(Closed) There is really no point to this post.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

renierose:  Sometimes you just get to the point, where you’ve had enough. I’ve been there..

Post # 32
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Mental illness is one thing. Bad behaviour is another. If you do not have enough money to properly look after your pets, borrow some from your parents. They seem willing to share their income and that is very generous of them. As for your boyfriend, he needs medical help and he needs it right now. It is your responsibility to report those who are a danger to themselves if they in fact are. If you do not know what the best thing to do is, phone a doctor or a therapist for advice. Explain the situation and the threats. Do not wait for it to get worse. Be proactive. If he cannot do it for himself then you need to accept that you entered this relationship with a severely ill and codependant man. You allowed yourself to become his lifeline. You now need to plan your next moves with common sense and kindness. He is acting like a child but needy children act out. Adults contain, distract and guide them into healthy, appropriate behaviors. 

Post # 33
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I have to go on an emergency trip to the UK (from Nicaragua) this weekend for two weeks to help my family out with some stuff. My Fiance will miss me, and I will miss her, but she won’t die without me. That’s too extreme. This behaviour is not normal. You need to leave as quickly as possible.

Post # 34
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

This might be shitty, abusive, and manipulative like everyone is saying… BUT if the guy really does deal with depression then his threats might not be empty. If you care about him in the slightest please get him help. Talk to his therapist. Encourage him to call a hotline. Call his family. Do something. I’m not saying don’t go on your vacation, or that you should stay with him. I’m just saying I think you should try helping him before just leaving him in the dust.

Post # 35
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

renierose:  I’m currently in Cambodia for 10 days without my Fiance and my Fiance is fine with that! In facts he is happy that I am doing something new and fun. I’ve also visited my family for an extended period of time without him. He was never mad, hurt, jealous, or threatened suicide. He was happy for me. You might want to reevaluate  your statement. Couples are allowed to be a part. 

OP- The sad fact is, if he truly wants to hurt himself he will find a way and more often than not, when someone threatens self harm in order to keep another person with them, they are trying to emotionally manipulate you and that in itself is abuse. And as other PP have stated, if you are truly that afraid that your SO will not take care of the animals he adores, then explain the situation to your parents and ask them for some money to get a pet sitter. If you want to go on this trip you will make it happen. 

Post # 36
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

renierose:  I don’t think that’s what she means-her pets are within her power (and are her responsibility) to keep safe.  This guy, not within her power if he doesn’t want the help.  Unless you’ve been in this type of manipulative situation, you really can’t know draining it can be.

Post # 37
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ckasnoff:  no, I’m not going to reevaluate my statement.  If my DH’s family invited him on a trip, but purposely excluded me, I’d be pissed.  I’m allowed to feel that way.  The OP asked a question and I pointed out that her vacation would upset me, too.  No, I wouldn’t threaten suicide, but I would seriously start considering a divorce.  Leaving me out of a family trip would not be okay.

Post # 38
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

renierose:  Yeah, but they aren’t married.  That’s a huge difference.  Taking a trip seperatley is allowed (in my opinion, it’s okay when married, as well, but you obviously disagree and that’s okay.)  Still, seperate trips as Boyfriend or Best Friend and Girlfriend are entirely different than as husband and wife.  

Also, does this guy really sound like someone you’d invite on a trip with your daughter?  It is obviously toxic, and good for the OP for taking time away to think.

Post # 39
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

renierose:  First thing, they are not married. So excluding him from a family trip, that her parents paid for is perfectly acceptable. Especially since the OP said they had broken up and it had been for awhile. So why should her parents invite and/or pay for someone that they know had been out of the picture for awhile and may potentially be gone again soon? Makes ZERO sense to me and her parents could also be sensing OPs unhappiness. 

 

Post # 40
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

renierose:  I really hope that it’s because it’s the last straw and not indicative of OP’s general level of compassion. Because, yeah, my partner feeling suicidal and depressed to the point of being incapable of handling daily tasks would definitely concern me more than a turtle.

Post # 41
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I know it’s hard to imagine, but he might not be acting like an asshole for the hell of it. Severely depressed people are not fun to deal with. They are frustrating, even maddening. But they aren’t necessarily assholes. He may really feel like he’ll die if you leave. This may be his way of telling you he doesn’t trust himself to be safe while you’re gone. I will agree, however, that he is not your responsibility. Make records of his statements and contact his psychiatrist, therapist, your local ER, whatever. It may seem like he wants attention, but sometimes someone close to suicide announces it as a way, not to say, “hey, look at me!” But, “hey, look at me, I need your help!”

Post # 42
Member
9760 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

xstitchbride425:  Agreed. 

OP, you should still go on your trip and have a good time! However I disagree with renierose:, you have every right to be concerned about your animals, they are your family and should be taken care of properly, just like any other family member! However, I do think you need to have more concern for your SO, major depression is hard for those around the person with the illness, but it is even harder for the person with the illness. And like you said, he hasn’t really got a support network of family and friends, besides you, so he may really feel like without you there and something happens he will die. 

So if that is the case, you need to get him help ASAP, and encourage him to build up a support network, especially if you intend on ending the relationship soon after your trip. That way he will feel more secure and safe with you gone, as he will have someone else to turn to if he is feeling really low. However if he is, as you and most other bees feel, just saying that or using those feelings to manipulate you, that is unacceptable, even given his illness. I have the same illness, among others, but I could never imagine, and have never, used that to try and get Fiance to cancel a holiday! That is crossing the line in my book. However, even if he is just using that as manipulation, it is better to be safe than sorry, and do as other bees suggest and call adult social services or the police, and let him know you have done so so he can feel more secure or know that his manipulation hasn’t worked and won’t work and you will still go on the trip.

Again, you have every right to be concerned for the welfare of your animals, and I would get someone (a friend or someone else) to check on them every couple of days to make sure they are being cared for properly.  

Post # 43
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ckasnoff:  several people I knew have committed suicide.  I wasn’t too close with any of them, but I was still devastated and had wished that they could have reached out for help.  

If someone you once cared for, and still live with, is talking about killing himself, I think it’s pretty ridiculous to go on a family trip and complain about how abusive he is.  The OP may have reached the end of her rope, but to me she sounds selfish and heartless.  I wouldn’t want to be close with someone like that.

Post # 44
Member
23 posts
Newbee

Agree with some PPs.

i myself have dealt with mental illness in the past, and I have been in a place where I was terrified to be alone, and the simplest tasks (like feeding animals) are just unfathomable. Depression is awful.

It is your responsibility as a human being to do everything you can to point him in the right direction, and notify people who are qualified to help.

It is NOT your responsibility to fix him yourself, or sacrifice your own happiness for him.

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