- 4 years ago
Hello, this is my first time posting and it is a bit long, so I apologise in advance
My boyfriend and I met in Jan 2013 and officially starting dating Nov 2013. I am divorced after discovering that my husband was having an affair, I am 29 years old and my boyfriend’s last relationship was horrific and he is 25 years old (Just some background) – We will call him Mr Insecure.
So, Mr Insecure is wonderful, he is smart, funny, intelligent, kind, caring, loving, supportive when I need it, good looking, has a good job, comes from a great family (His father was, however, emotionally abusive and an alcoholic, he passed away 7 years ago), but his mother, brother, grandparents, aunts & uncles are all wonderfully amazing people and have really set a great example for him over the years. I come from a loving home, parents still married after 39 years, I am an only child and was given absolutely everything I ever needed, so a bit spoilt, but always taught to be humble and grateful for what I have and to be kind, caring and loving towards everyone, which I proudly can say I am.
Here comes the BUT…
Anyhow, Mr Insecure is always asking me if I have cheated on him, if I am sleeping with someone else or makes statements like “You don’t love me anymore” or says to the dog “Mommy is seeing someone else”… To which I always respond “No, I am not cheating on your, I have never and I won’t ever cheat on you. Why would I do to someone else what my ex-husband did to me? Why would I put someone else through the pain, anger and disappointed that I endured during my marriage?” To which he responds, “Why wouldn’t you?” Um…. Maybe because I love you and cherish our relationship?
I basically get asked every second day, “Are you cheating on me or sleeping with someone else?” To which I always have to respond, because if I keep quiet, I get told that that is taken as a yes… And I must admit that on some occasions I lose my temper, because why do I have to be insulted like that after everything I do for him!?! Let’s just say, I love Mr Insecure very much, but I cannot go through an entire life time with him if I am going to be asked these questions ALL the time… Nor will I go through a life time of not being able to speak to any male because Mr Insecure thinks that I am having sex with anything and everything that has a winky! I have asked him to deal with his insecurities (trust issues) and go for counselling, but he says that he doesn’t need counselling… Your actions speak louder than words MR INSECURE! And you clearly need to speak to someone about why you feel the need to ask me these things almost daily… ARGH!!!!!!
Example (This is what has finally pushed me over the edge): We have been having some security issues around our home, and yesterday I had a guy from a security company come past to quote on having CCTV cameras installed around the house. Now I know this guy, as I use him at the commercial property which I manage and he has always been honest and his work ethics are fantastic, so thought I would give him the opportunity to quote us because I trust him and know that he won’t rip us off. We currently have a low res camera installed in our living area’s window, just to pick up the front gate and part of the garden. Mr Insecure was going through the camera footage last night and questioned me as to where the security guy and I were the whole time (it was a total of 15 minutes that we were out of the cameras view – I was sitting on the stairs of the house having a smoke while security guy was on his phone with a client, the other 45 minutes we were standing at the front gate chatting about all security related issues and could be seen on the camera footage) and asked if we were having sex in the house, because as I walked towards the front gate I pulled my pants up (I have lost 12kg since February, after having an operation to have cancer cells removed and I just cannot put the weight back on, those pants are too big for me and he knows that!?!) I just laughed and said “Yes, xxx, that is exactly what we were doing”. So Mr Insecure got upset and so did I so I went off to bed, promptly followed by Mr Insecure, only to be ignored and not even said good-night to. I eventually asked Mr Insecure what his problem is and he told me to ask the security guy. So again, repeat ad-nauseam, “Why would I do something like that to you? Why would I hurt you the way that I have been hurt, when I know how terrible it feels and how it can break you knowing that the one person you are supposed to trust is the one who is doing the most terrible things to you behind your back?” Then my cellphone beeped and he said, “There’s security guy”… When in actual fact it was his cellphone that had received a message!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is something that happens often, faaaaaaaaar too often and I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I also have my fears and insecurities, but after attending therapy for more than a year, I have learnt that I cannot reflect my insecurities on to Mr Insecure and our relationship, because he is not my ex-husband and it is not fair to hold him responsible for what someone else did to me and that if I don’t trust him, my relationship will never work and I will fail to be happy with anyone ever again.
I have never lied to Mr Insecure, I have never done anything behind his back nor have I ever done anything which would even remotely make him believe that I have or am cheating on him, so I am dumbstruck. Is there anyone out there with advice? I love Mr Insecure, but am really starting to question whether or not I can live the rest of my life with someone who just cannot seem to trust me, no matter what I do.
On top of it all… Today he acts as if nothing has happened, he did apologise this morning after I cried, but I feel like why must it always resort to this? Him accusing me, me having to cry and freak out over the stupidity of the constant questions and then him apologising and acting like nothing happened… Mr Insecure mentions getting engaged a lot and getting married a lot and I so wish this for our future, but I cannot marry someone who will never fully trust me The past couple of weeks he has been speaking about asking my father for his blessing to propose and has hinted that a one year anniversary is ideal in his mind and I know that he has a ring circled in a catalogue in his car with my ring size, but how can I say yes, not being positive that he won’t stop accusing me of being a cheater every day for the rest of my life?
Thanks to anyone who reads this, I know it is really long, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.