Post # 16
CakeSniffer : THIS. You hit the nail on the head. And I already DO all of those things, except I don’t clear my home computer because i know for a fact that he snoops through my computer history at home. I just don’t visit any sites on there he wouldn’t ‘approve’ of. If I did clear that one, he’d get in my face about why I cleared it. I have my ways of getting around him. I also know that if this was a healthy relationship, I wouldn’t HAVE to do this.
As far as not being allowed to talk to people…he makes it confusing. He agrees that everyone needs an outlet, he just first asked that I don’t discuss with immediate family. I get that, they’re biased. So I talked to my two close girl-friends, which apparently wasn’t ok either. So I talked to co-workers. Also apparently not ok. I’m running out of options unless I want to talk to the checker at the grocery store…How can he say that I DO need to talk to someone, but then get mad at every choice I make?
Post # 17
raina2016 : YES. Someone doesn’t have to be deliberately planning out their abuse to be doing it! Some people don’t understand the effect they are having or how wrong or detrimental it is. He can ABSOLUTELY be mentally/emotionally abusive without being aware of it. And maybe in some ways he is, but justifies it somehow.
Post # 18
raina2016 : You’re absolutely right that in a healthy relationship that wouldn’t be necessary. I hate having to give that advice but it sounds like you’re in a similar situation to mine. I’m glad you’re realizing how much of your relationship is unhealthy, though. I don’t want to push you towards the “grass is greener” mindset but it wasn’t until I met my now-husband that I realized how much of my previous marriage was just plain screwed up. Topics I had to tiptoe around, feelings I had to suppress, and the sense of hopelessness that I felt without being able to identify why are issues I’ll never have to deal with again. By telling you that it’s normal to talk to someone about your feelings, but then to deny you every avenue of that, he’s manipulating you. On the one hand he seems normal and understanding, but then he undermines that by negating his previous statements. He’s yanking you around and is making it impossible to for you to pinpoint what’s wrong because he’s not clear and consistent in his messages. If you tried to call him on that he could easily say, “But I told you that it’s OK to talk to someone about this.” It’s entirely possible he doesn’t realize he’s being like this, but that doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it either. Sure, he could have ADHD or coping issues due to childhood trauma. He might be a covert narcissist or have deep-seated insecurities. It doesn’t matter unless it matters to him. If he doesn’t see a problem with his behavior then he’ll never seek the help he needs to change. I know we’re only getting one side of the story from your posts, but it really does sound like he needs therapy as well.
The thing that finally made me leave was realizing that he would never change. We’d actually gone to couples counseling but I saw that he only went to humor me and in the hopes that the counselor would tell me what I was doing wrong. Once I realized that I also realized that my life would never change. I decided I couldn’t continue to live like that forever so I needed out of that marriage. It was the best decision I’ve ever made. I don’t blame myself for not leaving sooner or look back with regret at my mistakes. I choose to focus on the time I made the right decision for myself and divorced him.
Post # 19
CakeSniffer : Gosh. It’s weird how much I understand what you’re saying to me. And heart breaking. I don’t want to leave him. I also don’t want to be trapped in my own hell forever, and that’s what it feels like. I hate lying to him yet I feel I must. I know leaving him would absolutely break him, so I find myself hoping that HE leaves so I don’t have to bear the guilt (terrible right?)
And yes, no story is complete without the other side. I’m sure I do a LOT of weird crazy things that make no sense to him. For all I know this is all one HUGE misunderstanding between our communication styles.
I just…hate all of this. I hate that there’s a reason I needed to post this in the first place. I also hate that I know I need a counselor, but in doing so he’s going to take it personally…
Post # 20
So why do you think he doesn’t want you to discuss this with anyone?
abusers rely on secrecy. He wouldn’t fear you talking to someone if he didn’t know what he is doing is wrong.
He tells you those things to keep you trapped and make you doubt if you’re being treated poorly.
Yes you should get counselling. You should also get the hell away from him.
Post # 21
I understand all of your doubts and concerns. And I understand that you’re not willing to leave him, not just yet. I just want you to know that if you do make that decision it’s OK. I also felt like an idiot and beat myself up about having married the wrong person before I left, but I got over that pretty quickly once I was out of the fog of that relationship. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it brings you peace.
The bottom line is that you need to be a little selfish right now. Actually, it’s not selfish to take care of yourself but I know it can sometimes feel like it, especially when your partner acts like you’re inflicting misery on him in the process. You’re not responsible for his feelings or reactions. If he chooses to be upset/concerned/threatened by your going to therapy then that’s on him. I know you’re hearing the wise words from everyone else, but it really is not normal to resist your partner’s efforts to get help. That is a sign of abuse. He should be nothing but supportive of your seeking help when you need it. The fact that he feels threatened indicates to me that he’s worried about losing control. Which makes it even more crucial that you find a professional to talk to right now.
Post # 22
It’s certainly possible that you’re both depressed, and I have a concern that depression could be causing his insistence that you not speak to anyone else, but are you sure that he’d “let” you speak to a therapist?
Would you be able to make an arrangement for therapy that could be undertaken without his knowledge?
Post # 23
raina2016 : I’m going to go out on a limb here and say MOST abusers don’t think they’re being abusive. Even the ones that physically abuse their partners manage to convince themselves they’re not abusive or at-fault for anything. It’s their SO’s fault for “making them so angry/upset/emotional/confused/crazy.” So it’s very possible your husband doesn’t see anything he’s doing as wrong.
THAT DOES NOT MEAN IT’S OKAY OR ACCEPTABLE!!!
Post # 24
That’s true. And I’m not saying his behavior is OK, I just don’t want to come out one day and chastise him for being ‘abusive’ when he really had no idea that’s what he is. If that makes sense? Maybe it doesn’t. If I could show him the behaviors that are wrong and that need to change, through couples therapy if need be, then I feel he’d be more open to looking at himself and working on changing…as opposed to a sitation where I said, ‘you’re abusing me, stop’. He won’t buy it. He’s had women do that in the past and he thought they were being ridiculous liars. I did at the time as well, but NOW I see what must have been going on. Of course that never came through when he told HIS side of the story…
Post # 25
raina2016 : Actually it is a very bad idea to try couples therapy with an abuser. They are manipulative. They use whatever you say in therapy against you later on.
I do get what you’re saying but seriously: STOP. Stop worrying about his feelings and well being. He sure as hell isn’t worrying about yours. It is horrible being in an emotionally abusive relationship. I know. I was in one. Your whole world is upside down and backwards. Nothing makes sense. It sucks, but you can do so much better. You don’t have to live like this.
Post # 26
His exes are happier without him–join them. Getting out of an abusive relationship is scary and really hard–especially since abusers tend to be so good at isolating their victims (as he has) so no one knows what’s going on.
They may believe him when he says you’re being “crazy” for wanting to leave, just as you believed him about his exes.
Who gives a flying F*** though!? Get out anyway–it’ll be worth it in the end.
Oh, and DON’T chastise him–in fact don’t act like anything has changed at all. Talk to a lawyer without him knowing, get all your ducks in a row, and let him find out that you’ve found a way out after it’s too late for him to manipulate the situation and stop you!
Post # 27
suggestion. find a counselor. ask him to go with you. he might go once or twice. it might make all the difference in the world. it might make no difference, which is what it sounds like. then you won’t feel too too bad when you tell him kindly, “some people are not meant to be together & it’s no ones fault when they are different and/or incompatable & we are not meant to be together & we need to get divorced”. most of the time people do not change. we either learn to live with them & accept them as they are, or we move on.