Post # 1
I’ve been creeping on all the boards and haven’t come across anything like this… so first post!
My boyfriend and I are both 28 and have been friends for 6 years, together for 2, living together for 1. I never wanted to get married before him, and I seriously doubt I ever will after. He is the best person I know and he says the same (about me ). He constantly brought up being with me forever and loving me always and wanting to get married and planted the seed that has grown into a GIANT PLANT THAT I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT.
So last fall we both discussed our timelines and finanaces and decided that it would be nice to get engaged in the spring (didn’t happen) or maybe this summer (isn’t going to happen). He says, and I want to believe him, that it’s only the financial aspect that is holding him back from proposing. And what’s strange is- he is saving, he doesn’t buy ANYTHING for himself, and it still. hasn’t. happened. I don’t understand. We make the same money and I somehow have loads of money for clothes every month whereas he has nothing. Really. We do go on lots of vacations but we always go halves.
The ring I want is not too expensive IMO ($1,400) and to me it’s more important to get engaged sooner than it is to have all our debts paid off or anything, which he says he’s been trying to do first. We are going to go to city hall to get married so it’s not like we have to save up for that either (apparently that’d take years!).
I’ve seen so many posts where the guy is spending money on himself or is just plain dragging his feet or doesn’t want to talk about it- but this is completely different! So what’s a girl to do?
As a feminist who feels like waiting for a man to do something she could do herself is eating her alive, should I just propose? Should I propose a co-proposal? Should I contribute to my ring? Should I just buy the damn thing? I really don’t care anymore; I just love him to the moon and back and want to get the ball rolling on our lifetime together.
ADVISE ME PLEASE! and thank you in advance.
Post # 2
Oh and I’ve tried Mr. Bee’s advice! But like he said, I don’t think it works when the dude is already all in. Womp womp.
Post # 3
Wait a little longer because I have the feeling he might be planning something bigger than just the proposal itself. 🙂 Better not to expect that to be true and then get disappointed if it isn’t…but just keep it in mind for now. If nothing happens and it just takes way too long, do it yourself if you want to!
ETA: I would prefer to wait in this case if you know he is going to propose anyway, you don’t want to end up ruining his plans in the end. 🙂
Post # 4
Keep waiting or move on. I don’t think you should force it. :/ But talking openly and honestly is always necessary. Don’t pressure, just try to understand where he truly stands. If he says he is “in” but wants to wait it could be because he is planning something already or because he actually isn’t “in” and doesn’t want to hurt you. Only you can know for sure.
But do you need to be married to “start your life together”? That’s another assumption to examine. IMO
Post # 5
Tell him that you need to know his ring size and then ask if he prefers white or yellow gold… Maybe that’ll light a fire under his butt. 😛
Post # 6
I’m in a similar spot! SO wants to be completely financially set so I’ve been waiting since this past winter!
The waiting got to be too much and I thought for sure he had cold feet or wasn’t sure. This past week we had some loooong talks and it’s the money. So he ordered the ring this weekend to make that commitment to me but we will wait until the fall to buy our home and get married (we’re going to city hall then having family over, it’s both our second weddings).
I didn’t understand the financial side of things: he has a LOT saved, I’m nearly done paying off my student loan and starting to save as well. But when we laid it out on paper: I could be saving more, and contributing more, so thats the plan over the next few months.
Maybe have a heart to heart to make sure you’re on the same page financially!
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2017 - The Tall Ship Elissa, Galveston, TX
For frame of reference, I am 48 and have been through the usual amount of ups and downs for your average 48 year old. One thing I have learned is that you will *never* be stable enough, or have what you feel is enough money, or any of those things we like to point to as milestones before we get engaged, or get maried, or have children, etc. When you get older you’re given many more wake-up calls than I ever remember getting in my 20’s… You are shown that anything from your money to your health to your loved ones can be taken away in the blink of an eye.
I’m not trying to be depressing, I promise… my point is, if you love someone with every cell in your being, wouldn’t you rather face all those ups and downs together — rather than waiting for the perfect financial situation to make “together” happen?
This is the single best essay I ever read on this very subject:
Post # 8
Talk to him again. You agreed on Spring and it didn’t happen, for some reason you think it isn’t coming anytime soon. Right now your timeline and priorities are not matching up, you just want to be married now and move through your financial issues togehter whereas he is wanting to achieve some financial goal before proposing (so he said). See if he will agree to marry before resolving the financial issue or if you two can compromise on some kind of plan. I don’t think it has to be a formal proposal, that is kind of pushing it and adding extra pressure. If you are comfortable enough to propose just bring it up again and tell him you would contribute to your ring or get a placeholder ring or something for now and are okay with getting married before the financial issue is worked out.
Post # 9
Totally agree. My Fiance kept saying ‘in a few years…when we save more money… we just can’t right now… we have to get our debt (car, truck, trailer… not credit cards or anything) paid off (which would take years!)…etc etc”. Then BAM, he proposes out of the blue. When I asked him about wanting to wait he said “You know what I realized? We’ll never be completely financially ready. Ever, in our lives. Unless we win the mega-millions. If I keep waiting until everything is perfect, it’ll never happen. I just couldn’t wait any longer. All I want is to marry you, the rest we will figure out together”.
It’s great to be responsible. You don’t wanna get married with 20 bucks in your pocket and still living with your parents, unemployed with massive amounts of debt behind you. But you’re already living together so you have those expenses figured out, you’re asking for a resonably priced ring… not a $10k, and you aren’t planning to have a big wedding. So really… what exactly is he saving for??
Post # 10
My optimistic guess is that he’s saving for more than the ring. You say the ring you like is about $1400- but he may be factoring in the cost of a weekend getaway on top of this?
There’s also nerves. He may have enough to go get a ring already but, much as he wants to propose, he’s afraid of not doing it ‘right’. I think society/ social media have played up the Elaborate Perfect Proposals to a level that can be intimidating. And so he could be racking his brains trying to come up with ideas on how to propose, he might be scared of disappointing you.
Offering to buy your own ring might hurt his feelings if this is something he’s been saving to do for you, but you could suggest buying it together.
Post # 11
I totally agree with “RobbieAndJuliahaha” about possibly saving extra for a getaway and/or being afraid of not “doing it right” [the proposal]. I also agree with the other responses about him maybe already having something planned or maybe he already has the ring! It’s just that from what you’ve provided, I wouldn’t think it’s enough “evidence” to assume the negative outcomes, because it could go either way. He could already have a ring, or he could not. He could be working really hard towards preparing for it, or he could be putting it off. Also i’m just a little confused about that if you discussed your timelines and finances, wouldn’t you know if he already actually has enough for the ring? Or maybe your convo wasn’t that detailed?
I’ve been with my SO for 4.5 years, and he was the first to bring up the casual marriage talks during our second year of being in a relationship. As we got closer to our 4th year anniversary, I wanted a proposal more and more each time so we would have more serious talks about it and he felt reasurring to me like it IS going to happen, I just don’t know when. After our 4th anniversary I started having negative thoughts about his actions, like “he’s just all talk and no action”, “he probably hasn’t even looked at rings”, “he probably already forgot my ring size,” etc. Also there was a lot of talk about him getting a new car from the dealership that was $20k+ so on the inside I was upset, but of course I wouldn’t be selfish enough to tell him to first use some of that for a ring lol I didn’t even want an expensive ring, I had told him I don’t care for diamonds anyways I think cubic zirconians are just as great and pretty. Well to my surprise almost 3 months after our 4th anniversary he let me know he already has the ring, and he actually bought it a “long while ago” (I don’t know how long that is to him, we have very different perceptions of time haha), and he told me that when I was teasing him about probably not even having my ring and he was already talking about wedding venues, so that really shocked me 0.0 And it made me realize it’s not right to assume negative things about our partners, like they’re not working hard towards something just because they don’t show it enough (he tried really hard to keep it a surprise from me).
I’d say just wait, and think positive things like he might already have the ring, or he’s might be working on a very detailed plan on how to propose to you, because from what I read it doesn’t seem like he’s dragging it our or making excuses. We will never know why engagement/marriage is something very terrifying for men, but it’s their feelings nonetheless. (My friend said days after the engagement her fiance told her it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do in his life, even though he’s really in love with her and knew he wanted to marry her, but once he got the proposal over with he felt so relieved and for some reason marriage is way less scarry, so it’s like climbing a tall scary wall for them or something). My boyfriend says it’s taking him a while because he’s scared about runing the proposal, or not having it go the way he planned, or me not liking the way he proposes, etc. I told him to stop watching proposal fails on youtube.
Post # 13
I say just sit down with him and say all this- not in a demanding way obviously, but it’s your life too. You shouldn’t have to keep quiet and wait and cross your fingers that it’s happening soon- unless that’s what YOU want to do because you’ve already established that the surprise is important to you. And that doesn’t seem to be the case for you. If he had said it would happen by fall and you agreed on that, I’d say chill out and wait. But with the original timeline come and gone, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to sit down and figure out your plans together. As partners. Who love each other and are planning a life together. Because that’s what all this is about anyway!
Post # 14
It kills me to check the box, because I’m generally all for a woman proposing or contributing to the ring, but I think he is planning something. Maybe check in with him again, as lightheartedly as possible, and see where his head’s at?
Post # 15
Thanks so much ladies! It’s great to find like-minded people to get advice from.
He and I had a nice open conversation about it and he said this summer is very possible! I’m a teacher and I didn’t realize how important is was for me to get engaged before the school year starts again. I just feel like it’s so stressful that I won’t be able to fully appreciate it if it happens during school. So he understood and said he’s going to try his best (with my contribution if needed). So sweet.