There's a bad shift happening in my relationship

posted 5 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

Having him up on a pedestal was flag number one. 

You overlooked so many warning signs with him just because it wasn’t directed at you. 

Now it’s being directed at you and you’re thrown by it. 

But he hasn’t changed Bee, you just ignored how ‘tricky’ he was for others to get along with, you just shrugged off his ‘outbursts’ at work. 

You describe this as a blissfully happy relationship but I don’t see how it could possibly be- unless you’re mistaking his post-blow-up love bombing with romance. 

Sorry, but the blunt truth is this situation is very likely to get worse not better and the real question is how long you’re willing to put up with it. 

You’ve had this in other relationships, but there hasn’t been some drastic ‘shift’ in  their personalities, you’ve identified some of the warning signs in your post, you just choose to highly idealize your partner and ignore what doesn’t sit right with you until it gets worse &/ or is directed at you once the honeymoon phase of best behaviour has worn off. 

Post # 3
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You should of seen the signs how he acted towards other people. Especially “always getting in trouble at work”. You would think this would be the one place where he would want to watch his attitude and NOT get into trouble. If he can’t control his temper there it would only be a matter of time that it would show. And saying he is a very tricky person to get along with I would think you mean a lot of people don’t get along with him. Your using words to sugar coat who he really is. People don’t get along with him because of his attitude. If it quacks like a duck than it’s a duck bee. He is now getting comfortable in the relationship so he is showing his true colors. You saw this warm loving wonderful man. But the rest of his co-workers, friends and probaly his family see an asshole. Its not you, but it’s the men that you attract. You must be this wonderful, will do anything for their man women. Who these men will take advantage of. They get you and then show you their true colors. How are you suppose to know who they really are? Your not. Don’t blame yourself bee. Blame them for treating you so wrong. 

Post # 4
Member
794 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You aren’t attracting these relationships you are purposely choosing them. Carefully read back over your original post. 

You clearly say that you knew he had temper issues that kept him from holding down a job and having meaningful friendship. Do you know what you should have done when you first noticed that? Dumped him and moved on. As long as you keep ignoring the bad in people you are ALWAYS going to be dissapointed in them. 

He showed you who he was and you ignored it. You choose to be with someone who is not amazing AT ALL. You need to dump him and do some serious work on yourself to figure out why you are picking such jerks. And why your standards for a partner are so low. 

Also you need to realize that while at first his bad behavior was directed at other people, it is behavior that would seriously impact your future. A guy who can’t hold down a job or have friendships is a guy who won’t be able to support a family, or be good with kids who need tons and tons of patience. You need to learn that a persons bad character does effect you and can’t be ignored. You need to get smarter about seeing how his bad behavior does and would effect you even if he isn’t doing it directly to you. 

shandigray :  

Post # 5
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee

You need to remember that you are never going to be the exception.

I had an ex who used to always make me feel uncomfortable whenever he interacted with service people who had done something mildly wrong. He was nice and polite enough when they were doing their jobs properly, but the moment they revealed themselves to be generally incompetent or useless (hello Comcast customer service), a cruel condescenion would spring forth from my ex that unsettled me. I know the general rule of thumb that if your date is rude to the waiter, to run, but I wasn’t sure to do in this situation — it wasn’t all of them, after all, just the ones that exasperate us all.  I didn’t break up with him — everything was otherwise perfect. 

But the thing about long term relationships is that eventually you will have conflict, and eventually you will not hold the vaunted position as strongly as you once did. And the way your partner treats you in those moments will be the way they treat everyone else. And he treated me the way he treated them — and I finally left. Because I was not the exception. 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
2519 posts
Sugar bee

“With everyone else, he is a very tricky person to get along with. He just has this tendency to be argumentative and sometimes just rubs people the wrong way. Again, never acted this way towards me so I let it go.”

It’s a truism that the measure of a person’s character is in how they treat the people who can do nothing for them. How people treat people they want something from is never a good indicator. A man courting a new woman is very likely to put on a facade that isn’t representative of his true character. I agree with PPs that you’ve overlooked major red flags. And to quote Maya Angelou, “when someone shows you who you are, believe them.” 

Post # 7
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

shandigray :  Someone who gets in trouble for outbursts at work, is not amazing. Not by a longshot. “Complete inability to control his emotions” …?!? This is not relationship material. Your picker is broken. This is no doubt from the abusive background, but you can overcome it. Therapy could probably help, but the main thing is, don’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t control their emotions. Best wishes, bee.

Post # 8
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

^^^ exactly this.  As well as; if you grew up in an abusive home, you likely still carry trauma that warps your understanding of what a  ‘good relationship’ looks like. 
Anyone who has a complete inability to control his emotions and who cant get along with anyone but you, is likely to become an abuser.  That is just my opinion. 
Please tread carefully and possibly seek some counselling if this keeps ‘happening’ to you because you are likely subconsciously attracting this type of dynamic.

Post # 9
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

THIS! Bee read this again and again until it sinks in crustyoldbee :  

Post # 10
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

Wake up and smell the asshole, bee.

He’s not even trying to hide his blatant temper problems from the public, let alone you. He has always been like this, bee, and you completely overlooked it. 

You are out of your mind if you think a relationship with a man who is emotionally volatile is in any way “blissful.” Your picker is jacked.

He will eventually get fired from his job. Most workplaces will not tolerate emotional outbursts and insubordination on the reg. And neither should you.

Eventually, he will become abusive toward you. Is that what you want? Does that sound “blissful” to you? Wake up and see this guy for exactly what he is- an emotionally unstable asshole. 

Leave him

Post # 11
Member
7843 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

A lot of people have one person they just don’t get along with. But if he has multiple people, most people in his life- then the problem is him. He is the common denominator. I have no idea why you’d want to be with someone like that. You deserve better. It’s only a matter of time before he fully turns on you too.

Post # 12
Member
4316 posts
Honey bee

You come from an abusive home so a lot of things that would strike someone else as a problem you let slide and possibly don’t even  notice. That’s understandable and it’s why you keep winding up with sub-par guys. Someone can’t control his temper and has outbursts at work is going to have outbursts at home as well. Count on it. Maybe with you or maybe with your future kids, or maybe someone else’s kids that are over at your house to play. This is how it starts, insidiously, slowly. You’ve seen the changes start, don’t stick around for then to get even worse 

That 5% is a killer. 

Post # 13
Member
4982 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

At least its only been a year! It’s great that you’re noticing a pattern and it’s time to break the pattern. Would you try professional help?

Post # 14
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee

Do you not see how contradictory you are in your post?

You claim this is a warm and loving person who for an entire year never acted out against you.  But you also claim that literally everyone else has troubles with him, he has outbursts at work, and you claim he “cannot control his temper”.

Don’t you see how those two things contradict?

It means either…

1.  You’re just a bright shiny unicorn who has magical properties and can make someone who is otherwise completely unable to control themselves find the magical power within to stop when they are around you, but your powers have a short lifespan and you’ve made them turn against you, or 

2.  They can control themselves since they did it around you and they chose to treat other people like shit everywhere else…which basically just makes them an asshole and you ignored it as long as it wasn’t directly affecting you.  You know, that is until they chose to no longer control themselves around you because they already suckered you in so there’s no point in being nice anymore and they don’t care.  Maybe he sometimes can’t control how he feels, but he absolutely can control how he acts on those feelings and he’s shown he’s capable of controlling it if it suits him but is just fine treating people like shit if it’s just too much damn work to have to care about anyone else but himself.  

I promise you, you aren’t a unicorn.  He didn’t turn into an asshole – he’s always been one, and you ignored it or excused it.

PP is right – you pick assholes.  Probably because it’s all you know.  People tend to perpetuate abusive cycles because it’s familiar and/or they don’t know otherwise.  And it likely boosts your ego and you feel like you have the ability to make people change when they start out nice to you when they are assholes to everyone else.  Abusers are often very nice at first otherwise they wouldn’t be able to get people be with them – would you be with this guy if he acted like the asshike he is to you day one?  Would he have gotten hired in the first place if he acted like an asshole and had a tempter tantrum at the interview?

It’s nice that you’re starting to recognize the pattern, but you’re attributing the problem to the wrong cause.  If you’re not already in therapy, PP’s suggestion is a good one to explore how growing up in the home you did affected you, for example allowing you to ignore/not see things that are obvious red flags but were likely normalized for you.

Post # 15
Member
797 posts
Busy bee

shandigray :  

I grew up in a home where both my parents had terrible tempers, and this did turn abusive at times, so I feel I can offer some insight. Lo and behold, I chose to be in relationships with three different guys who had bad tempers until I realised what was going on. 

If you grew up in a volatile, angry home as a child, you have developed coping mechanisms which will just automatically kick in when you meet someone else who has a temper. It will be unconscious, you won’t even realise you’re doing it, and you will be normalising behaviour which you should otherwise recognise is unhealthy and stay away from. You will also most likely internalise that person’s behaviour and blame yourself in some way (I notice in your post you said you find yourself asking what is wrong with you).

You need to ask yourself what these coping mechanisms are that are allowing you to overlook the fact that this man has a terrible temper, and also what thought processes are allowing you to blame yourself. A professional may be able to help you with this. Recognising and undoing these habits from the past will be what allows you to break this pattern.

The second thing that I wanted to point out is that, like other PPs have mentioned, you must look at the totality of who the person is, not just zero in on how they are with you at the beginning of the relationship. First of all, nearly every man on the planet will be on his best behaviour and treat you fantastically at the beginning of a relationship if you are a woman he is interested in. They do this for several reasons, but you need to recognise it and not be completely taken in by it. The true nature of the person takes longer to reveal.

Second of all, we get hooked into this self-affirming belief that if a person is a douche to other people but lovely to us, it must be because we are so special and because of his great love for us. It boosts our ego to believe this. Whilst it may well be true that you are special and that he does love you, he may be able to treat you well for a while, but how he treats other people will eventually come out in his interactions with you. This is not something you’ve done – it’s how he is as a person. Being rude and nitpicking – this will escalate to controlling behaviour and angry outbursts.

I dated a guy once whom an acquaintance of mine had dated a few years earlier. All I had heard was that their relationship had ended badly and that she had a very poor opinion of him and wouldn’t talk to him, even though we were all part of the same social circle. This guy also seemed to have very few friends and did not seem to be well-liked. I dated him and he was besotted with me. Treated me like a princess and was all over me. Was an absolute gentleman. There were little signs of temper and controlling behaviour but they were very little, and I brushed them under the rug. A few months in and he had three separate rage fits at me over absolutely nothing which culminated in him throwing hot chocolate in my face. Obviously I left him and blocked him at that point, and I subsequently heard from my acquaintance who dated him that he was jealous and angry when she was with him and used to make her cry all the time.

If in doubt about whether or not to stay with him, my suggestion would be to contact an ex-girlfriend of his if you can and see if he took out his temper on her. In my opinion, that will be a sure sign of the way your relationship will probably go.

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