Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour
Confession: I get a bit squirmy when I think of myself in the role of ‘wife’.
Don’t get my wrong, I am in love with my man. I can’t wait to marry him. I want to have babies with him and the whole 9 yards. But thinking of myself as ‘wife’ is taking some time to get used to.
It seems that with every other woman in my family, ‘wife’ means having a second job. Being a wife means you are the Happy Homemaker (weather or not you are so ‘happy’ having to come home after a full day at work and still have to cook) and your hubby rules the roost.
But that’s not how Fiance and I work. I told him before we moved in together that I don’t do the whole domestic thing well.
I am still learning how to cook. I hate doing my own laundry – so I’m sure as hell not doing his. I break dishes everything. My things have a way of spreading out everywhere and taking over.
I wouldn’t say Fiance wears the pants in the relationship, but I wouldn’t say that I do either. We live in a day to day compromising partnership where anything having to dod with the traditional husband and wife roles goes right out the window.
So becoming ‘wife’ means having to redefine what exactly that means. And that leaves me in a little world of weirdness at the moment.
My Fiance on the other hand when asked what he felt about becoming a ‘husband’ just shrugged and accepted it as is.
Anyone else out there having a bit of a hard time imagining yourself stepping into the big girl role of wife?
Post # 3
It took me a while to get used to the label “married” because it made me feel old. I do like being called his wife, and to call him my husband.
To me, being a wife does not mean household chores. Those have to get done whether we are married or not. My job as a wife means making sure that our little family is thriving. This is my husband’s role too, as far as I’m concerned. It means supporting each other, making sure our finances are in order, planning long-term goals, and continuing to work on our relationship. We are a team. 🙂
Post # 4
I think the our relationship won’t change in how it operates once we take on the titles of “wife” and “husband.” We’ll still equal partners in a relationship. I think just because traditionally “wife” has meant being a homemaker, doesn’t mean that you suddenly have to take on that role. Nor do I think being an equal partner in a relationship means you can’t be called “wife.”
Have you considered instead calling each other partners rather that “husband” and “wife”?
Post # 5
Each marriage is different so you and your Fiance can just set up a system that works for you so the chores and household duties are divided fairly based on how much time you are both home.
Post # 6
I don’t think being a wife means you have to fill that role. All it means is you’re a human female who’s gotten married, you can make that mean whatever you want in your relationship.
Post # 7
You could always call each other partner or spouse.
Like PPs have said, the role and the label do not have to go hand in hand. The roles you have in your relationship will be based on your personal dynamics, no matter what you call each other!
Post # 8
Being a wife doesn’t mean you are a home maker, chef, maid or anything else along those lines. It means you are married to the love of your life, no longer single, legally signed unto another & if you are religious, in many other ways as well! That is what being married boils down to. If others think you are not as equal that is their problem, not yours! 🙂
Post # 9
My Fi and in had the same conversation! I am not domestic-y at all . Lol
Post # 10
I completely agree! Our marriage is not our parent’s traditional marriage at all! And that’s why I love Reclaiming Wife!
Post # 11
I agree with PPs. Being a wife means something different to every relationship. In our relationship, we’re 100% equals. He’s not above doing laundry or cooking and I’m not above taking the trash out or doing yard work. We’re a team first and foremost. It’s us agains the world. When he knows that I’ll be home late from work, he has dinner waiting. When I know that he’s got a lot on his plate at work, I’ll make sure I pick up and do the laundry that night.
In no way do either of us fall into the traditional gender roles of a marriage, and we like it that way. Just b/c some couples in your family see things that way doesn’t mean your marriage has to be that way. Make it what you want it to be.
In every sense of the word, I’m proud to be his wife, and he’s proud to be my husband. We take care of each other. As long as you remember that and are considerate of each other, you’ll have no problems.
Post # 12
I haven’t found that getting married and becoming a wife change our relatationship, roles, and expectations in any way. At all. Perhaps it has changed other people’s perceptions of us – and that I can’t vow for – but it hasn’t changed the way we relate to each other.
Neither of us is domestic. We are both ambitious and committed to our careers. We regard each other as equals. We make decisions together. We both wear pants – my dress pants are infinitely cuter, though he’s got some really nice jeans. I do admit to owning quite a few more pairs of shoes than he does – that seems to be the only traditional gender role I am fulfilling as a wife.
Post # 13
The word “wife” gives me the squirmies too
Post # 14
I told Fiance early in our relationship that I was no June Cleaver. I’m an awful housekeeper, I’m a so-so cook and a pretty good procrastinator too. Now that we’ve been together for almost four years, he’s pretty much seen the good, bad and ugly of my domestic side. Despite that, he still proposed and can’t wait to marry me 🙂
In turn, he could give any of the guys on Worst Handyman a run for their money. He wouldn’t know how to change a tire if his life depended on it. I’ve seen the good, bad and ugly of his ‘manly’ side too. And despite that, I love him with all my heart and can’t wait to marry him. 🙂
This is ‘us’ and we make it work. The titles aren’t going to change that
Post # 15
I think I’m in love with this thread. High five to all the equal partners up in here!
I totally relate to the OP, too. I’ve never been traditional, and practically everyone in my life has heard some comment from me about how much I disagree with traditional gender roles. Fiance is the same way, and our relationship and domestic life is balanced quite equally.
[small vent alert:] Yet, as soon as I told people I was getting married, some family members started saying all of these things about traditional gender roles and how my life was suddenly going to change? Examples: “Well, you should ask your husband if he’s okay with you traveling without him,” and, “Well I guess you’ll have to start liking housework,” etc. Where does the idea that people magically transform as soon as they have a ceremony come from? We’re not becoming new people. And while yes, I will discuss things like my travel plans with my partner, that’s because I love him and want his opinions on my ideas… not his permission! [end vent.]
We call each other partners but regardless, I think that “husband and wife” should be/are what you make them, not predetermined roles.
Post # 16
@bells: This exactly. The terminology isn’t really what matters. The thing that’s important is having talked before you get married about your expectations and who will do what chores/roles so there are minimal surprises!