Post # 1
I am hoping for some insight on positive ways to get your partner to do things without having to nag them for all eternity. I haven’t been able to find anything really helpful at all online from Google to Youtube.
Truth is… I am sick of nagging. I haven’t been called a nag or exactly had a complaint from my spouse (other than a nice sigh or eye roll)… but I am so damn sick of having to ask someone 100 times to do something and do it without being asked. I am getting super annoyed with it.
I just want to hear peoples’ stories of success on going about it all better… Is there something that worked for you and your partner that got him or her off their butt to do their part without asking 100 times? Frankly, I should not have to ask my husband to take out the trash and do adult things. It is all silly stuff that someone should to do without being asked.
Post # 2
What are the issues you feel stuck nagging about?
Post # 3
Just really silly stuff. Brushing his teeth. Taking a shower. Taking out the trash and taking it the curb every week. Not putting dirty dishes into a clean dishes dishwasher (when I bought a sign that says clean or not)… And what is odd is there is no more room in the dishwasher… but hey lets force this dirty dish in and walk away. It is just petty stuff that I don’t get.
I am just am tired of bitching about it. Wondering if there is some easier way to do it. Because saying I care about your health or this or that… is NOT working.
Post # 4
I thought you were going to complain about typical household stuff but why are you even nagging him about brushing his teeth or taking a shower? Does he have no personal hygiene or do you like him to do things at a certain time?
In terms of the household stuff, personally I think you need to say it once and if he doesn’t do it then leave it. If he doesn’t take the trash out and the collection gets missed then he needs to take the rubbish to a tip. There needs to be some accountability.
Post # 5
I have no idea why. It has been going on for years. When we first started dating it got “better” as in he started going to the dentist when I told him to. And the same with starting to go to doctors apts. He wasn’t taking care of himself.
Crazy thing is he is a work a holic. LOVES working. But he wants to come home… eat dinner out somewhere (which also is starting to get old cause we need to eat at home) and then come home and go straight to bed and watch tv or look at his phone for hours. Then gets up and eats more.
I need help. His habits are getting worse and I can’t keep nagging. Need positive ways to get him to do what he is supposed to do and without having to ask.
Post # 6
I am marrying a man who has the same standard of cleanliness that I have. It has been a huge help and something i was definitely looking for in a man. Because we are similar we both clean up equally and do our share because we both like being in a clean space. i wouldn’t ever marry a man who didn’t want to be clean and live in a clean environment. Before my fiance and I moved in together i could clearly see he kept his own apartment clean. That was key for me, that he likes things clean for himself first.
What i did do was this. I asked him which chores he liked doing the most. He choose laundry and vacuuming. SO he does both those things regularly. I took the bathroom and kitchen because i don’t mind those. Choosing which chores he most liked to do made it more likely he would do them.
What i do struggle with is him making decisions about things. It takes him ages. But my dad is the same way so I kind of grew up with that. He doesn’t mind me making decisions and doing things so if it is something i want done asap i do them myself. Like choosing vendors for our wedding. Any vendors he has taken over doing himself has taken him forever to do. Lesson learned on my part. I can choose to be irritated he takes forever or i can plan those things myself. I choose to do them myself. And the little things I am learning to just let go. So what if he doesn’t get his groomsmans gifts till the last second? Worst case scenario he doesn’t have anything for them, and that is his problem not mine. I am working on that.
As for brushing his teeth and showering, have you told him when he doesn’t do those things that you lose attraction for him? If my fiance said that to me i would be horrified and i would want to shower more and brush my teeth more.
Post # 7
are you sure he’s not depressed? Most adults don’t need reminders for basica hygiene. As for the household stuff I’ve started letting it pile. My husband’s job is to empty the dishwasher and I fill it/do the handwashing because he thinks wet food is gross. I have a massive
farm sink that is currently overflowing because he hasn’t emptied the dishwasher in 3 days and I have been flat out exhausted and haven’t had the time or energy to do it myself or nag him lol. He noticed how bad it is this morning and said “yikes! sorry I’ll do that when I get home from work tonight” and I trust it will be done.
Post # 8
I also wanted to add after seeing your last comment. Sometimes you need to tell your spouse how serious a problem is. Mentioning it doesn’t help. Depending on how unhappy this is making you, it might be time to sit him down and straight up tell him that his behavior is starting to threaten your marriage. Sometimes people need to hear that. Because there are way too many people I have known who thought they were communicating to their spouse about issues, and the other person didn’t realie how serious they were until they wanted a divorce. So i am a big advocate of needing to actually sit your spouse down and telling them their behavior is threatening the marriage.
Post # 9
LilliV : I am not sure… when we got together I think he showered daily…. but as time went on he started showering less…
I am not sure why? I mean I don’t everyday because I work from home and don’t sweat (even when doing intense exercises). It just irritates my skin and hair (I have several skin conditions) … I’m not sure if he adopted this but it’s not acceptable being that he works in a blue collar field all week.
mrsssb : unfortunately I’ve never in my life met a man with the same cleaning standards as me… my husband grew up doing zero chores I have found… most he did was “vacuum the stairs”…
I’ve debated writing a letter and seeing if that helped… but that’s why I’m here. Lol.
Post # 10
This was my life for like 15 years. Eventually I was so resentful about this issue and a few others that we got divorced. Now I’m married to a man who just can adult on his own without being told to like a child. I can’t tell you how incredibly refreshing that is! It’s difficult to stay in love with a man who needs constant mothering.
I know this isn’t particularly helpful because you probably don’t want a divorce…. but these things can kill a marriage whether you want it to or not. I totally agree with mrsssb :
above that you should sit him down and tell him that this is threatening your marriage.
Post # 11
Hmm… when it comes to hygiene, I’m not sure that’s something you can really change (in a nice way). People really have to be compelled to do it themselves. And everyone has varying degrees of what is acceptable when it comes to cleanliness, particularly with their own bodies. I fear you will be nagging him about that indefinitely, unless he chooses to change on his own.
Other than that, I too would ask him what household chores he would rather do and then create some division of labour and leave him to be accountable for it.
Post # 12
He is neither a puppy nor a preschooler. You can’t trick adults into doing things or otherwise make him do things. You’re basically infantilizing your grown adult husband and asking us how can you make him behave like a good boy. What are you going to do? Make him a reward chart with stickers? Let him have an extra 15 minutes of tv time?
You can’t control others. You can certainly tell them how their actions or inaction makes you feel, but you can’t make them do things. You only get to control you and your response to it. If you ask and he doesn’t do it, then it just doesn’t get done. If you don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t brush their teeth or shower then you limit your contact with them. They’ll brush their teeth and shower when it is important to them or spending time with you is important to them. But infantilizing him and coddling him isn’t the answer. You just get to decide whether or not you like living with someone like that and wish to continue. That is within the realm of your control.
As for chores, however, people tend to do things that are important to them. Dirty dishes in a sink bother me but they don’t bother my SO, so I have dish duty. I abhor grocery shopping but he doesnt mind it so he does it. Sometimes equitable doesn’t mean exactly equal. Perhaps it is time to explore the division of household duties and renegotiate. And if he can’t abide by mutually agreed upon divisions of labor, then again your responsibility is to communicate how you feel and decide if you can live with someone who doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain, not to nag them or try to make them be a grown-up.
Post # 13
Why do you think I am asking for help? Because your initial paragraph is exactly what I DON’T want to do.
I am searching for healthy ways to go about it all…
Post # 14
What kind of grown man needs to be told by his wife to shower and brush his teeth?! That is quite simply not normal and it goes well beyond typical laziness or mismatched preferences for cleanliness.
I am curious if you married him on the hope that these issues would resolve themselves. Obviously, there’s no going back in time but this could serve as an example to others of why you don’t enter into a marriage hoping your partner will change in specific ways… It rarely works out the way you want it to.
All you can do now, unfortunately, is look forward. You need to be realistic about how much you can expect your husband to change and you need to be absolutely clear with him that his hygiene and cleanliness habits are impacting your attraction to him and making you question your long-term commitment to him as a partner. It’s then for him to decide if hr values your relationship enough to put in the bare minimum effort or not.
Post # 15
unfortunately, there is no trick to get an adult to act like one.