(Closed) The wedding is in six days and all I want to do is cry.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2759 posts
Sugar bee


Please do not feel guilty. I know it’s easy to want to, especially when your mother operates by laying the guilt trips on you, but you have done NOTHING wrong here. Your parents offered you a specific amount of money as a gift, and you took it. As you have said, you’ve tried many times to get her involved and she’s rebuked your efforts.

My mother is absolutely terrible with money – it’s been a point of contention between us for many, many years. I’ve learned it’s best to just step away and not involve myself with ANYTHING money-related when it comes to her. Obviously, at this point that’s not an option for you considering the money has already been given and spent.

But it is NOT your responsibility to clean up after your parents’ mess. They inherited money twice, and yet still managed to get themselves back to being completely broke. That is on them, not you. If they knew $10,000 of that money was going to be given to you, they should have budgeted and spent (or saved) the rest carefully. They chose to give you the money, it is nothing of your wrongdoing.

I know it’s easier to say these things than to accept them, especially when you have so much stress going on and a wedding coming up. All I can say is, hang in there – I’m sure your wedding is going to be lovely. Focus on the people who are there to support you and your new husband. You will get through it, and after maybe you can try and get into some counseling to work on strategies to help deal with your mother’s behaviour towards you. That’s something which has helped me immensely – for me, it’s been learning to say “no” when mine asks to borrow money without feeling guilty about it.


Post # 4
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

So so sorry, I have no advice, except that it isnt your fault 🙁 Huge hugs

Post # 5
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Tiffner:  Wow – this is my mother too in a nutshell. She is just like your mom and here I thought I was all alone in this misery. Not having a mom – most of my life. My parents divorced at 6 – my dad took full custody and I saw my mom every other weekend at my grandma’s house. My mother did not attend my brothers wedding last Sept. – our mom almost died in 2007 from bleeding in her stomach. Then Grandma died in 2008 so she started drinking again. She will not be helping me plan any part of my wedding – I am sad too – but I have accepted that my mom is not a great mother at all. She is a drunk – and that is being kind. She knows it. Unfortunately she leaves me nasty voicemails too and then she says she doesn’t remember them, so I record them and play them back to her. She is ruthless. Her and I have a very volitile relationship and I vow to NEVER EVER treat any future children like she does to us. I want to give my children the best of who I am and never want them to see me at my worst. Isn’t that what a great mother does? Yes. But our mothers are the very other end of the spectrum. My mom also is on heavy duty anti-anxiety medicine which in turn makes her even more strange. Even my brother has commented sadly, “It would be better if she were dead.” – he would never harm her, he just means it from a perspective of, “She is slowly just killing herself and dragging us with her – it is sick.” We are all a bit heartbroken, but pretty damn tough. Keep your head high. Remember none of this is in anyway your fault. When in danger of being yelled at: hang up the phone, don’t allow yourself to be emotionally abused, and don’t answer calls your not comfortable with. Right now I am on a not speaking to you mom – for a month now.

Post # 6
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

That really sucks that they are making you feel bad for taking the money, but honestly they are in the wrong.  I know its hard to not let it get to you, but don’t let them bring you down.  You will have a beautiul wedding filled with lots of love and happiness.  Hope things turn around for you soon!

Post # 7
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Tiffner:  *Hugs* I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be here for you earlier today.

First off, let me tell you that you ARE NOT selfish. Your mother has a disease. I think it’s time for you to refuse conversation with her until she learns to treat you with a little respect. I know she is the older one, but she has no right to call you and guilt-trip you over any of this. As you know, my mother was sick, as well. There were times I could not be around her or talk to her because her behavior was just too upsetting for me. I think you need to do the same thing until she gets treatment and can interact with you in a dignified manner. I think you’ll be better off without interaction with her for a while. I  wouldn’t take any calls or talk to her. I know this is hard for you but you are an adult now. The inheritance was settled on and it’s not your fault that she does not know how to manage her money at this point. You have given her every opportunity to be a part of your wedding and she chose not to. I think she was also being unreasonable about the mixer. She already gave that to you and you told her she didn’t need to bring anything to you at the shower. If she didn’t want you to open it until the wedding or shower, she should have made that clear at that time.

I know it’s hard hun, and I know you want her to be a part of your big day. Unfortunately, I think you’ll probably be better off to avoid her for a while. Getting married and having a wedding is stressful. You need support right now, you don’t need anyone pulling you down, especially not your mother. You’re not the selfish one here. I’ll be available the rest of the evening if you need to talk or chat.

Post # 8
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

So, so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, just support. Just think of the moment you are officially married to your FH, that always makes me smile. 

Post # 9
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your mom is mentally ill. Maybe it would help to think of the person who’s calling you as not your mom, but an imposter who has taken over her body – because that’s who it is. It’s not your mom talking to you – it’s her disease. 

It’s terrible that you have to go through this so close to your wedding. I agree with the PP that it’s probably better if you don’t have contact with her right now.

Also – where is your dad in this? Maybe I missed it but shouldn’t he be trying to help manage your mom if she’s this out of control? Is he aware of her behaviour?

Post # 10
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Hey…my heart goes out to you. I’m not sure if you believe in God…but you can reach out to him. Maybe after the wedding you can try and pay back your mom. 

Post # 11
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Tiffner:  Just wanted to offer hugs and support. I am so sorry this is happening and it is not your fault. Do you have any bridesmaids or a MOH? Maybe you could ask your bf who knows your mother’s history to step in during the wedding if things get crazy. My bf has a similar relationship with her father and we had a code word for whenever my friend felt like she was being cornered by her dad who would complain about his ex-wife (her mother) or the bartender or the band. I’d find something that had to be done or had to be attended to and whisk off my friend. Normally, I would suggest talking about this with your mother, but considering how close this is to the wedding and your mother’s medical needs, it just seems like the easiest thing would be try to ignore all the negativity and focus on the fact that your day will not be about your parents, but about the fact that you get to marry your best friend. Hugs to you!

Post # 12
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Try not to feel guilty about the money for the wedding.  If you could magically repay her 10k right now, it would be wasted and they would have nothing to show for it. 

At least she was able to put a portion of the money to good use and help y’all out.  You can still thank her for the contribution.  If she drinks all day everyday, try to reach out to her in the morning before she’s gotten too far gone.  Let her know you appreciate the money, let her know you will come visit and bring some photos of the wedding, ask her not to call when drunk and leave nasty voicemails.

Since she hasn’t left the house in 1 year, I tend to think she was picking a fight with you so she could have an excuse for not showing up to the shower.  Seems like it is too overwhelming for her to leave the house but I’m sure she desperately wants you to visit her.  With her many issues, this is the best she can do. 

Hope you have a wonderful wedding.  Hope your Fiance and his family become your biggest supporters as you have so much to deal with emotionally.

Post # 13
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your mother is mentally ill.  Try to not take it personally, just let her know how much she means to you and her gift of money.  If that doesn’t cause her to pipe down, then I would suggest making some repayments of the money after the wedding… no, you did nothing wrong, but it’s probably not worth the grief you’ll get over it.

Post # 14
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

@geekspice:  +1

I know it’s very hurtful to hear, but as geekspice said, all that yelling and screaming and hurtful things didn’t come from your mum, her disease has changed her. Please don’t let what she said upset you, you have done NOTHING wrong or selfish at all!!

Your mum needs professional help, don’t feel you need to shoulder the burden alone.

Post # 15
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Don’t feel guilty.  They are responsible for their own life, not you.  They made the decision to squander their money.  They could have very easily not gotten themselves into this perdicament.

That being said,  enjoy your wedding.  Instead of focusing on your mom who appears to being her darndest to make you miserable, instead, focus on the people who are happy to be there and support you. 

After the wedding, it seems like an excellent time to set up some boundaries with your mom.  Including hanging up on her when she starts screaming at you. 

Post # 16
1654 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@geekspice:  +1


Your mom is mentally ill. Maybe it would help to think of the person who’s calling you as not your mom, but an imposter who has taken over her body – because that’s who it is. It’s not your mom talking to you – it’s her disease.”

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