(Closed) The wedding or the money?

posted 5 years ago in Money
  • poll: What should I do for my wedding?
    Work with my parents to try to budget for the big, original wedding (despite dad not wanting it big) : (28 votes)
    41 %
    Accept the fancy, intimate wedding, and deal with the humiliation of 'uninviting' most of the guests : (17 votes)
    25 %
    Elope with my fiance and not include my (usually amazingly supportive) parents in the elopement : (23 votes)
    34 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    6741 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    IDK what to tell you, but I would probably elope and send out marriage announcements stating that the wedding has been cancelled until further notice and if one day in the future you have the money for it, then I would reconsider at that point in time. 

    I would definitely not make my mom sell her jewelry.  And I understand being hurt and confused.  I would be pissed – that’s the annoying part about accepting money from parents; at any time they can just take it back.  What are you going to do?  Sue? 

    Sorry you’re going through this.  :/

    Post # 4
    Member
    7211 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Oh man. I’m so sorry. That situation REALLY sucks. Your dad should have told you what was happening before you sent out Save-The-Date Cards and booked vendors! I dont know what you should do. Is there anyway to scale down & fit a “big” wedding into a smaller budget? My family is HUGE and we’re hoping to do a casual wedding around $8k.

    Post # 5
    Member
    9549 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    That totally sucks. Your parents are well within their rights to not pay for your wedding, but it was horrrrrible of them to promise you to pay and then go back on their word. Would it be possible to get cheaper versions of everything from your vendors? That way you could cut costs but not have to uninvite people. And how much can you and your fiance contribute?

    Post # 6
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    If I were you, I’d elope, save marriage announcements, and host a little at home drop in reception paid by you and your fiance.

    Post # 7
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2014 - Carondelet House

    I would probably do an elopement and then have a fun reception at a later time for friends and family to celebrate with you.  I’d be worried that either of the other two options would be tainted by this experience, and you wouldn’t be able to fully enjoy the day.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1721 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    What do you want? If you have always dreamed of a big wedding and you have aready put money towards it you should have it.  Don’t let your dad’s ideas dictate your day.  Figure out what you want and then make it work.

    Post # 9
    Member
    9139 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @volesnug:  I am so sorry, this is a s#itty situation!  Parents aren’t generally responsible for paying for the wedding, however in your case, your parents promised money and you signed contracts then they changed their minds.  I wouldf they actually committed X dollars to your wedding, I would have to call them out on it and make them realize that by doing that you signed contracts and it is pretty late in the game for them to tell you otherwise.  September is far enough out to cancel (make Dad pay the cancellation fees.)

    Otherwise you have a few options:

    1) Keep your date and scale back the guest list and/or plans so that you can afford the wedding without losing your deposits.

    2) Cancel your date and elope. as dad suggested.

    3) Cancel your date and reschedule in the future when you and your FH can afford to pay for the wedding you want yourselves.

    Post # 11
    Member
    6123 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @volesnug:  I cancelled a wedding excatly 4 months before the big day.  Luckily it was the magic date where we could still get a refund on most things.

     

     

     

    I’d probably cancel it and take what money you both have and get married while on a vacation for you two.  However, if spite is anywhere in that equation, then think again.  You don’t want to do things out of spite.

     

    If anything, just have both of your sets of parents (or more parents) as your witnesses and take THEM out to dinner as your reception.

     

    I don’t think you can uninvite SOME to make the small wedding work.  That would look really bad.  So I’d either make the first plan work (sell your car maybe?) or uninvite ALL. 

     

    This is one of those sad stories of brides not having the money in hand before they plan or book.  I know he promised you the money, and you had no reasons to not believe him, but it’s very sad to see how it didn’t work out.  I try to advise other brides to not go by verbal promises from parents beause strange enough, this situation has happened to others.

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    259 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @volesnug:  It sucks and it’s difficult, but you might consider seeing if you can cancel current bookings and then make an alternative plan. Is there anyway to incorporate your current guests at a lesser cost? A different venue, menu, etc? Maybe a casual reception or bbq that is affordable?

    If not, I would probably opt for a more intimate/small destination wedding that still incorporated your parents. I realize your dad is being ornery right now, but it seems like your mother actually supports you. Would it ruin your relationship if she was not included?

    Post # 13
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Send out regrets that the wedding is cancelled, then have the small, intimate wedding. it isn’t anyone’s business, and if people get all huffy tell them you cancelled the wedding but then decided you didn’t want to wait so you had a small and intimate ceremony. people will understand, and if they don’t they aren’t people you would be close with forever anyway. they’ll get over it. people will mostly be upset becuase they missed the social event, not because they really gave a s*** that it was your wedding (no offense), and they’ll get over it. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    6355 posts
    Bee Keeper

    If you use your parents money, you are unfortunately obligated to work with them to do it in a way they’d be happy with. If you want something entirely different, it’s only fair to foot the whole bill yourself.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I don’t think you should elope. You should scale back the wedding to what you can afford on your own, perhaps postpone a little.

    I think your father was wrong to lie to you about what he was going to give. However given the information you given it sounds like the aren’t in place financily to comfortable host your wedding. Normally I’m not on the side on brides who come in here upset cause their parents refuse to pay for their big lavish weddings.

    I know h ise your Dad and probably loves you, but to quite honest I find his behavior to be quite shitty, and just plain mean to you.

    Your Venue and Vendors may be willing to work with your so you can keep your deposits. I been to weddings that cost millions and I been to weddings that cost a couple thousands, and I can tell you from experience money can’t buy ambiance, and money won’t guarantee you have a great wedding. Work on a budget with your Fi, tell friends and family you deiced to switch dates or venues and leave it that. Those who are good friends and family probably won’t speculate or make you feel bad about it. These things happen for a variety of reason somethings.

    Good luck!

    Post # 16
    Member
    1671 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

    Is there any way you and your fiance could work more (I don’t know what you do but if you have a 9-5 then weekends/couple of evenings) to try to make more money to pay a chunk of it yourselves? It’s too bad your parents weren’t upfront with you from the start, but it is what it is. I would not do an elopement without your parents present. There are also many options for a larger not so fancy receptions that someone could pull off (brunch, bbq, etc.)

    Either way it is a sucky situation. (I told my guy that even though his mom promised a certain amount to not count on it because of her current situation – it just would not be right)

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