(Closed) The usual waiting post but with a ~twist~!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: What's a modern girl to do?

    Keep waiting!

    Just propose

    Co-proposal

    Contribute to ring

    Buy own ring

  • Post # 3
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    Wait a little longer because I have the feeling he might be planning something bigger than just the proposal itself. 🙂 Better not to expect that to be true and then get disappointed if it isn’t…but just keep it in mind for now. If nothing happens and it just takes way too long, do it yourself if you want to!

    ETA: I would prefer to wait in this case if you know he is going to propose anyway, you don’t want to end up ruining his plans in the end. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by mochikj.
    Post # 4
    Member
    72 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Keep waiting or move on. I don’t think you should force it. :/ But talking openly and honestly is always necessary. Don’t pressure, just try to understand where he truly stands. If he says he is “in” but wants to wait it could be because he is planning something already or because he actually isn’t “in” and doesn’t want to hurt you. Only you can know for sure. 

    But do you need to be married to “start your life together”? That’s another assumption to examine. IMO

    Post # 5
    Member
    238 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Tell him that you need to know his ring size and then ask if he prefers white or yellow gold… Maybe that’ll light a fire under his butt. 😛

    Post # 6
    Member
    1037 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m in a similar spot! SO wants to be completely financially set so I’ve been waiting since this past winter!

    The waiting got to be too much and I thought for sure he had cold feet or wasn’t sure. This past week we had some loooong talks and it’s the money. So he ordered the ring this weekend to make that commitment to me but we will wait until the fall to buy our home and get married (we’re going to city hall then having family over, it’s both our second weddings). 

    I didn’t understand the financial side of things: he has a LOT saved, I’m nearly done paying off my student loan and starting to save as well. But when we laid it out on paper: I could be saving more, and contributing more, so thats the plan over the next few months.

    Maybe have a heart to heart to make sure you’re on the same page financially!

    Post # 7
    Member
    359 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2017 - The Tall Ship Elissa, Galveston, TX

    For frame of reference, I am 48 and have been through the usual amount of ups and downs for your average 48 year old. One thing I have learned is that you will *never* be stable enough, or have what you feel is enough money, or any of those things we like to point to as milestones before we get engaged, or get maried, or have children, etc. When you get older you’re given many more wake-up calls than I ever remember getting in my 20’s… You are shown that anything from your money to your health to your loved ones can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

    I’m not trying to be depressing, I promise… my point is, if you love someone with every cell in your being, wouldn’t you rather face all those ups and downs together — rather than waiting for the perfect financial situation to make “together” happen?

    This is the single best essay I ever read on this very subject:

    http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/07/ask-meg-fck-the-economy-get-married-now/

     

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    2065 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Talk to him again.  You agreed on Spring and it didn’t happen, for some reason you think it isn’t coming anytime soon.  Right now your timeline and priorities are not matching up, you just want to be married now and move through your financial issues togehter whereas he is wanting to achieve some financial goal before proposing (so he said).  See if he will agree to marry before resolving the financial issue or if you two can compromise on some kind of plan.  I don’t think it has to be a formal proposal, that is kind of pushing it and adding extra pressure.  If you are comfortable enough to propose just bring it up again and tell him you would contribute to your ring or get a placeholder ring or something for now and are okay with getting married before the financial issue is worked out.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2452 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    View original reply
    crazy4disney:  Totally agree. My Fiance kept saying ‘in a few years…when we save more money… we just can’t right now… we have to get our debt (car, truck, trailer… not credit cards or anything) paid off (which would take years!)…etc etc”. Then BAM, he proposes out of the blue. When I asked him about wanting to wait he said “You know what I realized? We’ll never be completely financially ready. Ever, in our lives. Unless we win the mega-millions. If I keep waiting until everything is perfect, it’ll never happen. I just couldn’t wait any longer. All I want is to marry you, the rest we will figure out together”.

    It’s great to be responsible. You don’t wanna get married with 20 bucks in your pocket and still living with your parents, unemployed with massive amounts of debt behind you. But you’re already living together so you have those expenses figured out, you’re asking for a resonably priced ring… not a $10k, and you aren’t planning to have a big wedding. So really… what exactly is he saving for??

    Post # 10
    Member
    5304 posts
    Bee Keeper

    My optimistic guess is that he’s saving for more than the ring. You say the ring you like is about $1400- but he may be factoring in the cost of a weekend getaway on top of this?

    There’s also nerves. He may have enough to go get a ring already but, much as he wants to propose, he’s afraid of not doing it ‘right’. I think society/ social media have played up the Elaborate Perfect Proposals to a level that can be intimidating. And so he could be racking his brains trying to come up with ideas on how to propose, he might be scared of disappointing you.

    Offering to buy your own ring might hurt his feelings if this is something he’s been saving to do for you, but you could suggest buying it together.

    Post # 11
    Member
    357 posts
    Helper bee

    I totally agree with “RobbieAndJuliahaha” about possibly saving extra for a getaway and/or being afraid of not “doing it right” [the proposal]. I also agree with the other responses about him maybe already having something planned or maybe he already has the ring! It’s just that from what you’ve provided, I wouldn’t think it’s enough “evidence” to assume the negative outcomes, because it could go either way. He could already have a ring, or he could not. He could be working really hard towards preparing for it, or he could be putting it off. Also i’m just a little confused about that if you discussed your timelines and finances, wouldn’t you know if he already actually has enough for the ring? Or maybe your convo wasn’t that detailed?

    I’ve been with my SO for 4.5 years, and he was the first to bring up the casual marriage talks during our second year of being in a relationship. As we got closer to our 4th year anniversary, I wanted a proposal more and more each time so we would have more serious talks about it and he felt reasurring to me like it IS going to happen, I just don’t know when. After our 4th anniversary I started having negative thoughts about his actions, like “he’s just all talk and no action”, “he probably hasn’t even looked at rings”, “he probably already forgot my ring size,” etc. Also there was a lot of talk about him getting a new car from the dealership that was $20k+ so on the inside I was upset, but of course I wouldn’t be selfish enough to tell him to first use some of that for a ring lol I didn’t even want an expensive ring, I had told him I don’t care for diamonds anyways I think cubic zirconians are just as great and pretty. Well to my surprise almost 3 months after our 4th anniversary he let me know he already has the ring, and he actually bought it a “long while ago” (I don’t know how long that is to him, we have very different perceptions of time haha), and he told me that when I was teasing him about probably not even having my ring and he was already talking about wedding venues, so that really shocked me 0.0 And it made me realize it’s not right to assume negative things about our partners, like they’re not working hard towards something just because they don’t show it enough (he tried really hard to keep it a surprise from me). 

    I’d say just wait, and think positive things like he might already have the ring, or he’s might be working on a very detailed plan on how to propose to you, because from what I read it doesn’t seem like he’s dragging it our or making excuses. We will never know why engagement/marriage is something very terrifying for men, but it’s their feelings nonetheless. (My friend said days after the engagement her fiance told her it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do in his life, even though he’s really in love with her and knew he wanted to marry her, but once he got the proposal over with he felt so relieved and for some reason marriage is way less scarry, so it’s like climbing a tall scary wall for them or something). My boyfriend says it’s taking him a while because he’s scared about runing the proposal, or not having it go the way he planned, or me not liking the way he proposes, etc. I told him to stop watching proposal fails on youtube.

    Post # 12
    Member
    543 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    View original reply
    crazy4disney:  Great advice!

    Post # 13
    Member
    35 posts
    Newbee

    I say just sit down with him and say all this- not in a demanding way obviously, but it’s your life too. You shouldn’t have to keep quiet and wait and cross your fingers that it’s happening soon- unless that’s what YOU want to do because you’ve already established that the surprise is important to you. And that doesn’t seem to be the case for you. If he had said it would happen by fall and you agreed on that, I’d say chill out and wait. But with the original timeline come and gone, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to sit down and figure out your plans together. As partners. Who love each other and are planning a life together. Because that’s what all this is about anyway!

    Post # 14
    Member
    1323 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    It kills me to check the box, because I’m generally all for a woman proposing or contributing to the ring, but I think he is planning something. Maybe check in with him again, as lightheartedly as possible, and see where his head’s at?

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