The Waiting Game

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’re doing the right thing. He cares more about his mother’s opinion and money than the pain he’s putting you through. That says something about him. And it’s not good.

Post # 3
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I mean, in part, do you really want to marry someone you had to strong-arm into proposing to you? Does that sound like someone who is actually ready to be a good, reliable partner? Even if he proposes to you by August, does that really resolve the issue with his family? Will you weedle or fight with him over every little thing because he can’t grow his own spine and establish a healthy dynamic with his family members? I don’t know, 7.5 years is a really long time for him to have not sorted this stuff out. 

Post # 4
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee

My husband was engaged when he met me.  They broke u that night.  Later on a friend asked him why he got her a ring if he was so lukewarm about marriage.  He thought a moment and said “I guess I just wanted her to shut up about marriage”.

So be careful what you wish for

Post # 5
Member
1337 posts
Bumble bee

pinache :  I’d leave him now. What is going to change in 6 months that hasn’t changed over all the years? Is his mother going to change her mind?

 

Personally I’d want to marry someone that was excited about it and also has a backbone.

Post # 6
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

pinache :  7 years and it seems like you’re pulling teeth to get a commitment for marriage. I’d walk. Do not give him another minute of your life. 

Anytime ladies are being put in this perpetual waiting phase and they don’t know what to do, they should remember George Clooney. He said everything that could be said about not wanting to be married and had plenty of companions and screwing partners to entertain him UNTIL he met his match. Once he found a woman he couldn’t imagine losing, what did he do? Married her.

Don’t be the girl that devotes her entire life sticking by a man, for him to leave you and marry somebody else. Let him go.

Post # 7
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I dated my ex for 2 years, found out he “never” wanted to get married.  I told him I was dating other people.   We broke up, 3 months later he wooed me back, got married, 2 kids, over a decade later he said he wished he’d never gotten married, marriage just isn’t for him.

Asked him why he asked me and he said he was afraid of being alone and figured I was the best he was going to get.  We are friends to this day.  

Our relationship may have worked if one of us were different people. He’s a decent guy, just really wasn’t my life partner material and never really was, but because I loved him and was ready to be married and ‘start my life’ I figured he was the one, and I accepted that he was less than ideal.

My SO now would marry me in a heartbeat. He says his father told him “when you find your Queen you pin that down”.  I now KNOW what life partner material really is.  

I don’t think your SO thinks you’re his “Queen”, I think he knows marriage matters and it’s more than a piece of paper or he’d just do it, I think there is a decent chance he’ll ask before August and a chance he’ll ask after because I don’t think HE thinks you’ll ever really leave. I think he’s using his mother as an excuse because if his mother said she wants him to be abstinent I bet he’d tell her to go pound sand.

  But if he does ask and if you say yes make SURE you know what you’re doing.  Plenty of good marriages start off with a man needing a push (like my neighbor’s) and plenty of mediocre ones do to (like mine).  Choose carefully. 

Post # 8
Member
8559 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

pinache :  

He claims things are so comfortable, and I’m screaming inside every day in frustration

Right. ‘Things’ means him , the rest ( that’s you OP ) doesn’t matter, though if he’s honest,  he’d probably  say ‘I wish she’d stfu about it , that’d be even more ‘comfortable’.”  

Post # 10
Member
10955 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

pinache :  

Late to the party here, but I wanted to throw some support your way for laying down an ultimatum. A good section of the Hive  truly despises the ultimatum concept.  With the white hot hot hate of a thousand suns.

In reality, issuing an ultimatum was a way for you to take back some of your power.  It had become lopsided.  Your bf was controlling whether or not you got engaged. Taking care of yourself in that way is healthy.

You never toss out an ultimatum for the purpose of manipulating the other party to do something. That really is wrong. But, announcing a deadline that you honestly intend to follow through on is not manipulative.  It’s assertive.

Ignore all of the talk about you “forcing” him to marry you. Without a shotgun, that’s pretty hard to do.

Post # 11
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

pinache :  Happy for you. I wish you the best in your engagement and hope the good keeps going!

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