The Vicious Cycle of Nagging.

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
323 posts
Helper bee

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konablend :  Honestly, I doubt he’ll change too much, he will if he feels it inside. Overall, this is his personality. You could try having an in-depth emotional conversation with him about how this is making you feel and see if he changes. You’re right in thinking nagging won’t fix anything. I’ve been with my husband 8.5 years.. we’ve each adjusted to each other maybe an extra 20% since we met but the rest we’re as we are and always have been. Any change in our relationship has come from deep heartfelt conversations. Otherwise we’ve agreed to do 100% for each other if the other isn’t pitching in. Yes it’s annoying sometimes, but looking back on 8.5 years… there’s lots of things I’ve done like 95% of the time for him and there’s other things he’s done for me 95% of the time. This the price of admission we’re willing to pay for each other to remain in our happy relationship together. 

Post # 34
Member
2669 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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MargaritaVille :  yep.  I read your post about “why doesn’t he ask” and it sounded damn familiar, too.  I hope you have an awesome partner now! Especially with ttc (can’t remember if you have any kids yet?). 

That was one of the things I was most anxious about in my previous marriage…. “I’m already this burnt out and resentful, and it’s gonna be magnified 100-fold if we have kids, which I do want. Oh fuck.”  Now, with a baby who has some special needs on top of the general pain in the ass that all babies are (in the best way! lol), I am sooooo grateful to have an efficient, competent, motivated partner who’s a great hands-on dad.  It’d be so hard otherwise.

Post # 35
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

It’s one thing for an adult to be lackadaisical about household chores because we all have different levels of what we consider clean in our homes, but personal hygiene?  I would worry about depression or something similar.  Forgetting to shower or brush teeth for days?  Something is not right.  

 

 

 

Post # 36
Member
3275 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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konablend :  No, he’s not in “lala land”. Don’t play yourself. You’ve told him/nagged him so he’s most definitely well aware!!  Yet he *still* doesn’t step up. …cuz he knows *you* will do it.

You have shown that you will work 40 hours a week and you will come home and do all the household chores, even make him bacon while unloading the dishwasher,  doing laundry.  Yes indeed,  it *is* a “good morning” …for him!

Post # 37
Member
1809 posts
Buzzing bee

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KittyYogi :  Preach. And, yep! I have a 9yo SS, we have an 18 month old DS, and have found my way back to the TTC boards again. 

OP, having the right partner is CRITICAL to success. I’m not saying “dump him”, but if you are having these issues now, expect to have them forever. My ex also needed all of these reminders, too, and while he did get better about some, it was never without me having a foot out the door. Resentment brewed and boiled over. 

Life. is. hard. It gets busy, and messy. Do you want a partner to help you through it, or do you want extra dead weight to drag along side you? Choose wisely.

 

Post # 38
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I married a man 13 years older than me and still had to remind him to brush his teeth before bed. Eventually I got sick of acting like his mother, not to mention had no sexual interest in him anymore since he was acting like a child, and we are currently going through a divorce. 

Post # 39
Member
2845 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

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konablend :  When I first went to open your post I assumed it was the typical chore type of stuff. That is really alarming you have to remind him to shower and brush his teeth. Like some other PP said, that can be a sign of depression. 

If that’s not the case, there’s no magic formula. I think it really helps to sit down and tell him how you feel when you’re driven to nagging. I’m not saying this is the case with you but sometime we have unrealistic expectations in our partners. I find myself constantly getting annoyed when my husband says he’ll do something right after I ask and he doesn’t get off the couch. But if I just give him time, he usually gets it done in 15-30 minutes. I’m just the type of person who does this right away so I don’t have to worry about them. 

This might sound super basic too but have you ever sat down with him and gone over what chores you do compared to him? There are a lot of grown adults that don’t know what it takes to run a household. It’s possible he’s never really sat down and thought about how little he does. I’m not saying this is right, but it can help.

Post # 40
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee

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konablend : Given the mature and adult way of asking him doesn’t seem to be working, and nor is nagging, have you tried embarrassing him in front of family and friends by bringing it up in front of them? I’m sure I’ll get a ration from other Bees for even suggesting this, but sometimes drastic times call for drastic measures. Maybe embarrass him into changing his habits and hygiene.   

Post # 42
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

your situation sounds pretty bad. I don’t even want to “mother” my actual toddler. I really look forward to the day when she can adult and be independent. I can’t imagine having to “mother” my spouse. Having to tell him to do basic chores and daily living things that you have to nag little children to do. WTF?? I don’t have any advice except just feeling sympathy that you married  a man-child.

Post # 43
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

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konablend :  I realllly wish I had the answer to this question!!!

Post # 44
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee

I absolutely do not nag, I would not put up with it either. 

I feel if you are with someone whom you respect and who respects you, you will both do what it takes. Sometimes one does more of one thing, and another does more of another.  It should balance out one way or another, nothing is ever 50/50, sometimes 80/20, somtimes 40/60.

I just cannot imagine living a life feeling resentful, or complained at on a regular basis. 

No answers here, but maybe there is a way to let this go and focus on other areas where he is more helpful. The hygiene, is it really that bad or is it just not up to your own  personal standards?  If I was with a man that told me to shave my legs every day, I would get sick of that pretty fast. Just to play devil’s advocate. 

Post # 45
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I was expecting your post to be a typical naggy post… but seriously putting dirty dishes in with clean when you even made a freaking sign and having no hygiene. I don’t know how you do it. None of those things are silly they are basic and infuriating.

Brushing his teeth. Taking a shower. Taking out the trash and taking it the curb every week. Not putting dirty dishes into a clean dishes dishwasher (when I bought a sign that says clean or not)… And what is odd is there is no more room in the dishwasher… but hey lets force this dirty dish in and walk away. It is just petty stuff that I don’t get.

Rather than telling him daily.. I would just say Husband, you work a labor intensive job all day, you have to shower before coming into our clean bed every work day. It’s gross. Just shower daily, I’m not going to remind you because I shouldn’t need to. I love you, just shower when you get home and brush your teeth before bed. 

The trash have him set a weekly alarm on his phone. You arnt asking much of him. You would be being a single mom living with a sperm donor that doesnt shower or brush his teeth.

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