The Waiting Game

posted 2 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 2
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

It’s time to have a conversation with him about this. It is NOT pressuring him just to talk about getting married. Just bring it up to him – “Hey, I was thinking since we’ve been living together for a year and a half now, I’m ready to take the next step and get married. What are your thoughts on that?” It doesn’t have to be “Why haven’t you proposed yet??? You need to propose now!!!” Just a simple conversation about marriage and timelines.

Post # 3
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I agree – time for a conversation. It’s not pressuring him to say that you want to discuss when marriage might be in the picture for you both. Don’t let the hurt build, open up the doors of communication. Good luck!

PS. Welcome to Weddingbee!

Post # 5
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I had the same problem Bee! My fiance and I were together 10 YEARS before he proposed.

I went through the impatience faze as well. Try to keep calm and focus on other things. I know it is hard, but if you keep focusing on the need to get married, you’ll only push yourself further from it.

Whenever you start thinking of weddign stuff, get up and drink a glass of water, walk around the block. Have it trigger you to do somethign different and clear your mind. It will be better for yourt relationship and your mental health!

Don’t worry, it’ll happen in its own time Bee and you’ll be glad it did!

Post # 6
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You’re right about this, “he says I need to stop talking about it or it’ll never happen because he wants to surprise me. But I feel it’s kind of a cop out at this point.” That’s a copout. If you’re in your 30s, you live together, and have been dating for over 4 years, the time for surprising is done. You say you’ve talked about timelines for kids and you’ve talked about marriage. But have you talked about timelines for marriage? You can’t just have conversations about it, you need to have direct, meaningful conversations about it.

Tell your SO, “We’re both adults. We’re in our 30s, we’ve lived together a year and a half after agreeing that we wouldn’t live together unless this was a forever situation, and we’ve talked about this before. I need a timeline for the next step of our lives. You can surprise me if that’s important to you, but I need to know the general timeline for engagement and marriage. By general timeline, I need to know if it’s going to happen in the next 3 months or not. If not, I need to know so I can make a decision about my future moving forward. Getting engaged and married affects both of us, and it determines a large portion of our future. I need to be involved in my future too.”

ETA: I’ve noticed that in nearly every waiting post, the OP mentions that her SO is “on the same page,” and “we both want marriage.” That often happens to not be the case as the OP waits years to decades for a proposal. I wouldn’t assume things based on someone’s words when there has been no action that corresponds with it. If a guy wants to get married, he’ll get married. He won’t just say or insinuate he wants to get married.

Post # 7
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

he says I need to stop talking about it or it’ll never happen because he wants to surprise me.  

If I hear that “I want it to be a surprise” bs one more time I’m going to scream.  OP please communicate to your SO that the “surprise ship” has sailed, that at this point, that line only translates to “I’m stalling for time” to you.  Sassy411 said it best….gotta find that excellent quote she made about these delicate hothouse orchids that can’t handle talking about their futures with their GF’s. 

Grown men who are ready for marriage have no problem discussing the future and no problem providing a reasonable time line for proposing.   That’s because it’s something they want and are excited about.   You have to decide if your Boyfriend or Best Friend fits that description but let’s be clear bee, he’s using stalling tactics and guilt to get you to shut up.  If you can’t have an adult discussion about something so important without him getting upset and feeling all “pressured”, what kind of relationship do you really have?  Trust and communication are the backbone and foundation of healthy relationships.  The more he stalls the more your trust erodes and you probably need to ask the one question you don’t want to ask……”Am I the one you want as your wife or am I your Ms. Right Now?”   You have a right to a concrete answer to this question bee.  

Post # 9
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

“he says I need to stop talking about it or it’ll never happen because he wants to surprise me.”

True, but it won’t happen if you do stop talking about it either. Grown ups do not avoid serious conversations because they want a surprise. 

Marriage proposals shouldn’t be a surprise anyway. You should have a decent idea of where you are going in life. If the person behind you in line at the grocery proposed, that would be surprising. If he had proposed on the first date, that would be a surprising. There is nothing surprising about your bf of FOUR YEARS proposing. 

After four years people know if they want to marry the person or not. Either he knows he doesn’t want to marry you, but he doesn’t have anything better going on so he doesn’t want you to leave. Or he is confused, which means he doesn’t want to marry you. 

Post # 10
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee

It’s harsh, but I have come to believe it. 

If a guy says he wants marriage, but won’t propose to you after many years, he means he wants to maybe marry someone else. 

Post # 11
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

wanderlust15 :  You definitely should say that you don’t want to go on another big trip until you’re engaged. He’s said that money is an issue, so hold him accountable to that. “SO, you’ve mentioned that finances are preventing our engagement and marriage. As you know, marriage is a priority to me, so I will not contribute money to a vacation that will postpone our plans of engagement and marriage. Perhaps later on, Costa Rica can be a honeymoon spot for us.”

That will pull out the truth real quick. If he becomes angry, or turns on you, it only confirms that he’s stalling you because he doesn’t want to marry you.

Think about it like this, do you really want to spend all this money on a huge, memory filled, maybe once in a lifetime, vacation with someone you may not end up with?

Post # 12
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

My now-fiance and I had been together since 2007 when he finally proposed on 12/24/16. We’re getting married this June. We’d been in our house since 2015 and we had basically lived together for almost our entire relationship (heh, college dorms laughing ).  I had the same impatience too, but I realized that even if we never had a wedding or civil ceremony, I’d still want to be with him because of who he is and who I am with him. My impatience stemmed from wanting to know where the relationship was going, but once it became clear we were goign to be together for the long term (getting the house, the way we talk about things like kids and making travel plans, etc.), I wasn’t as impatient to formalize, if that makes sense. I stopped worrying about when it might happen, and just planned/worried about other things (money, fitness, career, house, etc).

Post # 13
Member
10879 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

wanderlust15 :  

Oh gawd.  Not this again.

You need to stop talking about it or it’ll never happen because I want to surprise you.

That makes the 142,732d time we’ve heard that on the Bee since 2010.  

How effin DARE he gag order you!  This is your shared future and you have an unassailable right to talk about it.  Don’t put up with that crap.

The ‘surprise’ bs is a common stall tactic.  He’s had four years to come up with your Super Deluxe-O Master Proposal.

 

This is for you, <u>sablescorpion22:</u>

Get over the ‘pressure’ silliness.  He is not a delicate hothouse orchid.  He will not wilt.  It is well past the time for a serious sit down.  Force it.  No letting him weasel or deflect.  Your future is hanging the balance.  He does not get to have absolute power over it.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

“He also mentions he isn’t in a financial place right now for a ring or wedding”. Now that is a cop out.

If you want to marry someone, you do it! It doesn’t have to be expensive! Plus weddings can be 6-12 months after the proposal so there will be time to save for a reasonably budgeted wedding, or even just elope!

As for the ring.. why plan all these big trips if he’s actually thinking he needs to save money for a ring?? I don’t get that.

What’s the timeline you agreed on for having children? Did you also agree that you should be married before having children?

Post # 15
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

wanderlust15 : “He also mentions he isn’t in a financial place right now for a ring or wedding. We’re in the middle of planning an expensive trip to Costa Rica and I just feel like saying I don’t want to spend money of vacations anymore until we’re married if money is a reason we aren’t engaged“

 

I think that is the PERFECT thing to say, actually. If he wants to make excuses, he needs to live with them.

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