Post # 1
I’m so glad that this forum exists! My partner and I have been together for over 4 1/2 years, 5 years in May and I’d say I’ve been waiting without much hope for a year now. I didn’t really expect anything to happen in 2018 so didn’t get my hopes up as to not be disappointed.
Well he asked my ring size a few months a go and I know he’s got it written down on his phone. He has also told me to spam him with ideas for rings which I have done so I’m pretty sure he knows exactly what I want. I’m not expecting anything to happen imminently but he is very secretive about it so I honestly have no idea. When we discuss it he says he doesn’t want to say anything about it because he wants it to be a complete surprise so giving any information away (including the fact that he may not have planned anything whatsoever) is not an option. All I know is that he has thought about it, including how he might propose, he has spoken to people about it and he hadn’t done it before because it wasn’t the right time. We moved to Germany a year a go and he said that he wanted to wait to see if it all worked out here before making any solid plans.
He also said that it will definitely be in the next 2 YEARS… (I spoke to him about it the other day and sort of said ugh I worry I’ll be waiting another 2 years or so and he said it’ll be within 2 years) so I could still be waiting a while and while having some sort of timeline is helpful, it’s crazy to think I may still be waiting that long.
I love him and we both agree we want it to happen so I’m not sure why he’s taking his time with it. I don’t want to pressure him, I want him to be ready, but I’m going out of my mind, especially since I we talked about it the other day. I am secretly hoping it happens this year but with him you never know.
What did you all do to keep yourselves from going crazy? Especially as it’s something that could still potentially be a long time away! I feel so ready and I want to try to not think about it as much so that I don’t start to feel negatively about why it hasn’t happened yet!
For now, I’m still waiting but this time with hope!
Post # 2
This sounds a little unbalanced. I would tell him youre not comfortable living in a 2 year limbo. That you respect his desire to “suprise” you but you want to be an active participant in your life, not an observer. I would say you are comfortable waiting xx months (whatever you feel ok with) and tell him if it goes beyond that you will feel very anxious about the future.
See if he is ok with shortening the timeline. If hes not, I would say the suprise is not worth it for all this unneccessary stress and push to have a more definite and transparent timeline. You arent a princess in a castle, youre a grown ass woman and you deserve to be treated as one.
Post # 3
Thank you for your reply! I hadn’t thought about it like that to be honest. I’m so used to not knowing when it’ll be that I’ve just accepted the uncertainty and I definitely shouldn’t. I respect his desire to surprise me but the whole 2 year thing does seem a little unnecessary when I think about it like that. I’d rather he hadn’t said any sort of time frame than that and we could have talked about a deadline properly.
I did tell him a year a go that I wanted a bigger commitment from him at some point but I didn’t give a deadline so I guess I can have a refresher conversation with him.
I get what you mean about the surprise not being worth it. I’m nervous that I will start to harbour negative feelings towards him if I carry on staying in this limbo and I don’t want that to happen so I guess talking to him about my feelings is the best option. I have expressed how I feel like he procrastinates and he told me he definitely isn’t. We are normally quite good about being open about our feelings so hopefully this will be a good conversation that we can both walk away happily from.
Post # 4
Absolutely not. He doesn’t get two more years. It’s already been too long!
Besides, it’s not up to just him to decide when you two move forward. He didn’t even ask your thoughts on his timeline? You have a right to say “No, two years doesn’t work for me.” He had four and a half years to surprise you- he needs to stop harping on about the “surprise” because it’s BS. After almost five years, no one will be surprised you guys would be getting engaged. Actually, the only surprise here is that he still hasn’t done it yet!
Look, he asked for your ring size and what you like. That’s a sign that he is about to start ring shopping. Getting a ring shouldn’t take more than 6 months max. I’d tell him the timeline YOU want and see what he says to that. If it were me, I’d give him the 6 months. If he balks at that, then you will know everything you need to know.
DO NOT give him two more years of your life before you even get engaged. If he takes that long just to get engaged I’d worry he’ll take forever to get married too. Don’t tolerate it. alybe :
Post # 5
Two freaking years??
I’m sorry, he’s stalling.
We moved to Germany a year a go and he said that he wanted to wait to see if it all worked out here before making any solid plans.
What does whether or not it works out for you two in Germany have to do with whether or not you’re married?
I can’t think of any other reason than him stalling. I’m sorry.
I would tell him two years is a ridiculous amount of time to wait when he’s got no solid reason for waiting other than “surprising” you. Which is bullshit. He could give you a two week timeline and you still wouldn’t know what day it was on of that 14 day period and that would be enough of a surprise. Does he think that in a two year timeframe, you might forget that he told you he wanted to marry you and then be astounded when you’re presented with a ring? Honestly, the “I want it to be a surprise” is an insult to your intelligence. You’ve had the marriage discussion. There is no point now that a proposal would be coming completely out of left field.
Post # 6
Hi, thank you all for your replies. I’ve had a conversation with him this evening and I basically said that 2 years is too long for me to wait. We would have been together for 7 years by then and I don’t want to wait that long.
I have given him my deadline of 1 year. That gives him plenty of time to get everything together and plan whatever he wants to plan. Also that’s definitely enough time for me to be surprised! He said that it will happen by then and we discussed rings more. He’s already looked and we were both a little nervous because the ring that I want (cushion cut morganite) isn’t so easy to find here so we will probably have to order one online. He’s told me to find ones I like on Etsy and send them to him so he can have a proper look and contact sellers. He originally said he was thinking of getting me a ‘token’ ring so something plain and then we could look at rings online together because he is worried about the short return policies but after I told him how much I’m dreaming of this type of ring I think he will look at them more in detail himself and hopefully he will order something. If not a token ring would work while we look for something together.
This may sound crazy but my stomach is full of butterflies! Tonight was the first time we’d really talked about it in this much depth so I’m really feeling good.
Thank you all for giving me the push to express myself!
Post # 7
Sorry I didn’t answer your question. We moved here for him (another reason why I wanted the commitment!) and there was worry that it wouldn’t work out in terms of jobs or the pressure of being away from family so I think he wanted to see how our relationship fared before making the decision. It has actually gone very well and we are in a great place so I was surprised that nothing had happened yet and decided that now was definitely the time to put my foot down and have a proper conversation with him about my expectations.
Post # 8
If you are “going crazy” your relationship is out of balance.
Don’t worry about”being surprised”.
Don’t worry about the ring being “hard to find”.
If you love each other and you are seeking a balanced, loving comittment, none of that means anything.
If you are not able to have a comfortable give and take conversation about your future, one of you needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
Post # 9
I’m so used to not knowing when it’ll be that I’ve just accepted the uncertainty and I definitely shouldn’t.
No indeed. And it seems to me there is far too much talk from him about ordering and return policies and sizes and diffculties of finding and getting tokens and secrecy and the – to me- silly need for surprise and whatnot and not enough talk about wanting to marry you asap. Let alone any action towards it.
You have let him take ownership of this relationship’s progress and that is not right , you are not a passenger in his journey Time to clearly state your need and desires and wishes in the matter. His response will be your guide as to your future steps.