(Closed) There's No Budget Issue, You're Just Not Invited…

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Overjoyed:  Would you rather she direct them to you?  That’s a hard situation, I feel for you!!  I’d just tell her to not say that and if she’s uncomfortable, direct them to talk to you!  (Which they won’t)

Post # 4
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

She’s probably just looking for the most diplomatic way of explaining it, and didn’t even think of the reasons you might not it described that way. I would just tell her your rationale, and ask that she not give people the “keeping the costs down” shpiel. You could always tell her you’re worried some people may offer to pay their own way, and don’t want to cause drama, if you need a way to approach it (and people might, in fact, do so, which is why budget should be left out of it, even if it is an issue!).

Post # 5
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Could you have your mom instead say you guys are having an intimate wedding with immediate family and close friends only? Or do you think that would cause more problems?

Post # 6
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Definitely have a little chat with her and tell her to tell those who ask that you have chosen to have a private ceremony. I don’t think it’ll hurt to say you are having a private ceremony and leave it at that. However, I feel bad for your mom if she has to deal with people that are upset about not being invited. I definitely wouldn’t say, its just because we don’t want you there or anything like that but that you and your Fiance would just like something small and intimate.

Post # 8
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would have your mother direct any inquiries to you, but if she has to say something, I’d tell her to say the venue that you’ve chosen has limited space. That way if people happen to see nice pictures they’re not resentful that they weren’t invited.

Post # 9
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

She wants to prevent these people from feeling hurt by not being invited. The only way to do so is to cite budget limitations. 

Telling people the truth will only result in hurt feelings and cause problems between yourself and these relatives.

Post # 13
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Im kind of annoyed that people will actually ask “why was I not invited?” or some other version of that question. People really do that? thats rather bold imo. I would never dream of asking someone why i was not invited to their wedding. Its just awkward, and rude. But since they are I would suggest your mom just say “ya know they have decided that a large wedding is not what they envision for their day so they are keeping the wedding private.” if she can’t say that, she shouldnt say anything at all and should direct them to you. Or simply say “i don’t know.” I totally agree with you that saying money is tight for you guys (true or not) is putting more of your business out there than is necessary.  

Post # 14
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@stardustintheeyes:  I was assuming people were just asking the mom about details of the wedding, and she felt the need to point out that they weren’t invited & give reasons to avoid future awkwardness. I could be wrong, though, some people on here have mentioned that random people asked them this, but most of the time it’s just people misguidingly assuming they are invited (because most weddings include cousins, for example), and then people being in the awkward position of informing them they’re not.

Post # 16
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Overjoyed:  I SO appreciate your comments!! My mom has 8 brothers and sisters and her mom has 13 brothers and sisters. I have a HUGE family, but I cannot invite them all. Our max number is 150 for our formal, black tie wedding and reception. I recognize that it’s obvious we’re spending a pretty penny and we could technically afford to have more folks there, but we had to draw the line somewhere. My parents have tried to tell me family is most important and they MUST be invited first. But I flat out told them, I have many friends who have been there for me more than family, and I’m not bumping them because of blood relation. Mom gives me the “just invite them, they won’t come” line, but that is a LIE. These folks will ALL show up because it’s like a reunion for them. Sorry mom, some of your brothers and sisters aren’t going to get an invite. Shrug.

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