The Vicious Cycle of Nagging.

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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konablend :  Have you actually sat him down and just told him point blank to sort his shit out?  You aren’t his mom, you should’ve ask him multiple times to take out the trash or brush his teeth before bed. 

Post # 17
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I am the messy one, FH is the neat one. I try really hard to remember to pick up after myself, do the laundry, do the dishes, etc because I understand that keeping house is a mutual responsibility and if I don’t do it, he’ll have to do it. I have written reminders to myself on my phone, calendar, and fridge. When I fall behind on my share, FH doesn’t “nag” at me with a generic, the dishes are piled up, why can’t you ever clear the dishes? He reminds me that we both work full time, we are both tired, and if we don’t work as a team, the place will get overrun with bugs. He also reminds me that it’s exhausting for him to feel like he’s cleaning up after me. Sometimes he’ll just do a simple, “can you get the litter box?” Whenever I make dinner or do a chore, he thanks me each time so I feel validated and I know he recognizes that I am making an effort. So whenever he does chores, I started thanking him, too, hahah.

I don’t think constant reminders alone is going to solve the problem. I think you need to have a serious sit down about how sharing chores is not just about upkeep, but about respect and empathy. If he doesn’t take out the trash, you’re the one who’s going to have to struggle with a big heavy bag. If he doesn’t unload the dishwasher, you’re the one who has to do it. He needs to really understand this. 

You kind of lost me on his lack of brushing his teeth and not showering. If he’s just sitting at home and eating all day, I also wonder if there is a bigger issue.

Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
8985 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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konablend :  I would flat out ask him what’s changed. My husband and I also both have sensitive skin and don’t shower every day. But if there is a day he is stinky for whatever reason I just say “hey stinky butt can you hop in the shower before coming to bed?”  Most husbands aren’t going to say “nooooo, embrace my BO!” 

Depending on your cleaning standards you may just have to accept that you do a bit more. My husband can tolerate more dirt and clutter than I can so while it doesn’t get him totally off the hook I also don’t expect him to take a toothbrush to the groutlines in the bathroom either. 

Post # 19
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2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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beantime :  Other than that, I too would ask him what household chores he would rather do and then create some division of labour and leave him to be accountable for it.

Yep, I agree with this.  My exH and I did this, and it helped somewhat.  He was in charge of most cooking (which he loved) and dishes/cleaning the kitchen. I was in charge of laundry and picking up the general clutter. 

The upside of it is that you no longer have to nag, because they already KNOW it’s their job.  So it’s a lot less emotional labor.  The downside is that you can’t really nag and you just have to let them do it on their own terms and timeline.  So we’d often have a mountain of dishes piling up for days before he dealt with them.

Post # 22
Member
6919 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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konablend :  I’ve appreciated the work of Alison Armstrong on this matter. For a long time I felt like my husband’s standards of cleanliness should be closer to my own and I was really focused on how frustrating it was that he hadn’t been “raised properly.” Unfortunately, no one in his family has home hygiene standards that work for me so it’s not just a male thing. His mother and sisters (whom I adore) all have habits that have surprised (or horrified) me over the years. Alison’s work emphasizes that things many men will not do for themselves, they will do for their partners. So my husband doesn’t particularly care if the garbage is overflowing and the sink is full of dishes and the bedclothes are all messed up. BUT he knows that I DO care and he makes the effort to take care of those things for me. The more I appreciate him doing those things, the more he has remembered to do them. So, I would say that you should look into her interviews and books for guidance.

That said- the personal hygiene thing is an “Oh Hell No, you Nasty Motherfucker.” thing for me, so I’d have to have a really uncomfortable conversation with my husband about it. I would not have sex with a man whose hygiene was grossing me out or who needed to be spoken to like a child and I would let him know that it needs to be addressed now and consistently or I’d be considering it shots fired and responding accordingly.

Being nasty is a very valid reason for dumping someone, imo.

Post # 25
Member
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

The chores thing just sucks, but personally, I just do it if it bothers me. We don’t have specific chores around the house, we both just do stuff that needs to get done and then we thank the other one for doing it. We show appreciation to each other for getting stuff done, and honestly that really helps. Neither of us feels like we are carrying the brunt of the housework, and the acknowledgemet by the other makes us feel appreciated. But I won’t nag at my husband to take out the trash if it is overflowing, I just take it out. I’m perfectly capable. My husband tends to stick dirty dishes in the sink, even if the dishwasher is empty. So I rinse them off and put them in the dishwasher. He usually puts the dishes away, so I can’t complain if he leaves a few dishes in the sink. But I just tend to do things rather than nag. I’ll ask once, and then I just do it myself. If I ask for a picture to be hung or something to be fixed, I ask once, and then I just do it if he hasn’t in a reasonable amount of time. Honestly, usually if he sees me do something like take out the trash, he jumps up and does it for me. But at the end of the day, its so much easier for me just to do something rather than nag and complain to get it done. It’s not mental energy I want to waste.

As for the hygiene, I agree with PP to kick him out of bed and definitely no kissing or sex until a shower has happened. It sucks, but its probably the best way to get him to do something. If he goes in to kiss you before bed, just turn your head and say “not until you brush your teeth”. If he goes to get into the bed, just a quick “nope, you need to shower first. And if you don’t want to, the couch is open”. Or make him wash the sheets every time he gets into bed without showering. When my husband and I first started dating, he would occasionally smoke. I HATE smoker’s breath. So if I smelled smoke on him, no kisses and no sleeping together. It ended the habit pretty quickly! 

Post # 26
Member
324 posts
Helper bee

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. If you ask him to do something and he doesn’t, then do it yourself. If you’re tired of eating out, then cook a meal and invite him to share. If you’d like to do something afterwork, then arrange it. Surprise him with a snack or a visit if he’s working late. Relationships aren’t about being 50-50% they’re about putting in 100-100% for each other.. if you’re not willing to do this for him and he pretty much never does this for you them time to dump this dude. Also, not brushing teeth or washing.. gross. Are you sure you want to be with this guy?

Post # 28
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee

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KittyYogi :  Same… One of many downfalls. When I left I told him I was burnt out being his mother. I need a partner. 

Post # 29
Member
3443 posts
Sugar bee

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konablend :  Uh…take that scenario where you are busy cooking breakfast, and add to it a baby on your hip, and/or a toddler at your feet begging to be picked up while you are cooking, and you haven’t showered, or eaten, or slept, and dopedy dope waltzes in and doesn’t offer to lift a finger. 

Post # 30
Member
3319 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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konablend :  why would you put up with that bullshit? He does it because he’s lazy  and you allow it by picking up all slack! Start only doing only for YOURSELF.  Your own laundry, your own meals, clean your shit, ignore his.  If you have any separate accounts tell him he will be paying for a cleaning service if he remains unmotivated to do his half. Dont do *anything* extra. Don’t relent,  some people only learn by example. STOP IMMEDIATELY BEING A DOORMAT, OR HIS MOTHER or continue and end up miserable…

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