Post # 1
I’m excited about the Wedding, the planning is a lot of work but really fun and I can’t wait to see how it all comes together. But the Marriage part is scaring me a bit. I am a first time bride to be at 45 and I am worried because I don’t have as much excitement about being married, living together and all that goes along with it as I do about the wedding itself. I am worried that I may be too set in my ways after all these years of being independent. I worry that I won’t be as able to ‘grow together as a couple’ because I have done the bulk of my growing on my own.
Is this apprehension normal or is it a red flag?
Post # 3
I am a first time bride at 38 (married Oct. 2010)! We’ve lived together for 2 1/2 years before we got married and there was no excitement about moving in together or living together for either of us since we’ve already done so.
I really don’t feel this is a red flag. Have you lived together prior to this or no? Hence your comment about growing on your own. Personally, to grow as a couple you need to grow yourself. The two go hand-in-hand. Does that make sense? A marriage is all about growing. Not much has changed for us since the wedding. But yet, something did…for the better. I can’t explain it really but it’s pretty cool.
Post # 4
@stephinPA: Yes, I have lived together in previous relationships but not in this one. We have a long distance relationship and due to our jobs we chose not to live together until after the wedding. Thanks for your input and I’m hopeful to hear that things changed for the better after you got married!
Post # 5
@stephinPA:Not much has changed for us since the wedding. But yet, something did…for the better. I can’t explain it really but it’s pretty cool.
I don’t want to hi-jack your thread but I am SOOO happy to see this! THIS is my big fear. That things will change…but not for the better. I am terrified we are going to lose what we have. Kinda like everyone saying “You two have such a great relationship! Why ruin a good thing?!”
@sueanddemetrius:While this is not my first marriage, I am going into this one as a completely different person. When I ended my 25 year marriage, I was terrified! I had no idea who I was anymore or what I wanted. Now that I have “come into myself”, I am well aware of who I am as a woman and what I want/expect from life. So in that aspect, I can kind of see what you are saying. My only advice or input is “follow your heart”. As lame as that sounds, I am a firm believer in the old saying “Unto thine own self be true”. There is a reason you said yes when this man asked you to marry him. Even though you have a long-distance relationship, you have obviously connected at some level. The thing to remember going forward is all those little things about him that you love. You may have to make sacrifices (every person does as some level) but as long as you are getting as much love and support from him as you are giving, I don’t think you will miss your “independence”. Instead, I think you will learn you like having someone to share all those little successes and someone to lean on during times of stress. I hope nothing but the best for you! (((hugs)))
Post # 6
I am a first time bride at 40. There is going to be that apprehension and fear, but you can use it to create a positive. Finding the middle grounds and the places you cannot bend makes you a stronger couple IMO, it did for us. As an older couple we were much more likely to talk about issues instead of fighting about them. When we found each other, we were in a place where we already knew the specifics you have to have or can’t have. We would be together if (ie) he wanted kids. Don’t worry about the little things that will come up, you will find that it is a lot easier than you think.
Post # 7
@helenc32: I really appreciate your response. It’s true that at this age we really know what we want and need in a relationship. I will try not to worry about losing my independence and focus on those positive things and heaven knows, it WILL be nice to have someone to lean on and be able tackle life’s challenges together for a change!
@tksjewelry: Thanks for the great advise! I will try to look at the big picture and not focus on the little things/what ifs that may or may not actually be issues.
Post # 8
Have you considered premarital counseling? I think we are going to do so, just for the reasons you describe. I’m 40, he’s 36 and this will be a first marriage for us both. We are both somewhat apprehensive, but wanting to move forward and we think that maybe some enforced “talking sessions” may help us do that.
PS – I’ve been engaged a week and I am scared to death. 🙂
Post # 9
@Affin: Congrats on your new engagement! Counseling sounds great but for us, it’s a bit impractical as we are long distance and work very different hours in two different states. I have tried to bring up topics to promote conversation about marriage and expectations or at least to encourage both of us to think about what it means to us but so far it’s not working very well.
Perhaps you could share some of the topics that are being brought up in you and your finance’s “talking sessions”?
Post # 10
Don`t be afraid. I never married. I have three grown sons and I was alone for 13 years. I dated off and on during that period. When I met my Husband, I knew the second date that he was the one. He was the only man that I was willing to give up my independence for and submit to. At 49, I truly gave up on marriage!
Before he preposed. I asked him what would his expectations would be as his wife. He told me and I was in agreement. I shared my concerns and wishes.
He has two teenagers from a previous marriage, whom I love very much. I told my then Fiance, I was not interrested in raising his children outside the divorce agreement. We have the children every other weekend, his birthday, Fathers day, alternate Xmas and New years and every other week in the summer. Unless God forbid, something happened to their mother, that will be the only way I would agree to help raise them.
We decided to get Wed On Sept 4, 2011. In November. We decided to consolidate. Being active in the church, we decide to get married. Since we did not start our pre-marital counsiling, our pastor would not marry us. He did voice his concerns then he blessed our union and told us to get married. In Dec, we married, during a civil ceremony.
Since we had already began paying for our wedding and told everyone we were getting married on Sept 4, 2011. We will have our religious ceremony and reception then. Our pre- marital counselling became marital counselling. We are doing ok. We did things backwards, but I do not regret anything! God has blessed me with an Angel. I`am so greatful and blessed!
I pray you will get pass your fears and concerns. If you truly love him and he loves you, you will get through it!
Post # 11
I was a first time bride at 41. He had a difficult first marriage and I am really independent. Good job, house, etc. We have been living together for 2 years, so that helps. We really keep finances and a lot of things separate. We will probably combine things gradually. I think the important thing is to respect each other’s space. When one of you is feeling smothered, be honest about it and work through it. Assuming your Fiance is as wonderful as my husband, the benefits definitely outweight the disadvantages.