(Closed) There will be no ring

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Is there any way he would compromise and get you a $100 gemstone ring? 🙁 That way you could still have the sentiment you’re looking for with a much more ‘practical’ price tag.

Post # 4
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Sally Single:

OW!  Do you know if he wants to get married? Is this just a “practical” guy thing with him?  FWIW-My guy doesn’t buy me cut flowers much-he much rather buy me flowering plants-cause cut flowers just die.  Maybe he just doesn’t understand it from a woman’s point of view?  Could you let him know how much IT would mean to you?  Or maybe choose a different gem like Jolee suggested?

Post # 5
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

There will be no sex

Post # 7
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It should matter to him because it matters to you.  If you can’t afford wht you want right now, you can get something inexpensive and replace it later. 

Post # 9
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think there are other guys like this.  Frankly, I am kind of like this and I’m a girl (I am as romantic as a sock with holes in it!).

My fiance wanted to give me an engagement ring but he REFUSED to buy a diamond.  He would have used an heirloom diamond, but there was absolutely no way he would have spent his money on one (he has multiple reasons for this).  If I had told him that was what I wanted, no compromise, he probably would have seen it as a sign that maybe I wasn’t who he thought I was or who he wanted to marry.  (though it would have also been really out of character for me to say that.)

Guys have their own preferences.  Just like some women really want a diamond (and others want something else), sometimes it matters to guys what they buy or don’t buy.  If it really matters to you, talk to him about other ways he can make you feel special and signify hsi commitment without breaking the bank.  Just be aware that his preferences don’t make you defective.

Post # 10
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You have to tell him that getting married is important to you, and yes you might have said 3 years ago that you didn’t need to get married but now you WANT to get married.

Post # 11
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You know what, even if you told him that you didn’t need to get married when you first met, it’s ok to reevaluate your priorities. Part of keeping tap on the relationship’s pulse is to find out where each person’s head is from time to time. It’s perfectly normal to change and grow and learn that you wanted things out of life that weren’t important three years ago.

It sounds like you and your bf need to sit down and have a really serious discussion about what you want NOW, and don’t base it on things you told each other three years ago. 

Post # 13
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It seems like you are sacrificing what you really want just to stay with him

There are definitely sacrifices made when in a relationship but they are usually minor.

It seems like he likes the way things are and doesn’t want more.  He isn’t willing to give you what you want in order for you to stay. 

I know some people say marriage is just a piece of paper but it is way more than that.  

Post # 14
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have a girlfriend who has been dating her Boyfriend or Best Friend for as long as I’ve been dating my Fiance.  He tells her he doesnt believe in marriage.  I understand that and can appreciate that some folks just see it as a piece of paper, etc.  The one thing that I always fall back on when listening her try to reason through it is that marriage is the highest form of commitment in our culture.  Whether that is right/wrong or dumb to place that much emphasis on a piece of paper, it still is what it is. 

I don’t think I could be satisfied with a relationship and really believe it is “forever” if he wasnt willing to make that commitment. 

I agree with the other posters.  A good conversation with him is in order…

Post # 15
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@missy11: hahaha! That willl definitely change things!

Post # 16
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think a lot of men don’t understand what the engagement ring means, and how a lack of one, even if he has prposed and a wedding is being planned will reflect on him, and thereby you.

The ring is the “I’ve made a visible committment to you – I will not let you plan a wedding for 6 months only to back out, because I have put my money where my mouth is,” symbol.  It’s really easy for guys these days to say, “sure, baby, I’ll marry you… as soon as Blank happens,” or so on.  I’m not saying guys who propsoe without a ring are deadbeats, I’m not knocking any ladies who actually, honeslty don’t want or care for aring… I’m just trying to make the point that the ring is part of the betrothal contract.  It says, “I’m not kidding about this, I’m serious about this, and I am following the time-honored traditions of my “tribe” of humanity to make it clear to any and all who ask.” 

Look on this board at the questions asked not only of ladies who’ve decided to stay ring-less and plan the wedding anyway, or even those who have a ring that’s not the “traditional” Tiaffny’s solitaire – they repeatedly get asked, “Are you sure you’re engaged?”  “What’s wrong with him, anyway?” Parents will probably not respect him as much for forgoing the ring, friends and other family will make comments – granted, the world’s gossip isn’t supposed to be your yardstick in how to measure your relationship, but since we can’t escape the world, and one or both of you will be asked such questions, it’s really far easier to simply get an inexpensive ring than to deal with the potential ill will.  Inexpensive depends on other financial concerns, for some fortunate people on this board, $10K is a resaonable price… for me, I cringe at rings/bridal sets that cost more that $500.00.  He could find a really pretty faux ring or gemstone other than a diamond (white saphire, birthstones, etc) that you might love after he gives it to you for less than $100.00.  He might find that his grandmother had a neato ring (or someone in your family has one) that was inteded to be passed down to a special lady – so cost is only one concern about a ring. 

I think the big thing you need to worry about right now is his insistance that you didn’t want to be married 3 years ago – depending on your age, a lot of growing can life goal changing can happen in 3 years.  I was fine in my 20s when only 1 couple out of our group was married.  I’m having a far more difficult time not that we’re the LAST couple in our 30s to still be “single”.  I agree with the PP who said the re-assesment of life goals is not only normal, it’s expected.  Someone who is happy living in their mom’s basement right out of high school might not feel so great about it at 30.  Women who are fine “just dating” often aren’t fine forever like that.  Many men don’t seem to feel an urge for marraige until they are pushing 30 themselves, so if your SO isn’t there, it might be a while until he sees it as desirable.

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