- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
At the start of the year after seeing some awful photos of myself at Christmas a switch flicked in my head and I started a weight loss journey.
I have never worked so hard at anything before. I ate clean, prepared all my meals, cut alcohol and worked out daily. In 5 months I lost almost 30 pounds. I seriously thought that this was it, that I was a changed person. I was struggling slightly, I had the occasional craving but allowed myself a treat on the weekend so was able to hold off until then. My sleeping patterns became a bit erratic and I stopped menstrating as well.
Mid way through June I started a new job which required me to commute. I was feeling tired, grumpy and had intense cravings for sugar. All I could think about was eating sugary food all day long. I eventually cracked and thought “what harm can one cupcake do?”
Flash forward a month later and I have gone up TWO PANT SIZES. I admit I have been over-eating quite regularly. I will have one or two good days and then a whole bunch of bad days.
I can’t believe I have undone all that hard work in a matter of weeks. I feel gross. I feel fat and to be honest it just makes me want to curl up in a ball and say “”eff it””.
I know I need to get out of this negative headspace. I know I need to stop eating rubbish. I know all this but I still act this way.
I feel like if I didn’t have these issues with food my life would be perfect. I have a wonderful husband, a great job, family, friends and I want for nothing.
I feel like I am either miserable because 1) I’m fat or 2) I’m thin but feel deprived off foods I enjoy.
Its such an all or nothing mentality that I am trying to shake by allowing myself treats in moderation but obviously I don’t know where to draw the line.
Sorry for the massive sook, I just feel so lost and like I have failed myself.