(Closed) The vanishing wedding contribution

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry, I would be upset too.  When given a gift, it’s not really fair for them to have strings attached after they have given you the money.

I think in this case, you need to sit down with them and be honest.

Your wedding is going to get out of control if you let your mother keep doing this.   If she needs to invite those people, then give her the money back and tell her to pay for those guest.

This is YOUR day and if she thinks that by giving you money and can take over, I really think that you and your Fiance have to reassess what you want and at what emotional and financial cost.

If you think she is done controlling aspects of your wedding, you’re probably wrong.  The closer she gets, the more excited she will be about her event and suddenly you’ll have more centerpieces and details added.  You really need to draw the line soon.

edit-  Your international friends should get first dibs at the rooms.  Tell your mom you already promised them and it is not up for discussion.   I would be upset if I came to your wedding from afar and couldn’t stay at the venue like I had expected.

Post # 5
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

That would piss me right off too. : / While I don’t think it’s anyone’s responsibility but yours to pay for your wedding, THEY SAID THEY WOULD GIVE YOU X AMOUNT. And now they are changing that. And they are inviting people without OK-ing it with you?!

I think you should talk to them & tell them either they have to dis-invite their friends/stop screwing with your wedding plans, or stop using the money they told you was going towards your wedding for their personal expenses. (A hotel room? SERIOUSLY?!)

Post # 6
14 posts
  • Wedding: February 2012

@kay01:  I am also sorry to hear this!  It seems like today’s society have forgotten what and who a wedding is suppose to be for.  My FH and I are going through some of the same stuff (and more) with our upcoming wedding and are actually contemplating cancelling the wedding and eloping.

Post # 7
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Oh honey, I feel your pain. My parents are divorced, so luckily my mom is very reliable and aware. My dad, however…he’s the man of big promises. I knew this going into it, but I didn’t quite expect the huge downward spiral much like you are saying. :/ It really sucks and I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, I know it is a huge stressor!

That being said, I agree with PP. You need to just sit down and tell them that there are other factors regarding your wedding and if they want to be the “hosts” then the money doesn’t necessarily go towards rooms for them and grandma. It isn’t their wedding. Now if they want to take that money back and use it that way? Fine. But they can’t consider it “paying for the wedding” if it’s really just rooms for THEM. I always feel that when people gift money, it shouldn’t come with strings attached i.e. “But we gave you money” as the excuse for borderline rude and frustrating behavior like adding guests, taking money here and there for their benefit that doesn’t actually benefit your wedding.

Again, sorry you have to deal with this. :/

Post # 8
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@kay01:  so did your parents already ‘give’ you the money and you put it into your wedding account or was this just a number that they said they would contribute?  if you already have the money in the account, how could your mother be spending it?  if it is not, maybe you could politely ask for a cheque in the amount mentioned so that you could put it in the account.  you could tell her that it would make it easier for you and your budgeting if you had all of the funds altogether in one account.  when she comes up with bazar requests, tell her, it is not in the budget.

if she feels that she needs to control her portion of the budget, then i would plan the wedding without their contribution and she can pay for her friends and other family members that are not on your original list.

as for your international friends that you want to be in the same hotel as you, can the hotel not offer you/them one or two more rooms onto your block of rooms?  tell your friends to book the hotel asap before the rooms are sold out or your mom’s friends take them all. 

sorry you’re going through this, i’m sure it sucks.


Post # 10
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That would be like me saying to my friend “I’m giving you $100 for your birthday but I need a new dress to wear to your party so I’m going to take $50 out of your gift.”  That is what a financial contribution to a wedding is, a gift.  Other guests have travel expenses and need to get new outfits too, they aren’t considering themselves hosts of your wedding.  

I agree with PP who recommended asking for a check in the promised amount.  It’s very nice of you to ask them how much more they’re going to take out of the promised amount, but that’s kind of like saying “It’s right of you to tell me you’re going to give me X amount and then take money out of that amount to cover your own expenses, I just need to know what your expenses are.”

Have you talked to your siblings about this?  Is this what happened with them too?  If so, it might explain why they are taking such liberties with this; if not, you can politely point out that things were different with your siblings.

Post # 11
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

i agree that you should talk to them, and very seriously.  each person’s relationship with their parents is different, so obviously you have to account for that, but i would try to be polite but very very firm.  and perhaps rather than saying “okay you promised me x dollars, now give me a list of how many things you’re going to deduct from that” just say “okay i don’t care how many things you are deducting or what you decide to change along the way, tell me how many dollars you’re actually going to give to ME”.  then that means that anything else they decide to buy or add is their own budget.  you might also consider telling them no when they invite extra guests or add other things on for you.  or say i’ve budgeted for this many people, this is how many i’m inviting, you are welcome to invite anyone else that you want to but you will have to pay for them.  i know that’s an easy thing to preach to you, but when it comes down to it your family matters and that may not be something that will fly, but i do think that the situation you’re describing is pretty unfair  and you should probably make an effort to head it off now before it escalates.

Post # 12
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Thats really harsh, perhaps I would say to your parents that until they actually contribute funds rather than promising, then you will pay for everything yourself. No leverages, no them doing things without your consent. Take charge, take back control of YOUR wedding day.

Just out of interest, did your parents also do this whole promise a contribution then spend out of it way of things with your siblings?

The topic ‘The vanishing wedding contribution’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors