(Closed) There is always a BUT…

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
7358 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Your SO needs therapy. He refuses to trust and you can’t fix that. You’ve certainly proven yourself trustworthy but he won’t accept it. So I’d make therapy be a condition for continuing the relationship.

Post # 3
257 posts
Helper bee

This is very sad for you and him, you both must be very unhappy at the moment. You are asking yourself all the right questions re: marriage. If I could suggest that maybe because of your past experiences you are entertaining his insecurities too much. It probably sounds quite harsh but these are his issues, you could be any other woman and he’d be asking the same questions and behaving the same way; it’s a reflection on what he’s feeling not what you are doing. 

Relationships can’t survive without trust, we all know this, and yours is still relatively new so there’s still time but this situation will not change without an incredible amount of effort from him and I have to say, no tolerance from you. This is HIS problem! If you do not exacerbate the situation then you aren’t accountable at all. He needs to get over it and if you aren’t worth the effort… is he? 

Post # 4
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

All I know about your relationship is what I’ve read here, but I must admit, I don’t know how you handle your SO’s nearly manic paranoia and doubt.

I’ll admit that I’ve struggled with my fair share of insecurities and I’ve acted jealously in the past but what your SO is doing is beyond anything I can ever imagine inflicting on another person or suffering through on a daily basis. Put simply, it truly, 100% (and then some), sounds like your SO needs therapy – stat. That’s not a dig at him but if he’s not joking and is completely sincere when he accuses you of sleeping with all these people, that’s over the top and irrational. In a way, I see it as being very controlling and manipulative.

Ex. SO doesn’t want you talking to other guys so he conditions you to expecting that he’ll accuse you of cheating/blow up/be unhappy/make you feel bad whenever you do. Lo and behold, after a while, you stop talking to guys to avoid SO’s temper tantrums. 

I don’t mean to sound negative, but I truly think that accepting a proposal at this point in your relationship would be a HUGE mistake for more reasons than I can write on an online forum. A few, however, include: lack of trust, hesitancy on your end, and an unwillingness by your partner to work on his problems. Quite frankly, I’d probably give my SO two options: 1) You can either go to counseling/work on your trust and jealousy issues or 2) It’s over. I could never, ever marry a man who had so little faith in me to question me every day. I’m sure it must be tiring and heartbreaking for you as well. 

I’m sure you love him very much, but please consider taking a step back and honestly asking yourself if this is what you could live with for the rest of your life. I know that I couldn’t and from your post, it sounds like you don’t want that either. You’re allowed to have male friends (whoever says otherwise is mad) and just think of all the men you’ll encounter and have to have relationships with in the future: fathers of your children’s friends, teachers of your children, coworkers, friends’ husbands, etc, etc, etc. 

Post # 5
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

MissDaisyJay:  the thing that struck me was the comment to the dog “mommy’s seeing someone else”. If you have children with this man isn’t he likely to say the same things to them? My mother left my manipulative and emotionally abusive father when I was a toddler and he was convinced she left him for another man (she didn’t) and during his visitation with me constantly told me about how “mommy destroyed our family and left me for another man because she doesn’t love me and you as much as this other guy”. All lies. And I’ve got to tell you that screws with a kids head as they grow up. 

My advice, please do not marry this man or have children with him as long as this continues. I would not even consider staying and facing this paranoia unless he agreed to get therapy because his unresolved issues are affecting the quality of your relationship. I really hope it works out for you OP, hopefully he’ll agree to get some help. 

Post # 6
4375 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s easier said than done, but I think you have to sit him down (on a day he hasn’t accused you of cheating – it needs to be calm and planned, not a reaction) and tell him that while you love him, you can’t plan a future with someone who does not trust you. Make it clear (gently) that either he gets counselling and makes a real effort to curb the insecurities/accusations or you will not enter an engagement with him.

If he refuses, as heartbreaking as it may be, you might have to consider leaving him for your own sanity and health.

Post # 7
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Nope, not worth it. Do not marry him. He will never change. It’s so insulting- it’s like he always has a level of disdain for you over crimes you havent committed. Leave him- it’ll only get worse. if you were already married id say counseling but youre not- why spend life in an uphill battle with a partner that at his core believes you to be a no good lying cheating ho. 

Post # 8
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Aug 30th, 2014

I agree with LadyBear… It’s ultimatum time. The way he’s treating you is messed up, and you should not have to tolerate it. He needs to get his ass in therapy, because that’s one hell of a paranoid world view he is maintaining.

Post # 9
6200 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

MrsBuesleBee:  Agree 100%  His behavior will only get worse unless he agrees to work with his issues and undergoes therapy, which is waaaay easier said than done.  I wouldn’t put up with what would be an uphill battle for someone I’ve been dating for less than a year and has insulted me every other day.  I would leave him.  Now.

Post # 10
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

No matter what you say or do, it sounds like this guy is never going to trust you.  Therapy or not.  I would leave because I would not want to spend the rest of my life under a microscope like that.  You won’t be able to do a thing without him questioning and/or accusing you. 

Post # 11
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It sounds like he has no respect for you, because if he did he wouldn’t be undermining you in this way. 

Also, are you sure he isn’t the one cheating? That is a classic “sign” that someone is cheating: they deflect it onto you. I’m not someone who throws that around, but that was my first thought.

Either way, this guy needs counselling like…..yesterday. And you need to cool things until he does. Marrying him is basically signing yourself up for a lifetime of this disrespect, unless he gets help.

Post # 12
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

This guy is never going to trust you.

And, the fact that you chose to name him Mr. Insecure for the sake of this story does not bode well. Don’t commit yourself to an uphill battle with someone who has deep rooted trust issues.


Post # 13
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Counseling or break up. Although counseling can’t work miracles and this guy sounds way off the deep end. 

Above all, marriage should be founded on mutual trust and respect. You have neither. I’d move on and let someone else deal with this crazy person. 

Post # 14
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry you are going through this. Healthy, fulfilling relationships require unceasing respect and trust – on both sides. Do you respect him? I wouldn’t be able to respect someone who constantly insulted my integrity and refused to take ownership of their issues and take steps to remedy them. Do you feel respected by him (based on what you wrote, the answer better be NO)? Do you feel he trusts you (obviously NO)? And honestly, his issues are EXTREME, and I dont think that any amount of counselling will allow him to function normally in a relationship. I would set up an exit plan; I know the idea of leaving him is painful (and you’re worried about what he will say/accuse you of), but for the sake of your own future and happiness, you have to do it.

You can love a person, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is healthy and it doesn’t mean you are meant to be with them. Respect yourself and move forward.

Post # 15
186 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I agree with previous posters, though. You need to tell him you can’t be in a relationship until this behaviour stops. Actually, until he seeks therapy and the THOUGHT process stops. Because if he stops saying it and still thinks it, it’ll just end up blowing up as he keeps it in. Some people just need to work on themselves before they can be in a relationship. A relationship is nothing without trust, and he clearly doesn’t trust you.

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