(Closed) in Need of some Support…

posted 8 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sorry!   Sometimes the excitement of being engaged puts people in a fuzzy mindset.  I think most people (myself included) immediately go “WOW, I HAVE to have xxxx no matter what.”  Then you start pricing out venues, vendors, etc and you have to readjust priorities. Maybe your Fiance is still in the phase where he hasn’t thought about the actual expense of the wedding will be.  Who is paying for the wedding?  Is it coming out of a savings account that was reserved for future plans (retirement, vacation, family, college, house, etc?)  

I say keep an open mind and open communication with your Fiance.  Let him enjoy the excitement. Then as he starts listing things he HAS to have, you can recommend that the two of you start writing those things down, along with estimated costs.  He’ll start to see how quickly things add up.  Have a serious talk about budget and whether you can afford to “spare no expense”  Then when he’s done talking, let him know what your concerns are (“I think we should keep $xx.xx in the savings account in case an emergency comes up.  Do we agree on that?)  Then set up a realistic budget.  

Then reassure your Fiance that regardless of what the budget is, you can find a way to put on a beautiful wedding/reception.  This website is a GOLDMINE of budget-cutting ideas!

 

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m so sorry – that’s a tough situation. I haven’t been through anywhere near the pain and financial hardship that you have, but I can relate in that I wanted a small, inexpensive, easy wedding – or better yet, an elopement! – but I’m doing the big wedding for him and his family. We live paycheck to paycheck, and we’re not paying for the wedding, other than a few minor costs here and there. I also think of every single purchase in terms of months rent. It kills me, because my parents offered to give us $10,000 for the wedding, or just to start us off as a married couple. I don’t want to say I regret our choice, because I don’t believe in living with regret… but it was one of the more difficult choices I’ve ever made, I’ll say that.

With all that said, I want to believe that your situation will turn out okay. You love this guy, and you’re committed to each other as a family. If in your heart of hearts (I’m assuming you’ve done the requisite amount of brutally honest introspection here) you know you’re both in for the long haul, it’ll be fine. Weddings are crazy expensive – even the backyard bbq can get out of control. I hope you’re not going into debt for this – I don’t think that’s reasonable, and that’s something that’s worth sticking to your guns for. However, I think – if you two CAN afford this – you need to take your fiance’s opinions into account. And he needs to respect yours. That may mean a $13K wedding instead of a $20K wedding. No big deal. He should be able to live with that, right?

I know this was kind of a rambling answer, but I’m sorry for all the pain and trouble in your past, and you are definitely not the only one struggling with the absurd prices of weddings, and buyer’s remorse and all that. Hang in there, make your opinions known, and respect your partner’s wishes as much as you can. You sound like an incredibly strong and resourceful woman and I think you’ll be fine.

Post # 5
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Does your fiance know about your past situation? I would think he should be a little more sensitive to that, I would get scared over giving large chunks of money away too if I had to go through all of that ::hugs::

I know you said you’ve had this conversation before, but I think you need to again. There’s no reason he should only get his way – relationships are about compromise. Are you equally contributing to the wedding fund? Is everything going into your account or a joint account or his account? If he wants the big wedding then maybe he should front more money. He has to prioritize what is important to him about this wedding. Does he have a large family or does he just want to invite everyone he has ever met?

Post # 7
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Xplain to him about your past and how this makes you feel spending so much on a wedding.

Post # 9
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think its overwhelming when you think of the whole thing piece by piece. Ala carte like that ($700 here, $1200 there) can be daunting. You should sit down and figure out a total budget you’d be comfortable with and then rank things you want based on how important they are to you. I think you can definitely find a lot of DIY projects and budget ideas on here and other sites that will strike a happy medium between what you are willing to spend and what your FH wants. I get sticker shock sometimes too, but the best thing to do is just remember that you budgeted for it ahead of time, and you can actually afford it if you stick to the budget. And congrats on finding a guy who’s actually into the wedding planning and excited about the whole experience, he sounds like a catch!

Post # 10
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you are on the right track. We are doing everything the same way, if it can’t be paid for in cash, then we are not doing it. Are you scaling back at home to have to pay for this? Or do you just not like seeing your savings deplete every time something is paid for? I deal with that myself, I love saving but when I need to take money out, I get really emotional and try to find ways to not touch savings… even though thats the exact reason we opened the account.

I do think you should both sit down and figure out what your priorities are for the wedding. When I started planning, Fiance wasn’t really involved, and basically had me do a presentation to show how much the average wedding costs, where we can save money, what we really wanted to have and how long it would take to save. Then we set a budget and automatically took the money out of our accounts so I never “noticed” that it went missing.

I know its hard to get over what happened to you, but try to get excited, your Fiance wants the best for you and to give you the best wedding ever 🙂 Find your own ways to save money here and there, DIY stuff. It will probably get you in the mood for the wedding too!

Post # 12
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I haven’t had the financial strife you have, but i can relate.  I think it’s cause we’re paying for everything.  But I do find that i’ve started relating everything to cost.  If i buy A that’s like three months of B.  I’m not sure when this happened, but I guess it’s good.  I can totally sympathize with your feelings.  Maybe you can pick a few things to just say .. i’m not worrying about the cost of … say … the hall. 

Post # 14
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010 - Ocean View Villas/Jasmine Seafood Restaurant

This is a difficult situation, but certainly not uncommon.  So you are definitely not alone.  I had some major discussions like this with my parents.  So it’s different, but I wanted to tell you what helped us come to better terms in case it might help you as well.  It really helped to share my large budget spreadsheet with people and show them how the money really adds up.  An upgrade here… and upgrade there and all of a sudden you’re a couple thousand over budget.  It also really helped when you compare it to real life expenses as well (as you mentioned in your OP).  If you can say.. that’s a wonderful xyz wedding related thing, but is it possible for us to get with something a little less so we could save for our 1 year annivesary splurge trip.  Or.. if we don’t go with the chair covers, we could put an extra payment towards the car and that would mean we would save XYZ in the next 5 years.  Concrete things like that sometimes help people to stay grounded in reality instead of wedding fantasy.  Good luck.. money and wedding dreams are some of the toughest conversations to find compromise.

Post # 16
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010 - Ocean View Villas/Jasmine Seafood Restaurant

@future.mrs.campfield: There’s nothing wrong with you.  You’re being practical.  But I bet there’s a part of you that really loves Fiance for being really into it right?  You both probably really admire these qualities about one another and that’s why you work.  Hopefully you’ll find a way to work it out.  Consider it part of the wedding planning process.  The part that not alot of people tlak about.  Because I feel like everyone I know has gone through this type of convo.  You’re definitely not alone.  Try not to let it get you down too much… I know.. easier said then done.

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