Member- pinache
- 2 years ago
Posting mostly to vent, but helpful advice or encouragement is always welcome.
My SO and I have been together for 7.5 years. We had 4 years of out-of-state long distance in there, and are currently living a few hours from eachother – which for us is pretty dang close. We see eachother about 4 days per week. Work is the reason for the long distance.
Throughout the relationship, we have discussed marriage. Neither of us want kids. He has always been pro getting married, but he had a list of requirements first. He can be kind of rigid about things like that. On his list were he had to have a full time out-of-school job, and we had to live in the same state. We’ve not fully gotten to living in the same city, but we also look to have plateaued for the next few years as far as career move options. I officially moved into the “waiting” phase around year 3-3.5. I am pretty type A, and I’m definitely a talk things through person. So this prompted the beginning of more serious discussions about life, money, dreams, plans, etc.
We’ve had many many good discussions. We’ve had many fights. We’ve discussed his “requirements” and my readiness. We’ve been ring shopping twice. He has frequently brought up that he is “working on saving” for the ring, although the cost is daunting (I have repeatedly requested he consider cheaper alternatives, but he will not). Last year, we even discussed timelines. The optimal timeline was up to last August. I discussed with him my hopes for being engaged at least by the end of 2017, and he seemed receptive to these timelines. 2018 is here. Around mid-summer last year, I really started to drive myself crazy. Our discussions had turned increasingly hopeful. In the back of my mind, though, I took the timeline very seriously. I planned a what-if scenario and spent months on-and-off thinking what I would do if 2017 passed and there was no progress in our relationship – what I could do, evaluating how I might feel, etc.
2018 is here. After already going on 2 quite romantic trips this year, we are still in limbo. The discussions have turned to he’s “not in a rush” and “does it really matter when we get married” “will it change anything” discussions. I have suspected that fear of his family was always in the mix: he is a mama’s boy, and his mother is extremely controlling. While I am occasionally on her good side, for the most part she never wanted her son to be in a relationship with anyone, and I am positive hates the idea of him being married.
Admittedly, this last year to year and a half have seen some less-than-ideal moments from me of discussions of resentment, and angry and frustrated outbursts – sometimes triggered by conversations, others by the endless slew of FB friends getting engaged and married.
Yesterday I sat him down to have a calm conversation – not the first this year – about the lack of progress in our relationship. I asked him to explain his position to me. He went down the litany of “I’m comfortable” reasons, before discussing his family. He does not think his family will approve. He is afraid of being disowned. There will be no financial support for the wedding from either of our parents (different reasons).
Inevitably, as conversations surrounding his mother often go, I got mad. And I said out loud what I’ve been thinking for over nine months now: I gave him an ultimatum. I gave him until August to figure out where we stand. Either we will be engaged, or we will break up.
While I immediately regretted it, I also said exactly what I feel. I can’t live like this. Constantly being pumped full of hope, only to not see any progress. Worse, I absolutely can’t in good conscience stay in a relationship where the fear of his mother will be prioritized over our relationship. I do feel like I will regret an ultimatum if he does propose, and I don’t know how I will be able to leave if he doesn’t, but I feel backed into a corner. He claims things are so comfortable, and I’m screaming inside every day in frustration. The resentment has already been building and I hate it. With the confirmation that his mother is a large factor behind why I’m waiting in limboland, the logical side of me is saying that breaking up might be the road that needs to be taken. The other side of me is horrified that I would have to leave him. He’s a really wonderful guy and we really are very good together, and I love him a lot. But at the same time, while I am sick that he might actually be further ostracized from his family because of me, I also can’t bear to pretend things are good where they are forever, and that I don’t want more.
