There's a bad shift happening in my relationship

posted 2 months ago in Emotional
Post # 31
669 posts
Busy bee

shandigray :  

I’m not going to discount the possibility that maybe some PPs were jumping to worst case scenario, but that’s because your posts were extremely vague about his treatment of you. What exactly did he do that caused you to be concerned?

Some of us are speaking from hard experience. A jerk is a nice guy 80% of the time, as the saying goes.

It’s very easy to overlook horrible, mean treatment the first couple of times it happens because the rest of the relationship is usually wonderful. I’m not remotely saying that your relationship will turn into a lifetime movie, but just don’t put the blinders on – see this guy for who he truly is and don’t romanticise him.

Post # 33
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

shandigray :  

The bringing flowers to your work sounds lovely; but, it also sets the red lights blinking.  He does this every week?

That’s certainly one way to brand you as taken while getting in some good image management at the same time.

This is precisely the kind of thing that causes people to disbelieve you if and when his mask slips.

I am not going to label your SO an abuser right now, I don’t remember the details of your OP. What I will tell you is that abusers are often wonderful partners 95-99% of the time.  Victims stay hooked in following an abusive episode because of that 95-99%.  They mistakenly believe that’s the real guy and this time he’ll return for good.

Bee, everything you said in your last post is virtually identical to posts we have read here dozens, if not hundreds of times.  

Post # 34
99 posts
Worker bee

In literally the first line of your OP you write that you are “confused and exhausted”….call me crazy, but I doubt I’d feel confused and exhausted if my partner was actually as wonderful as you’re now telling us this guy is. 

Post # 35
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

shandigray :  my dad was how you have described your partner. He bragged about how great his family was, he had a good looking wife, smart daughter and sporty son. He bought my mum flowers often and gave her extravagant gifts. None of that he did without wanting it shouted about how generous/good/caring/kind etc he was. Yet alone he called my mum ugly, me stupid and my brother lazy. 

You’re getting advice based on how you’ve written that you’re feeling and it sends off alarm bells from those of us who have seen and experienced abuse. 

Everyone loved my dad, he was charming and charismatic. He could be the most generous and kind person in the world until he wasn’t. People also chose to ignore his abuse because it didn’t match their image of him. But he was both the abuser and the loving person. He was really messed up. But it doesn’t excuse his abuse. 

Please heed the warnings on here and if you won’t leave him just now, make sure you have an escape plan for if you ever did want to leave.

Don’t look just for the good in your partner, look at the whole and don’t doubt or minimise any concerns you have. Be safe.


Post # 36
669 posts
Busy bee

shandigray :  

Yeah, he’s wonderful – we get it.

But you’ve yet to provide one single, solitary example of his behaviour towards you that caused you to be concerned.

Post # 37
1639 posts
Bumble bee

shandigray :  he might not be abusive, but I’m sort of confused at your list of what makes him great (other than laughing)…he says nice things to you and you go on dates and gives you gifts, those are very basic things. If you have a history of bad relationships, I would put some time into thinking about whether your standards are too low. 

Post # 38
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You still are refusing to answer anyone’s questions. That right there tells us you are avoiding answering them because you know they aren’t good. You had a moment of realization that he is awful which is why you posted, but couldn’t hold onto it and are now backpedaling. You aren’t ready to admit he really is that bad. Which is fine. It’s your life. Sometimes you just aren’t ready to end something until it’s suuper bad. 

And it’s totally ok to admit that. I’m sure you love him and so you aren’t ready to face who he actually is. Just say that. But don’t insult our intelligence by trying to convince us he is some amazing dude because he brings you flowers and makes you laugh. Seriously? That’s the best you can do? 

If I had to describe my fiancé it wouldn’t be surface bullshit like you listed. It would be that he is great because he is incredibly kind and generous to everyone around him, that he is a hard worker who is proud of the career he has built and he never calls out sick and is dependable and gets regular promotions based on his hard work, who calls his grandparents every week to say hi to them. He is great because he is gentle with my feelings, he respects me, he surprises me by doing my portion of the chores on days he sees I am stressed. He has many close friendships that I know take time and dedication to maintain, and his coworkers, friends, and family all have told me how great he is. I’ve never heard anyone say a mean word about him. When I get my migraines he cares for me like my own mom would. 

Now that is a list that has some substance. I’m sure other bees could provide their lists that are also more meaningful. 

Post # 39
987 posts
Busy bee

shandigray : 

The only person you are fooling here is yourself.

You posted on here, frustrated and exhausted from dealing with your boyfriend’s temper problems that you have been aware of since day one and acting like he is suddenly behaving differently. There were tons of red flags in your post regarding his behavior that sound a lot like precursors to abuse and you even admitted you don’t have the best judgment because of your history of being abused and falling into a pattern of dating abusive men.

Now that pps have pointed these things out, you are majorly backpedaling all of a sudden because you don’t like the advice you’ve gotten. 

And now you’re gaslighting yourself, making excuses for him and claiming that he’s not that bad, I was exaggerating, ect. That the conclusion we all unanimously came to is “a leap” even though one could argue that an individual who has a known temper problem who has outbursts in the workplace and is now escalating and having outbursts in his personal life may become abusive in the future. That’s not a leap, that’s logic and common sense. 

So OP-tell me: are you now saying that he doesn’t have a temper problem? That he doesn’t have outbursts at work? That he does not have a bad attitude? Which parts are not true in your OP? And if so, why are you lying to us? What were you trying to get out of this? 

From the get go, I have known he had a temper and a complete inability to control his emotions. This showed itself itself through his job– always getting trouble at work for outbursts. He always had an explanation and he never brought that behavior home with him so I always just let it go. With everyone else, he is a very tricky person to get along with. He just has this tendency to be argumentative and sometimes just rubs people the wrong way. Again, never acted this way towards  me so I let it go.

*RECENTLY, HIS ATTITUDE HAS BEEN CHANGING. He’s becoming nitpicky and sometimes just downright rude.”

What has changed???????????????

He has always been this way, you admit you knew this in the upper paragraph. Why are you confused about his behavior? He has quite consistently been an asshole and now that he thinks he has locked you down, he’s getting comfortable being his true asshole self to you as well. 

Stop making excuses for him. He is an asshole. You are repeating the cycle of dating abusers. WAKE UP

Post # 40
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

shandigray :  Haven’t read the whole thread…Sorry but he is not a fallen angel. He has had these issues that you chose to let go as you mentioned. People like that aren’t different just because you choose to see them a certain way. He is this person and has BEEN this person. I’m always suspicious when posts start out like yours where your spouse is an angel and so perfect but then we get to the real part where he’s actually not. If all your relationships end up like this it’s probably a sign that you’re picking this type of guy. Maybe seek some counseling for your past trauma before you continue the cycle. Also, it’s only been a year. You don’t know all of what is possible to come with this guy and his temper. Give yourself a chance to find a healthy relationship without having to look past obvious detrimental flaws. Actions prove who someone is. Stop ignoring that. 

Post # 41
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

shandigray :  ha yeah right.  Bull shit. 

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