The Vicious Cycle of Nagging.

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3322 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

What are the issues you feel stuck nagging about? 

Post # 4
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I thought you were going to complain about typical household stuff but why are you even nagging him about brushing his teeth or taking a shower?  Does he have no personal hygiene or do you like him to do things at a certain time? 

In terms of the household stuff, personally I think you need to say it once and if he doesn’t do it then leave it.  If he doesn’t take the trash out and the collection gets missed then he needs to take the rubbish to a tip.  There needs to be some accountability. 

Post # 6
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I am marrying a man who has the same standard of cleanliness that I have. It has been a huge help and something i was definitely looking for in a man. Because we are similar we both clean up equally and do our share because we both like being in a clean space. i wouldn’t ever marry a man who didn’t want to be clean and live in a clean environment. Before my fiance and I moved in together i could clearly see he kept his own apartment clean. That was key for me, that he likes things clean for himself first. 

What i did do was this. I asked him which chores he liked doing the most. He choose laundry and vacuuming. SO he does both those things regularly. I took the bathroom and kitchen because i don’t mind those. Choosing which chores he most liked to do made it more likely he would do them. 

What i do struggle with is him making decisions about things. It takes him ages. But my dad is the same way so I kind of grew up with that. He doesn’t mind me making decisions and doing things so if it is something i want done asap i do them myself. Like choosing vendors for our wedding. Any vendors he has taken over doing himself has taken him forever to do. Lesson learned on my part. I can choose to be irritated he takes forever or i can plan those things myself. I choose to do them myself. And the little things I am learning to just let go. So what if he doesn’t get his groomsmans gifts till the last second? Worst case scenario he doesn’t have anything for them, and that is his problem not mine. I am working on that. 

As for brushing his teeth and showering, have you told him when he doesn’t do those things that you lose attraction for him? If my fiance said that to me i would be horrified and i would want to shower more and brush my teeth more. 

Post # 7
Member
8985 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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konablend :  are you sure he’s not depressed? Most adults don’t need reminders for basica hygiene. As for the household stuff I’ve started letting it pile. My husband’s job is to empty the dishwasher and I fill it/do the handwashing because he thinks wet food is gross. I have a massive farm sink that is currently overflowing because he hasn’t emptied the dishwasher in 3 days and I have been flat out exhausted and haven’t had the time or energy to do it myself or nag him lol. He noticed how bad it is this morning and said “yikes! sorry I’ll do that when I get home from work tonight” and I trust it will be done. 

Post # 8
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I also wanted to add after seeing your last comment. Sometimes you need to tell your spouse how serious a problem is. Mentioning it doesn’t help. Depending on how unhappy this is making you, it might be time to sit him down and straight up tell him that his behavior is starting to threaten your marriage. Sometimes people need to hear that. Because there are way too many people I have known who thought they were communicating to their spouse about issues, and the other person didn’t realie how serious they were until they wanted a divorce. So i am a big advocate of needing to actually sit your spouse down and telling them their behavior is threatening the marriage. 

Post # 10
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This was my life for like 15 years.  Eventually I was so resentful about this issue and a few others that we got divorced.  Now I’m married to a man who just can adult on his own without being told to like a child.  I can’t tell you how incredibly refreshing that is!  It’s difficult to stay in love with a man who needs constant mothering.

I know this isn’t particularly helpful because you probably don’t want a divorce…. but these things can kill a marriage whether you want it to or not.  I totally agree with 

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mrsssb :  above that you should sit him down and tell him that this is threatening your marriage.

Post # 11
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

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konablend :  Hmm… when it comes to hygiene, I’m not sure that’s something you can really change (in a nice way). People really have to be compelled to do it themselves. And everyone has varying degrees of what is acceptable when it comes to cleanliness, particularly with their own bodies. I fear you will be nagging him about that indefinitely, unless he chooses to change on his own.

Other than that, I too would ask him what household chores he would rather do and then create some division of labour and leave him to be accountable for it.

Post # 12
Member
4912 posts
Honey bee

He is neither a puppy nor a preschooler.  You can’t trick adults into doing things or otherwise make him do things.  You’re basically infantilizing your grown adult husband and asking us how can you make him behave like a good boy.  What are you going to do?  Make him a reward chart with stickers?  Let him have an extra 15 minutes of tv time?

You can’t control others.  You can certainly tell them how their actions or inaction makes you feel, but you can’t make them do things.  You only get to control you and your response to it.  If you ask and he doesn’t do it, then it just doesn’t get done.  If you don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t brush their teeth or shower then you limit your contact with them.  They’ll brush their teeth and shower when it is important to them or spending time with you is important to them.  But infantilizing him and coddling him isn’t the answer.  You just get to decide whether or not you like living with someone like that and wish to continue.  That is within the realm of your control.

As for chores, however, people tend to do things that are important to them.  Dirty dishes in a sink bother me but they don’t bother my SO, so I have dish duty.  I abhor grocery shopping but he doesnt mind it so he does it.  Sometimes equitable doesn’t mean exactly equal.  Perhaps it is time to explore the division of household duties and renegotiate.  And if he can’t abide by mutually agreed upon divisions of labor, then again your responsibility is to communicate how you feel and decide if you can live with someone who doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain, not to nag them or try to make them be a grown-up.

Post # 14
Member
3322 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

What kind of grown man needs to be told by his wife to shower and brush his teeth?! That is quite simply not normal and it goes well beyond typical laziness or mismatched preferences for cleanliness.

I am curious if you married him on the hope that these issues would resolve themselves. Obviously, there’s no going back in time but this could serve as an example to others of why you don’t enter into a marriage hoping your partner will change in specific ways… It rarely works out the way you want it to. 

All you can do now, unfortunately, is look forward. You need to be realistic about how much you can expect your husband to change and you need to be absolutely clear with him that his hygiene and cleanliness habits are impacting your attraction to him and making you question your long-term commitment to him as a partner. It’s then for him to decide if hr values your relationship enough to put in the bare minimum effort or not. 

Post # 15
Member
3646 posts
Sugar bee

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KittyYogi :  same.

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konablend :  unfortunately, there is no trick to get an adult to act like one.  

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