(Closed) The waiting game…

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Honey, I’m so sorry. The only words I have for you that if it’s meant to be, it’s worth waiting for. I know the idea of not being able to get engaged for 2-3 years seems less than desirable, but if this guy is really someone you want to be with then it will be worth it. Life doesn’t always work out how we plan it. I know that we all have timelines in our heads, but they almost never work out as we had originally thought they would. 

Why are you thinking that once you turn 32 you can’t have 2 or more kids? I have a friend who is 35, was told she would never be able to have kids. She had had her first baby at 33, and now she is pregnant again. While it might be harder to get pregnant (unless you have other medical issues), it definitely is not possible.

Everyone has different situations. Your relationship is no one else’s business, please don’t let peer pressure make you feel like you guys HAVE to get engaged. I think that sitting down and talking with your SO would be a good idea, though. Express your feelings, but try not to guilt trip him. 

Massive hugs coming your way hon.  

Post # 4
16195 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Hey girl. Sorry things are so tough. My one piece of advice is to not get *too* hung up on timelines. We all have *ideal* times in our minds for when certain things should happen. Unfortunately though, life often gets in the way of things working out just so.

What matters most here is your relationship. Timelines aside, do you think he’s ready to commit to you? That’s what you should figure out first.

Everything else…while frustrating, I’d just take it in stride. Even once you’re married, there are a ton of things that could get in the way of your timeline. And that’s okay. What matters is that you guys are willing and able to tackle those things together.

Hang in there hun!

Post # 5
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Peach28:  “My concern is that since we’ve moved in with his mum, and I’ve felt we’re on the back burner for him, he hasn’t made any effort or put any thought into getting at least engaged.”

I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think getting married is on his mind at all.  It sounds like he’s got it set; lives at home with a mom & a girlfriend to take care of all his needs.  He is not mentally, financially, or emotionally ready to take on marriage right now, and being that he’s 28, I don’t believe that he will change much if at all.

Who he is now is who you are with.  I know that you want to get married and have children, and that you want those things with this person.  But if you don’t like how things are now, if you don’t like your relationship with him now, marriage will not change that.

If you really want to stick it out with him, then do it.  But don’t make yourself miserable while doing so.  I personally would never have agreed to move in with his mother, but that’s just me.  Take care of yourself and make yourself happy.  Good luck!

Post # 7
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Peach28:  Listen to what he is telling you, but know that it is not the whole story.  His actions are screaming way louder than any words he is saying.

I also have PCOS and am worried about conceiving.  The person I was with before I was with my Fiance was theoretically marriage minded but has severe commitment problems.  I was pretty unhappy with my job at the time and he encouraged me to find, then take, a job halfway across the country.  He said that he believed our relationship was strong enough to “make things work”.  By the time I moved we had gotten to the point where we decided we would get engaged and married.  But anytime I wanted to go ring shopping he shirked it, and anytime I found things online there was always something wrong (diamond rings supported the evil diamond industry, sapphire rings were too expensive, there were no vintage rings that he liked).  There was always some excuse.  Then it became, “Well, we’ll get engaged when you move back here.”  Uh, hello?!  I just spent all this time and energy to take a job that would be better for me, and instead of working with me to either find a job where I am now or find a new location for us to move to together, I’m supposed to pack my bags and move back to be with him.  On top of all that he would always be late (sometimes hours!) to our video chats, not return phone calls, and “forget” to call when he promised he would.  All of this time he would say to me, “Oh baby, you know I’m crazy about you.  I love you so much!”

One of our last arguments was on the topic of a marriage timeline.  I said, “Look.  I want to have two kids by the time I’m 35.  In order to do that, the latest I should probably have baby #1 around 33.  It might take a year or two to get pregnant, so let’s say we start trying at 31.  I’d like to enjoy married life before I get pregnant, so that means I need to get married when I’m 30.  It takes around a year to properly plan a wedding, which means I need to get engaged when I’m 29. (I was about to turn 29 at the time)”  He couldn’t handle it.

Of course in hindsight it was so obvious.  I know what it feels like to be so unfulfilled in a relationship and yet be so drained in trying to keep it together.  I put off making friends and exploring the new city I found myself in because I was always at home waiting for him to show up online.  I made myself feel vulnerable and isolated because of the decisions I made to stay involved with my ex, just like you are making yourself feel the way you are because of the decisions you made in your life, including staying involved with your bf.

Your bf has zero motivation for getting engaged to you.  Why would he want to move out on his own?  He has a roof over his head that he doesn’t have to be responsible for, food to eat and not only a mom to take care of him, but a girlfriend as well.  Why would he get engaged and then married?  That means he’ll have to put his big boy pants on and be responsible for his life.

I only get to see a small slice of your situation.  But from what I’ve read about it, I would not bet that you will get engaged to him.  I will be very happy if I’m wrong and he ends up being the man of your wildest dreams.

Do take care of yourself.  Focus on eating healthy and getting enough exercise.  Find a group of friends (not man-hating friends, but genuine feel-good friends) to hang out with, without your boyfriend.  It’s easy when you live with someone to just get sucked into only socializing with them, and it’s a healthy and good thing for your relationship with him to find other people to socialize with.  Take care of yourself and do things that will genuinely bring you joy and happiness.  Once you start doing all of those things and truly practice loving yourself will your path forward become clear and easy.  Executing it may not be easy, but you won’t be as conflicted.

When I broke up with my ex it was literally the easiest decision of my life.  I had been taking really good care of myself (with all that time he wasn’t online).  I lost about 5 lbs and was feeling really happy and good about myself.  I realized that complete strangers were treating me better than this person who was supposed to be the love of my life.  I was so relieved to get out of that relationship!

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