Post # 17
@Annie- I understand that you are upset, but though you didn’t necessarily do anything wrong here, re-think the idea of saying that he was rude and inappropriate and that you are rejecting his money. You might do permanent damage to the relationship.
Any good conversation starts with hearing the other person out. Then, tell them how the situation made you feel. I don’t mean, "You made me feel…", but more like, "I felt really sad that I might not have communicated accurately enough with you…" or "I was really hurt that I found out about this from my mom."
If there is one thing I am learning through wedding planning, it is that there is a ton of family drama that is magnified and re-inacted through weddings. It is better to rise above it and not let it get to you than to get sucked in.
I think by going the route you intend, you will be doing damage to your reputation that might take some time to repair. Vent to us, and then let it go!
Sorry that you are going through this. I definitely know the feeling of shaking and having your stomach in knots… Try not to show that to anyone but FI!
Post # 18
It’s good your fiance talked to him!
Personally, I would find another way to cover the cost of food at the reception. You were offered a rehearsal dinner, I’d take him up on his generosity and leave it at that. He sounds stubborn so I would just give in. Goodluck!
Post # 19
I don’t have much more input then the others put here but I agree with doctorgirl. For your sake and the "relationship" that can be built between you and Father-In-Law. But I completely hear ya I would be strangling my FH and asking what his father was thinking! I hope everything works out – I’m crossing my fingers for you!
Post # 20
Just to add, knowing my familys financial situation, I have been saving for my wedding for years, I can afford to pay for the wedding; this all came up b/c my FI’s parents are upset that my parents arn’t paying for it. My Fiance sees my saved money as our money and since I’m spending it on our wedding, this is why he was upset and venting to his parents. The Rehearsal Dinner discussion was decided a while ago ( I simply brought it up as an option) which his parents decided against, no problem. It was then at that time that they offered to give us a $1000 gift, of which my Fiance mentioned we would prob use towards food for the wedding. Their gift doesn’t make or break our wedding we just thought it was nice that they offered to give us a gift in addition to the Rehearsal Dinner.
Post # 21
I agree with doctorgirl. I think it is so awful that you have had to go through this and your Father-In-Law is very clearly in the wrong. However, despite that, I really think it would be the wrong decision to tell your Father-In-Law that he was rude and inappropriate. Yes, it’s true that he WAS rude and inappropriate, but telling him this may destroy your relationship with him permanently. This can have profound implications for your fiancee, you, and your future children. Yes, he was totally wrong, but he’s probably under some false assumptions and just got too heated. If you can let it go, I really think you’ll thank yourself later.
Just my two cents though — it REALLY sucks that he’s put you in this position.
Post # 22
To add my advice: I think the first thing you should do is talk to your fiance and make sure that you’re on the same page, because it doesn’t sound like you are. You may be ok with spending the money you’ve saved on the wedding, but your fiance isn’t. It may be too late, but you need to sit down and talk finances with your guy before you talk to his parents.
Venting to parents can also be a dangerous habit to get into, parents get protective of their kids. You don’t want all of the things your Fiance has complained about to be the first things in their mind when they talk to or see you.
As far as the future in-laws, it doesn’t sound like they know your family’s financial situation. It also sounds like they’re very traditional and don’t understand that it is possible for couples to pay for their own weddings. Before you point any fingers about … anything … explain that your family is doing well, but does not have much spare money to spend. Knowing this, you’ve been saving up for a long time specifically for your wedding. It would really help if you and your Fiance were on the same page here.
Good luck and try to stay calm!
Post # 23
Hi, I’m a couple days slow here, but I wanted to add another thing I noticed that might help your conversation. It sounds like your FIL’s are fairly controlling people. I remember your posts about the original Rehearsal Dinner drama, and it seems they just really like having things the way they want them. Is it possible that your Father-In-Law was offended b/c you suggested a different caterer? And that he’s transformed it into being offended about who’s paying for the wedding itself? It jsut seems to me that irritating as it is that they are insisting on having an event you don’t want, if you allow them to just do it however they want they might feel more satisfied and be less judgmental about the wedding day itself. Just a thought…it just really struck me b/c the phone call came right after you had the conversation about the caterer.
Post # 24
Your Father-In-Law was way out of line to discuss an issue he was having with you with your parents.
I am also a bit concerned by your statement that your FH was venting to his parents because he disagrees with the wedding budget.
My family may or may not be paying for my wedding since we are currently fighting (for long, boring, and irrelevant issues).
I can afford to pay for my dream wedding out of my savings, with a substantial amount leftover. But- and this is a really important but – I don’t know if my fiancee and I can afford to pay for the wedding of our dreams, buy a home large enough for a family and start saving for our future children’s college educations. I would imagine that it is exactly this type of calculation that your fiancee is currently making. You don’t need to answer any of the following questions on a public forum, but they are worth considering and discussing with your fiancee before you set your budget:
Do you and/or your fiancee own your own home? If not, would you still have enough money for a down payment on a home after paying for your wedding?
Are you and your fiancee planning on having children soon? If so, are both of you planning to work after having your children? Can your family afford to live on one salary or can your family afford the daycare/nanny that would be needed if both of you work?
Have you and your fiancee begun to save for retirement?
Are either of your jobs likely to be affected by the current economic crisis?
I don’t know the first thing about your financial situation (and it is absolutely none of my business). You may be able to easily afford all of these goals (in which case you can feel free to ignore my entire post). But if you spend a substantial portion of your savings on the wedding against your husband’s wishes and then find yourself in financial crisis a few years later, it may cause a significant strain on your relationship. Problems with finances have been cited as a significant cause of marital stress and of divorce.
On the other hand, if your FH has been less diligent than you about saving, you might resent him if you don’t get to spend your savings on your dream wedding. So the two of you really need to sit down and come to an agreement on your budget that you both can be happy about (or at least not resent).
Post # 25
Thanks everyone for the advice on all aspects of this issue. We met with my Future In-Laws and basically got nowhere, he didn’t apologize to me or to my Fiance, nor does he think he was inappropriate in the least. I couldn’t belive it but my Future Mother-In-Law blammed my mom for playing me the message and neither one of them admitted that what my Future Father-In-Law did was the least bit wrong. Future In-Laws are very controlling and we deemed the best course of action will be to move forward with FH parents paying for their familes out of town dinner the night before and nothing else.
On a positve note Fiance & I are on the same page when it comes to the budget for our wedding and agreed to move forward with my parents contribution as well as some of our savings 🙂 Thanks ladies so much for letting me vent about this insane situation!
Post # 26
first off, this is not the worst family drama ever. my Father-In-Law and maybe Brother-In-Law will not be attending the wedding. so while you think this is bad, it can always be worse,
i can understand why your Father-In-Law is a bit angry. it was very nice of him to agree to host a Rehearsal Dinner. you have NO say in what he chooses to serve. its his money and its his choice. we could only hope that he would be gracious enough to let you help coordinate the meal. if i was going to throw someone a party and then they told me the food wasnt what they wanted, i would be extremely offended! it was wrong of him to call your parents. it was also wrong that you didnt go through your Fiance. he should be the one dealing with his parents.
good luck! keep us posted.
Post # 27
- Wedding: September 2009 - Harbison Chapel & The Maple Lane Farm
Wow, drama. If it were me, first I would make sure your family knows exactly what is going on, so they don’t feel like this is a big blow to them. Secondly I would have a conversation with the Father-In-Law so that he knows you and your family received the message, and explain that he is taking things the wrong way. I would ask him why he offered some money to use at your choosing if he was going to react this way about it. He must not get that you are trying to create an event that everyone, including his side of the family, will enjoy and you are just trying to direct any money available to the wedding in order to give everyone the best.
Frankly I think you Father-In-Law is being a little crazy. Why give you money then freak out!? I they gave you a check that you immediately cashed after that offer!! Good luck with everything.