(Closed) The WORST Family Drama Ever! I NEED advice!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

That’s terrible! So sorry you’re dealing with it. My biggest advice is to talk to your Father-In-Law *immediately* and get this cleared up. And make sure your FH is doing most of the talking. When it comes to parents, it’s always much better to let each kid deal with their own parents. Hope everything is okay! Keep us updated!

Post # 4
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

While it’s traditional for the brides’ family to pay for most of the wedding expenses, usually it is the grooms’ who pays for the rehersal dinner.  That’s just customary.  They want to obviously stick to tradition and do the rehersal dinner since they said they’d be paying for the food for Out of Town guests.  I’d go ahead and have a rehersal dinner. 

In recent years lines are blurred.  I was married before and had a huge wedding and paid for most  of it myself.  My grandparents bought the flowers though and I and my Fiance (now xh) paid for the food at the hotel reception and the drinks, cake, and everything else.  My parents maybe gave me $500.  But his parents did do the rehersal dinner.  I was up front and honest with everybody.

And when I remarry, I’ll probably carry some of the bill and my soon to be Fiance will carry the other half. 

Might I ask, what is the economic breakdown of what your parents are paying for vs. his parents?

Post # 5
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Wow!  That’s pretty bad.  I think the advice to have your Fiance call his parents and straighten it out.  Maybe say that each family is giving according to their means?  And that you don’t want them to feel obligated to contribute if they don’t want to?

Post # 6
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Oh no! I agree with rosychicklet. It is time for Fiance to intervene!

Post # 7
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Usually it is best for the person whose parents are being talked to, to do the talking.  (Wow that was a mouthful.)  But for what it’s worth, in this case, I think you both should straighten this out with his parents.  Definitely don’t do it without your FH.  But it’s you in the thick of it.  If you talk to them together you’ll have a united front.  If your Fh just talks to them, it will look like you’re just hiding behind him.  I don’t know why.  I just feel that way in this case.

For example, maybe your Fh could ask his parents to just come to you two with concerns.  He felt embarrassed that his dad left that message to his future in laws.  Then you could say how your really sorry for the misunderstanding, and never intended to ask them to pay for your entire wedding reception.  That way your FH can take the heat off you, and you can be proactive in repairing the problem with an apology.

Post # 8
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Just for clarification- did you ask for Future In-Laws to pay for food at the wedding instead of RH? Because there’s a big price difference between the two.

Also, was the monetary gift specified for the wedding, or was just a flat out gift of money for you and FI?

This sounds like some major wires crossing. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I agree with the other girls, you (and FI!!) need to get this cleared up as quickly as possible!

 

Post # 9
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

No matter what the traditions are, that was WAY out of line for him to do that. I would have your Fiance talk to him asap.

Post # 10
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

WOW! I cannot believe that he did that! What did your parents do/say? What did your fiance say? I see nothing but inappropriateness in what he did…agreed, get the fiance to talk to him. Ick.

Post # 11
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Yikes!

Miscommunication at it again!

Definitely have your Fiance speak with his dad very candidly about what contributions the two of you expect from him.  If he was offering a monetary gift, have your Fiance tell him that you both appreciate it and he doesn’t need to worry about the planning of it, you’ll both just add it to your budget, and figure it out.  Since it’s money, you don’t have to specify that it’s going toward any one thing (like food) until after you’ve done all your planning.  That’ll prevent him from trying to call around and book vendors.

What did your parents say about it?  How wierd is that voicemail??

Post # 12
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Eek!  Sounds like it may be a little uncomfortable at the next family dinner.

In retrospect, I would have suggested you have your fiance discuss financial issues with his family.  He understands better than you how traditional or progressive they.  Let your fiance be clear with his father that if he has an issue to discuss it with your fiance first.    

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am so sorry this happened to you.  I am sure it was incredibly upsetting.  If your Father-In-Law was upset he should have addressed it with you and your Fiance and corrected the miscommunication.  He should not have left the message he did for your parents.   

I agree with the prior posts — have your Fiance take the lead in talking with his father.  I would make sure he relays how upset you are, that the TWO of you never meant to offend him (get across that you and Fiance are both involved in planning).  Just know that there is time to smooth this over.  Try not to let this spoil your excitement and enthusiasm in the planning process.  

 Good luck! 

Post # 14
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with Liz.Smith.  Your fiance needs to play a VERY active role in this.  I would get in contact with you Fiance as soon as possible.  While it will be nerve racking and uncomfortable its the only real way to solve it.  There is obviously some miscommunications and assumptions going on and the easiest way to solve it is to go to the source.  Good luck and can’t wait to hear how it is resolved! 

Post # 16
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

That is insane. Please keep us updated on the situation- he sounds like a freak!

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