- 5 years ago
Hi all, new bee to the hive but have long been looking for a supportive advice forum for my unique waiting situation.
My SO and I have been together for over three years, lived together for a year and a half to two years. I love you’s were exchanged around the four month mark, we decided we wanted to love together at 9 months and he brought up that he wanted to get married and have kids some day (knowing it had never really been something I had considered seriously for myself) so I took that on board and made it a part of my life plans. we moved out and rented together for 12 months around the year and a half mark (try before you buy) and decided that we loved living together and wanted to buy a house together.
To try and pay off debt and start saving a deposit we moved in with his mum and nephew in July of last year when our lease expired. Since then a few things have gone awry (I was involved in a car accident in which I was injured, and spent four months recovering in a period where I was supposed to have started a new job, this affected our ability to pay off debt and save). His mum has also experienced some financial difficulty and put pressure on us to bail her out a few times, which we have done even through it put pressure on us financially and also in our partnership. A few times the pressures of living with his mum have made me call into question his commitment to me as a partner and I’ve told him I’ve felt like our relationship is on the back burner.
I pointed out issues such as forgetting our anniversary, which I put a lot of effort into planning a date for to make him feel special and loved, saving every cent I could while not working to be able to take him out for dinner and a movie; spending more time and money and thought on rebuilding his project car than on spending time with me; and spending more time (including while we were at our anniversary dinner date) on getting into a band than on spending time on our relationship. Mr. Man has made steps to correct my feeling taken for granted since, and we’ve been doing ok.
Anyway, back to my “waiting game” issue. Since we discussed and agreed that marriage, house and kids were apart of our plans together, we have spent considerable time discussing what we want in respect to that. We both agree on type of house, budget, area, etc., roughly how many kids we want and have discussed baby names, both agree a small wedding would be nice but potentially it would be larger than we would like as he has a large family (italian) and people would be offended if they were left out. He knows what types of rings I like, and has even said previously that he knows roughly what he would like to get me and how he would like to propose (I couldn’t care less if it was an onion ring he placed on my finger when he pops the question, or what scenario, I just want to be his FW!). I know he’s traditional and wants to ask my fathers permission but I’ve asked him not to as my dad is hopeless and excitable and would likely post something on facebook or say something that would give it away, or worse go and blab to everyone about it so that we don’t get to surprise others with the news xS
We discussed what timelines we were comfortable with, and I said I wanted to be married before we’re 30 (he’s turning 28 this May and I turn 25 two weeks later), and that ideally i would like to start having kids by the time he is 30 and stop having them by the time I’m 32, and he agreed that if that’s what I felt comfortable with then that’s what we would aim for. My concern is that since we’ve moved in with his mum, and I’ve felt we’re on the back burner for him, he hasn’t made any effort or put any thought into getting at least engaged. We are firmly stuck in the pre-engaged state. I brought this concern up recently with him (as recently as last night) and after my tearful confession that I’m scared he no longer wants these things with me because of the horrible 3-4 months we have had lately, his response was that he does but that he doesn’t want them to happen while we’re living with his mother.
now, I get that. I truly do. I get not wanting to propose while you’re living with your girlfriend in your childhood bedroom, sharing a wall with your adult nephew and two rooms down from your mother, with no deposit saved for a house and debt only slowly being paid off (we’re on track to be paid off by mid next month). I do. (Ah, those words!!) but what makes my heart ache is that we are going to be living here and socking away our savings for at least another two-three years… So our timeline is blown out of the water, because we won’t be looking at buying a house until he’s 31, by the time we buy a house and move in and are settled he’s probably going to be 32, ill be 29. Allowing a year or so to plan a wedding after engagement, he’ll be 33 and ill be 30, with only 2 years left to have the 2-3 kids we wanted…
I guess age/number truly isn’t important in the long run, but I just feel – what would be so bad about getting engaged while we’re living with his mum? i wouldn’t want to be married while we’re here but at least while we have the opportunity to save, i would think it would be best to get engaged here and maybe married 6 months or so after we buy a house. Plan the wedding so we know how much extra on top of deposit we need to have, and set a daon once we have secured the property. I don’t know… Am I bring irrational; or does it seem like he likes the idea but doesnt want to follow through? I dont want to pressure him, but at the same time after everything we have been through in the last 6 months to a year, I feel like I need a little reassurance that what we planned is still what he wants. That a life with me is still what he wants…
i guess it doesn’t help thaam there are heaps Of people we know who are getting engaged/married/pregnant/popping out kids #1-3. A frenemy of mine (a girl who I’m friends with but likes to try and compete with me and one up me even though I’m not into that) got engaged and started the whole “when is your guy popping the question? How come he hasn’t yet?” Thing, a girl I used to work with announced she was pregnant a week before she got married (two weeks ago), and over Easter mr man’s ex’s brother (who he is still friends with) got hitched. Of all his friends, we are the only unmarried/unengaged couple.
rant/sob story over. I hope someone out there can empathise and perhaps offer a word or two of advice to tide me over…