(Closed) They’re bridesmaids, NOT slaves! (Verrrrry long)

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 92
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@UpstateCait: I can agree with what you said about “it’s those who expect their ‘maids to jump through hoops and be at their every beck and call that need a reality check,” but it doesn’t seem that that is the general consensus of this thread. It’s great that many brides on this board (and specifically this thread) are very self-sufficient and able to prepare for their wedding solo, but some responses have not been supportive. MrsTrigger was attacked for her vision because it required more from her BMs than standing there, but in her group, it wasn’t considered by her girls to be ‘jumping through hoops’ so she does not need a reality check or attacked. I do think that agreeing to be a bridesmaid means you agree to help the bride if she asks, even if it’s not your thing. That’s why if you don’t want to help, you should decline. If being a bridesmaid was just about standing up front, it wouldn’t have any honor attached to it. I expect more from my girls than just showing up on the big day in the dress they’re supposed to wear, because they agreed (when they said yes to being BMs) to be there for me when I need it.

@secondchances: agree

Post # 93
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Love this thread – I’ve been in 3 weddings and was lucky enough to have very easy-going brides who, in all honesty, didn’t even really ask for my opinion on much let along request a million crazy things for me to do. Let’s face it, being a bridesmaid is a blast – but it’s also expensive, time consuming, and sometimes a little annoying and I want to keep that in mind with my girls. I’m already irritating enough (I’m a talker and an over-thinker, even friends NOT in my party will probably wring my neck if I bring up ‘our colors’ one more time), so I’m going to be very careful not to get much worse. As long as my girls get their dresses on time, show up, and look pretty…I’ll be 110% satisfied.

With that being said – being in somebody’s wedding IS an honor, and if you do say ‘Yes’ then you should be prepared to at least be a participant in wedding planning. Do I expect my girls to sit on the phone with me for hours listening to my ideas? No. Do I hope that some of them will roll their eyes, but deal with it anyways? Of course.

Post # 95
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sing it!!!! Oh I sooo agree with you!… Thankfully I’ve only been a bridesmaid once and it was fine, but the stories I’ve read here! It’s CRAZY!!! I’m so glad I’m a level headed bride, why would you want to put your “friends” in your wedding party just to abuse, belittle, and humiliate them? I don’t get bridezillas…

Post # 96
9811 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@UpstateCait: I agree with pretty much all you said, I don’t plan on asking much of my bridesmaids at all, I will be asking more of my Fiance. I am more worried about one of them taking over than wanting to make them do things they don’t want to.

However, something you said was contradictory, if you’re not getting them to do anything, how is it that “They’ve done so much for you over the last few months”? for the gift section. I do want to get my bridesmaids something awesome when the time comes though so I think I would select something different for each, depending on their individual personalities.

Post # 97
10713 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

My bridesmaids aren’t helping me do a single thing… it actually kinda hurts a little but oh well. They just have to buy the dress I picked for them and show up. That’s all I require. =) My girls are between the size 2 to size 22 range actually and they will all be in the same dress because it was already a struggle to get them interested in finding a dress and following guidelines. It was much easier to say here- this is lovely I think it’ll work for each of you it’s $98 buy it by this date and let me know if you need shoes. I bought them jewelry and cheap after Christmas sale gift baskets (tinnny budget). I also am not asking a ton from them though. I told them I would do their hair and makeup if they like but I won’t ask them to get it done. I might not be the best bride to her bridesmaids but they haven’t been the best maids to me either. I’m trying my best with everything.

Post # 98
5 posts

Please add: Buy an equitte book and read it BEFORE you start planning your wedding.


Someone stated a mother made the BM’s throw and pay for a shower……WOW!  Clearly that mother needs to read the equitte book as well. 

All the BM’s owe the bride is to show up the day of and stand for you.  

Also a bride can have all the *expectations* she wants: you want showers, bachelorette parties, dinner rehearsals?…. well you wait to have them offered to you and you gladly accept.  ***YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO THESE EVENTS.***  And if you are offered them, you don’t micro-mange them, these are the most important, special people in your lives after all.  They are more than capable of throwing you a lovely affair. 

You want all *formal* hair and make-up….you pony up the $$!

You want brand name shoes…you pony up the $$!

You want brand name jewerly….you pony up the $$!


Post # 99
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am having one bridesmaid only.  No Maid/Matron of Honor or any other attendants, just the one bridesmaid.  The chicky in question is my best friend who I have known since grade 2 and she now lives about 5 hours away from me.

I chose to only have one as I will be paying for her dress, she will get her hair and makeup done with me.  I am letting her chose her dress and the colour she wears, although I have to stick to a budget, and she knows that.

I am not having a shower, or engagement party or rehearsal dinner.  Those things are almost unheard of around her anyway.  And if I was having these things, I would not expect her to contribute cash as she has her own family and mortgage to take care of.  I feel lucky that she is making the trip to be with me for the day.

She listens to me talk about wedding stuff, I bounce ideas off of her, and she is happy to listen.  (And I suspect that yes, maybe she does fake it 🙂 )

I do not expect her to help me with my DIY projects, but I do prattle on about them and post pics to FB for her comments.

I have every intention of making sure she is well fed on the day.  Plus I am inviting her parents so that her lovely girls can attend, and she wont have to fret about them.

I love my lovely bridesmaid, she had been there through so many events in my life.  And I don’t want to add the stress of my wedding to everything else she already has on her plate.  That said, I know if I really needed her, she would be there no question!

Post # 100
811 posts
Busy bee

@UpstateCait: Madame you are the voice of reason in a crazy world, I tip my hat to you(although I’ll still watch Bridezilla for the dramam lol)

Post # 101
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am MOST LIKELY only having a Maid/Matron of Honor and one bridesmaid. I plan on budgeting their dresses, shoes, and hair and makeup into my wedding budget. Honestly, I think that if you really want people to stand next to you for YOUR wedding, they shoupunt have to shell out any more than a hundred bucks or so.

Post # 103
9811 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@dodgercpkl:  i think they have to try on dresses first to make sure they fit and look good, not just show up on the day after buying a dress they haven’t tried on. and they need to support the bride, not necessarily get into all the planning but be there for her emotionally

Post # 104
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This is a great guide, and really helpful. I am currently in a wedding with a super super relaxed bride (a BFF), but sometimes her lack of planning can be a little tough, so I would recommend while trying to be agreeable, being communicative and making decisions. She originally wanted all our dresses in a range of colors, and ombre, if you will. She said if we got ours early, the rest of the girls would have to fill in (there are seven of us, we’re all bffs). I got mine early, but the rest of the girls all ended up getting the same one color. Now mine stands out. The bride doesn’t want me to have to incur any more costs and buy another dress, she’s like, ‘yeah, it’s a different color, but it’ll be fine!’ But I don’t want to stand out at her wedding, so I’m going to buy another one. 

She also hasn’t told us other things she wants from us like shoes etc, and I hate doing things last minute (DW is two months away), so while she’s relaxed and letting us do what we want (SO great, and I’m very appreciative), her ‘chillness’ and indecisiveness has just been a little frustrating. I don’t like incurring all my wedding costs at once, so I try to spread them out. Other things were tough to plan because of the ‘go with the flow’ attitude, like, flip flopping on dates for showers, etc. 

But overall, she has made it very easy, and I’m super glad for it. 

Post # 105
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Thank you for writing this!  I get so irritated with the brides who think that the bridesmaid’s lives should just stop because they are getting married.  I was actually kicked out of my best friend’s wedding because I couldn’t drive two hours to the next town to buy the bridesmaid dress the same day she demanded I buy it.  This was for a wedding that was still at least 15 months away!  The girl sent me an email saying  I was kicked out of the wedding and then never spoke to me again!

What particularly gets me are the brides who feel like their girls have entered into some sort of contractual agreement, especially in regards to their bodies.  No getting pregnant, lose 10 pounds, do not dye your hair, do not get tattoos, grow your hair out, cut your hair….. it’s absolutely ridiculous. 

The topic ‘They’re bridesmaids, NOT slaves! (Verrrrry long)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors