(Closed) The wedding or the money?

posted 7 years ago in Money
  • poll: What should I do for my wedding?

    Work with my parents to try to budget for the big, original wedding (despite dad not wanting it big)

    Accept the fancy, intimate wedding, and deal with the humiliation of 'uninviting' most of the guests

    Elope with my fiance and not include my (usually amazingly supportive) parents in the elopement

  • Post # 17
    186 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    It sounds like there may have been a major communication gap between you and your parents. You may have been thinking they weren’t interested in your plans when they just didn’t like the direction your plans were going. They should have spoken up sooner. But given ” significant amount of money for a tiny wedding” + “decent amount off remainder of wedding fund ” is less than what is needed to pull off what you had planned, it’s time to cancel that wedding.
    At this point, what is more important to you? Being married by a certain date? Or the big wedding? If the answer is being married, go for the intimate wedding, and include mom and dad in all the preparations, especially writing the deposit checks. If the answer is the dream wedding, put it off a few years when you and your Fiance are making decent money and pay for it yourselves.

    Post # 18
    3460 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    View original reply
    @charmed59:  +1

    Post # 19
    11500 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I can only imagine the stress this has caused you, not only financially but also in your relationship with your parents.

    I am someone who, whenever possible, tries to give others the benefit of the doubt. It is very likely that your parents have absolutely NO idea as to how modern-day wedding planning works in terms of how dramatically costs have increased specifically for weddings in the last 20 years and how much long-lead planning is involved in this process now, and how binding the contract language is in terms of financial penalties for cancellation and even postponement. The big business that has become the wedding industry is a world all unto itself, and it is highly unlikely that they would have done what they did — initially promising you a large sum of money and then spending it on other things without telling you immediately  — if they had any idea of how all of this works.  So, I hope that this may help to offer a plausible explain as to why and how this could have happened. 

    As for what to do now, I am wondering what flexibility you may have with your current contracts and what you would realistically be able to alter to dramatically decrease your costs.  There likely IS a way for you to have a much less expensive, still very beautiful wedding for the same number of people, but it may require you to lose some money by switching to a much less expensive venue and menu.

    Again, I am so sorry that you are finding yourself five months away from your wedding date with all of these unaswered questions. Hugs!




    Post # 20
    3039 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply
    @lulu3535: +1

    I would elope. Having to un-invite people, back track on vendors etc… and then have your dad pay for those people he find’s “worthy” would just make me feel quite bitter on the wedding day. I would much rather have a lovely wedding with just Fiance, and then perhaps arrange a small reception once you’re back. 

    Post # 21
    746 posts
    Busy bee

    Wow that is s****y of your folks.  Yes it’s their money but they TOLD you they would pay, so why would you have done anything different?  I don’t understand why your dad is being a jerk all of a sudden.  You need to talk to them and let them know how everything is basically done, the Save-The-Date Cards are sent, etc, etc.  Maybe they really have no clue how much a wedding costs in 2013.  This kind of thing can poison family relationships if not cleared up…definitely talk to them and figure out why they are screwing you over.  If he really had an issue with paying for people he doesn’t like he should have told you that way before you made plans/signed contracts based on their money.  That really isn’t fair IMO.   

    Post # 22
    924 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    I would check and see if the deposits can be refunded and how much money you stand to lose by cancelling. I would take this figure to your parents and discuss it with them along with all the other projected expenses you had planned on and see if you can work out something. If your mother is willing to sell the jewelry she never wears to give you your dream wedding then that is an option.

    If all else fails, elope and throw a casual barbeque reception when you return. You can send a wedding announcement to all the people you sent a STD to.

    It all comes down to what you really want – your big dream wedding or just to be married (elope).

    Good luck and keep us posted.

    Post # 23
    1652 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011


    I’m so sorry you’ve been let down 🙁


    Post # 24
    28 posts

    Your dad gave you the gift of promising to pay for your wedding so you did what any normal person who receives a gift does. You used it to make your wedding dreams happen. Now he wants to take it all back?!  Lets say I offered you my sandwich and then realized I was still hungry so I grabbed it from you after you ate half of it. Just because theres still some sandwich left doesnt mean I am in the right to give and take back like that. This is your fathers problem and you need to talk to him about how unfair he is being and how he betrayed his promise to you.

    Post # 25
    604 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @volesnug:  So sorry you’re going through this.  If I were you, I’d try to talk it out with my dad first, see why he had a change of heart, and tell him about the money you’d loose on deposits if you cancel the wedding now. 

    If he won’t budge, talk to your FH about what you can afford and have the wedding that fits your budget, whether it be intimate, an elopment or a scaled down version of the wedding you’re currently planning.  If you choose to have something small and your dad contributes, great, but at this point I would just plan something you can pay for yourself.  If he backed out after you already sent the Save-The-Date Cards, I wouldn’t depend on his help with the intimate wedding, even if that’s what he wants now.

    I wouldn’t let me mom sell her jewelry.  People will get over it if you have to cancel.  As freaked out as I get about planning my wedding, it really is just a party.  The marriage is what matters.  You can always have a party later…or even on the date you planned to have the wedding if you can do it within budget. 

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