There's a bad shift happening in my relationship

posted 5 months ago in Emotional
Post # 17
7751 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So he isnt “always getting in trouble for angry outbursts at work”? It’s not true that everyone besides you finds him “extremely tricky” to deal with?  shandigray :  

Post # 18
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

This is the most sad of all bee. You know he is awful and now that people are confirming that and encouraging you to cut him loose and work on yourself, suddenly your trying to tell us he isn’t that bad? 

Cut the bullshit. We all know he is exactly as you first described him and most likely even worse than that. You can lie to yourself but we aren’t buying it. 

If your choosing to stick with this guy than you are 100% in a situation of your own making. I think I can speak for all of us when I say, I really really hope that your inability to cut him off now does not result in a very very unpleasant and hard lesson to learn down the road. A lesson that would have been much more pleasant If you cut him out now rather than waiting for this to escalate. Good luck bee. shandigray :  

Post # 19
794 posts
Busy bee

shandigray :  

I think providing context would be very helpful in giving you the correct advice.

Can you provide examples of things that he has done in your relationship which have caused you to be concerned in the first place?

I notice that neither your original post nor your update provide these.

You also refer to “a bad shift.” What is this bad shift?

Post # 20
37 posts

“From the get go, I have known he had a temper and a complete inability to control his emotions.”

That should have been the first and only red flag. You should have said thanks but no thanks and walked away.

You have a very similar way of speaking as a friend of mine. She wonders why all her relationships end in the same way and to literally everybody else, it’s blindingly obvious.

She has a saviour complex. She goes for men she knows have emotional and anger problems but because they seem sweet to her, she thinks they just need a little love in their life to help them grow.

Not once, in the history of time, has that ever been the case for anyone. Ever.

Don’t go for people that have anger and emotional issues. You seem blind to their problems and it will always end like this for you.

Go for stable people that that are kind to you, get along with your friends, don’t have major problems with outbursts at work and don’t require “explaining” to other people for them to see their good side. 

People that tend to be argumentative and rub people the wrong way aren’t constantly being mischaracterised by every person that meets them that has no agenda in seeing them as problematic. At some point you’ve got to realise that if almost everyone else thinks he’s problematic…he’s not that great.

Post # 21
12291 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

shandigray :  If even a little bit of you’ve said is true, then you are seriously underreacting. 

At the dating stage, any red flag at all is your cue to move on. In truth, if he’s displaying unacceptably bad behavior toward you or others, even once, that should be ringing all your alarm bells. Anyone can seem great when things are fun and easy. The only reason you haven’t seen this behavior aimed at you before is you were still in the honeymoon stage. The “shift” was totally predictable and will only get worse.

Make no mistake, he’s showing you what he’s really like. 

Post # 22
1258 posts
Bumble bee

shandigray :  you are in complete denial. I stand by my first  post. 

This is on you now if you stay.

Post # 23
1754 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

shandigray :  I know you dont want to hear it, but here goes anyway:

Before I met my now-husband, I met a really interesting, attentive and attractive man. While talking quite often the subject of his job came up and there were always stories about how he was the boss, and some people didn’t respect his authority, but he would “show them” who was boss. (He would then tell about how he “punished” colleagues and subordinates as retaliation for perceived slights) At first, I thought he was just bragging. But then I realized he was testing me. Would I accept someone who (though not yet directed at me) was not kind or patient with others? To me, he was amazing, to others, not so much. He wanted to know right away if I would tolerate, protest or otherwise be averse to being with someone who, (at very the least) had aggressive tendencies. Would I allow it, explain it away and accept it?

I come from a childhood of abuse and neglect. The Shesaidyes of 20 years ago may have felt flattered that he was kind to me (“I am so special and worthy, that’s why he’s so amazing to me. Finally someone who values me!”) That I would get to see the wonderful parts of him, that he didn’t share with others. 

But because I have worked on my people radar through a lot of therapy, hard times and self reflection I was able to see, recognize and feel deeply uncomfortable about the way he treated others. Yeah, it took me a moment of being confused and then understanding my discomfort but I was indeed able to understand: this person is not a good person. I am not special to him, he is looking for someone easily manipulated. That’s all. 

I hope you find the strength to see the red flags and take care of yourself. 

Best of luck!

Post # 25
8555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So you were upset and angry and wrote a post full of untrue things? He doesn’t lose jobs because of outbursts? He is able to control his emotions? He is not tricky to get on with for most people?

If that is so, it was, l think, an irresponsible thing to do and most unfair to those pps who carefully responded, often out of their own painful experience.

lf it is not so, then what you are doing is panicking about the revealed reality of this relationship and running madly into denial and willful self delusion.  


shandigray :  

Post # 27
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

shandigray :  so he’s apologised for his behaviour that was directed at you, promised it won’t happen again, made you feel special, told you how wonderful you are, what a calming influence on him you are, that you take away the stress of his life and make him a better person, he’s so very sorry and never meant to direct that at you, he really didn’t, he sometimes just gets so caught up, it’s just been a long week and you had been asking all those questions/winding him up/not listening to him, but it honestly won’t happen again, he’s promised.

It will happen again. And again. And again. And again. You’ve just completed your first abuse cycle. It’ll be peachy for a while again but his anger and resentment towards you will come back.

Good luck Bee, I think you’ll need it.

Post # 28
12291 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“From the get go, I have known he had a temper and a complete inability to control his emotions”

That’s all you anyone needs to know to say you are only fooling yourself. 

Post # 29
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

shandigray :  You don’t have to settle. You’re worth it. You’re worth a wonderful relationship, with a good guy, who can be a responsible adult at work, and not get in trouble for losing his temper (which is juvenile and immature, and should never be accepted by you or anyone else). 

Until you realize that you’re worth it, and stop settling for crap, and letting yourself suck it up and endure it until it reaches a level that even you call crappy, you will never be happy. Stop wasting your time. 

I recommend counseling to see why you feel you aren’t worth it (likely due to your abusive father), and being single while you learn to want better for yourself. 

I can understand some of what you’re feeling. My father was also not a good father growing up. I reacted differently and was so scared of men and their tempers that I closed myself off to love, terrified I’d continue the cycle and end up with someone like my father. You’ve responded in the opposite way and date men undeserving of you. 

I was able to put my past aside and am now happily married to a man who knows how to control himself, who is an adult, never gets in trouble at work, and has never turned a temper or rage on me. You deserve that too. 

Post # 30
4602 posts
Honey bee

My asshole wasn’t physically abusive either. He was just very temperamental and had trouble getting along with other people and would take his anger out at work and on everyone else except me and his cats. I mean how could somebody who likes animals be a horrible person? He also gave to charity and cared about the environment.

He also never got fired from his job either. In fact he’s been working the same low paying entry-level job for the last 20 years, the exact same job he had when we broke up 13 years ago. And it’s not because he never applied for promotions. He’s applied for plenty of promotions. But it turns out when you’re an argumentative divisive asshole who acts unprofessionally at work and have no soft skills to speak of, for some reason you get passed over for higher-level positions with more responsibility and more pay.

And oh did it make me feel good and boost my ego when our common acquaintances would comment that he seemed like he was a different person with me and I made him nicer. Because look at me – I can change people! I’m so magical and Powerful!

I don’t even know what he got angry about the first time. But I quickly learned I wasn’t special after all. He absolutely would be an asshole with me too. He absolutely would turn on me too eventually . And he did . And I was brain-dead enough and had low self-esteem enough after the first time he took his anger out on me to think that I had the perfect solution – I would just walk on eggshells and make sure that he was never upset and that he knew I worshiped him. Then he wouldn’t yell at me or make snarky comments to me or give me the silent treatment. All except for the part where I was now constantly walking on eggshells and anxious and still thinking this must be What happiness looks like because he wasn’t snarky to me or yelling at me or giving me the silent treatment. Oh, until the day he really turned on me. Which was the day he was going for a promotion for the third time that year, and even though I told him that he certainly was smart enough and capable enough, I also had the nerve to tell him that maybe he needs to tone things down and have a softer approach in the interview. Well how dare I be the b**** who tells him how to act or point out how he sabotages himself. And that was the end of our relationship. And I would really love to say it’s because I had the self-esteem to realize that just because he was mostly nice to me 99.5% of the time didn’t mean he wasn’t an asshole and that I thought I deserved better. Oh no, I was pathetic and groveled for weeks trying to walk back my comments and get him to talk to me. But luckily for me it turns out that the kind of people who are selfish immature assholes who treat other people like s***, also tend to be petty little b****** who keep grudges and eventually I walked away in defeat realizing I really really wasn’t that special anymore. And it was the best damn thing that ever happened to me because I finally worked on my self-esteem issues and discovered nice guys who are nice all the time to everyone. And my life is so much better for it.

So good luck for when you finally figure out you’re not that special. Assholes are assholes. It’s not conditional and you’re not Magic.

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