(Closed) The wedding isnt about just you…

posted 7 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 16
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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thefuturemrsD:  Is your Future Mother-In-Law my mother? My mom pulled the same crap. I don’t think it’s selfish at all. The ceremony like PP said is all about you and your Fiance – why wouldn’t you have it reflect the two of you? You tried to accomodate her. She needs to be reminded that it isn’t her wedding, and that she’s not paying a cent, so while you’ll accomodate her wishes and ideas as much as you feel comfortable doing, she does not get to pick every single detail about the wedding. In the meantime, if she continues to moan, just stop talking about anything wedding related. 

My mom got so pushy with having a church wedding in my city of birth and having a wedding with over 500 people (mostly just her family, too!!) that I had to sit her down (with my dad there as help) and tell her that unless she wanted to pay for the entire wedding herself, that there needed to be more compromise on her end. Otherwise, she wasn’t going to get to help. Harsh? Yeah. I felt bad. But it was worth having the conversation and laying out exactly what Fiance and I wanted, with the budget we had, and comparing with what she wanted (and making her realize she wanted it, not us) and the budget for that. Parents go a bit nuts at weddings. 

Post # 18
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I do think your Future Mother-In-Law is being pushy and dramatic, but I can kind of see where she’s coming from.

For Catholics, marriage is a sacrament, like baptism or first communion. You can’t just be baptized in a garden by a judge or a protestant minister, nor can you be married that way. The kind of wedding you’re having, while it may be lovely and the right fit for your and your future husband, would not be considered valid by the Catholic church. So, in the church’s eyes, you will not be married, you will be having extramarital sex, and this is all pretty serious stuff from the church’s perspective. If Future Mother-In-Law believes that, then she is likely worried about you guys. (If she’s not particularly religious and doesn’t believe these things then she needs to calm down)

Of course, just because she might believe these things doesn’t mean you do or that you should change anything. I think it’s better to NOT have a religious ceremony than to have one that you don’t believe in. To me, doing something you don’t believe in is worse. So I think the ceremony you’re planning is probably the way to go. But just understand that it means that you are doing something that, to someone who is very religious, could cause them to worry that your souls are in danger.

Also, while I think the wedding is mostly about you and your husband-to-be, I don’t think it’s ALL or ONLY about you two. If weddings were only about the couple we’d all elope. We want our guests to be comfortable. We want them to approve of our marriage and celebrate it with us. We want them to witness something significant in our lives. If it wasn’t about them at all then they wouldn’t be invited. So your FMIL’s comment wasn’t entirely out of line. Granted, she’s asking a lot and you’re not totally blowing her off, so she’s overreacting in that sense, but I did want to point out that weddings are NOT just about the couple.

Again, I think you should have the ceremony reflect what’s important to you because ultimately that’s the most important thing, but I think it’s important to keep her point of view in mind. I hope she calms down though.

Post # 19
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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thefuturemrsD:  i def dont think you should get forced into being married at a church. i do think that weddings are not all about the bride and groom. they are about two families becoming one. esp since shes not paying for, it sounds like anything! i dont understand why people pressure couples into getting married in a church when they are not religious.?? i mean how does that make sense? good luck

Post # 20
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015 - City Winery New York, NY

My Future Mother-In-Law was never pushy about it, but I know she was dissapointed when we told her we were not having a church wedding. Fiance is raised Catholic, now Atheist; and I’m raised Episcopal, now meh. Church didn’t make sense for us. You gotta do what is right for you!

Post # 21
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

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thefuturemrsD:  so I DO agree with the statement that ‘a wedding isn’t just about you’, because in many ways and cases it’s not.  If parents are making a substantial financial contribution to the day or paying for it all together – I believe this does give them some input and say and level of involvment (that may have existed even without the contribution depending on your relationship).  Thought I don’t believe the amount of money they give ‘buys them guests/seats’ or anything like that, but if you’re parents are gracious enough to contribute and ask for reasonable guests that you agree to, this makes sense to me.  There is a union between not only two people, but two families that’s taking place and coming together for the love of two people.  When I say all this, I’m referring to ‘little’ things – some examples of things we did a little differently than we would have if our parents hadn’t been equal contributors as we were – invited their close friends, selected a father/daughter dance song that my dad wanted even though it wasn’t my first choice, involved them in aspects of vendor selection (like cake tastings and things of that nature).  We still had the wedding WE wanted but made them feel involved and cared about.  You mentioned that parents weren’t contributing, so much of the decision making and overall tone and feel to the wedding I believe is driven by you and your Fiance.

NOW – in saying ALL that, I do also believe that a MARRIAGE is about the couple, and the couple solely.  You get to have the ceremony that YOU want – say the vows that YOU want and create the ceremony that suits the two of you.  I completely understand not wanting a religious ceremony or getting married in a church, and I think you two should stick to your guns on this one.  Do what feels right for you.

I completely agree with the points you make about having everything take place a the same location and making it convenient for guests – (it totally does, by the way!).

I wouldn’t turn it into a fight, maybe just don’t talk too much about those details of the wedding if it’s a sore spot, but I wouldn’t budge on what it is you want for your ceremony if I were you:)

Post # 22
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle

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thefuturemrsD:  Your wedding is a reflection and celebration of your love for each other!.. its about you two, while considering guests (which you have done)!. Also im in the view of if your not contributing or paying for it then you have no say.

Post # 23
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

don’t have a ceremony you do not believe in. that is my big thing, it’s like lying during one of the most important moments/commitments of your life. i would absolutely not do a religious wedding AT ALL (SO and I are both atheists). family can get over it

Post # 24
6471 posts
Bee Keeper

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thefuturemrsD:  I’m an atheist, OH is agnostic leaninbg towards atheist. My Mother-In-Law tried to push us into a church ceremony despite that fact that she has not raised my OH as Christian and has not set foot in a church herself for well over a decade.

I laughed, as did my OH. And we stayed firm. For us, a religious service would be akin to someone very religious having a civil service only ie it would be hypocritical, and meaningless. It would be saying our vows, vows which we both took seriously, in the ‘eyes’ of a ‘God’ neither of us believe in.

While I do think you need to cater to others when it comes to your reception, as well as in other ways eg comfort (eg access to toilets and seating) there were two things that we did not compromise on, and those were the type of ceremony, and the guest list.

Stand firm. If your Future Mother-In-Law has an issue, it is just that: her issue, not yours.

Post # 25
3315 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

No, the wedding isn’t just about you.  So if you’re thinking of having a nude ceremony, or serving only liver and onions because that’s your favorite food, I’d suggest either eloping or rethinking your plans.

However, if what you are planning is a tasteful ceremony that just doesn’t reflect your FMIL’s religious preferences, you’re fine.  Ultimately, your wedding needs to reflect the two of you, and can’t possibly be 100% to the taste of every guest.

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