- 9 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
I’m kind of in the middle on this one, but I don’t really agree with everything the OP said…
When I asked my girls I made a little book of things I promised not to do, and things I expected of them. I think that you pick your best friends to stand up there beside you because you know they will be there for you to help with the DIYs, be there when you pick out a dress, help you make decisions about what the wedding should look like, what they should wear, how the venue should look. They knew going into this that I was going to need help, that’s why I chose them and that’s why they all said yes. I don’t pick my friends to just stand beside me and look pretty, I pick them because we can all count on each other to be there for each other, whether it’s wedding related or not.
On the flip side, I don’t agree with the crazy bridezillas who want everyone to look like mirror images of each other and expect their girls to drop everything when they call. I think there is a happy medium of asking when they are free, making “wedding” dates, while also keeping the non wedding friendship going as well.
I don’t think you are giving your girls enough credit as your friends if you just expect them to show up “clean and sober”. My BMs call me all the time to see how things are going, and if there is anything they can do to help, and I would expect to do the same when it comes time for their special days.
The dress: In theory letting the bm’s pick is wonderful not so much in practise. My first wedding I had a bm drop out b/c the thought of black satin gave her anxiety b/c she is not skinny. Well if you are a 22 nothing will make you look like a 2, I thought choosing the cut and style was enough but no evidently I was wrong. Another bm wanted long sleeves despite my asking for a black satin dress 2 inches below the knee, halter/tank top strap/sttrapless/spaghetti strap ect (bm’s choice), another wanted the dress to be shorter. YOU WILL NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE, no matter how much freedom they are given. So speaking as a former bm, wear the dress the bride picks, don’t complain about not being able to wear it again (I am yet to have a bm dress that I would re-wear evn the nice ones are clearly bm dresses), suck it up you should know being a bm costs money so unless the bride is asking you to pay for a designer gown don’t complain. No I am not a rockafeller I am just aware of what a dress costs.
Accessories: Karma will get you. Unless the bride is asking something outrageous pay for it with a smile, your day will come and the last thing you want is bm’s gripping over your choices giving you stress.
Shoes: You only have to wear them for the ceremony and the pics directly after. If they are not your cup of tea bring flats to change into at the reception. Exception being a bm with a medical condition in that case the bride should understand.
In regards to showers and the like: Throw a shower and bachelorette in your budget (combined all bms should pitch in something and not put it all on one). Bride should be thankful.
Sorry op we see things diffrently, if my nearest and dearest can’t wear a dress/shoes/accessories I picked for 1 day w/o complaining then they are not that near or dear.
Last being a bm use to mean something besides “yay!! I’m so special I get to wear a dress, OMG it better make me look good”. Ofcourse you do not care as much as the bride but your day will come so if you have accepted the offer of being a bm, pick up the phone and ask how you can help. If the bride is organized and has already asked for help with a few things don’t complain! You are a bm at a wedding not a woman at a singles bar. Brides should be gracious and thankful but wardrobe is to be picked by the bride and it is not ridiculous to expect a LITTLE help from your bms. If you can’t afford something talk to the bride in most cases she’ll gladly pay for a portion of your dress or something to ease the financial burden. On the whole if you can’t smile, wear the bm dress chosen for you, be helpful and if you know you can’t afford to buy a dress period perhaps reconsider agreeing to be a bridesmaid in the first place.
No one likes a bridezilla but what is worse is a deadbeat bridesmaid who thinks it is about her and her wants and what flatters her etc etc
Though I agree with the tag line that bridesmaids shouldn’t be slaves, I respectfully disagree with most of this post. Being told that I’m making my bridesmaids “slaves” if I pick out a bridesmaid dress and shoes, ask them to go to a dress fitting with me, and prefer not to go to the local bar down the street for my bachelorette party. It also seems a little funny that you would say “after all they’ve done” they deserve a nice gift….yet your post is about not making them do anything at all–just “show up and look pretty.” Is a bridal shower too over the top as well? Should we also tell the bridesmaids to please not get us a wedding gift? Perhaps asking them to come to the rehearsal is also too cumbersome.
There are plenty of us brides out there that have perfectly reasonable expectations. We do everything we can to accommodate our bridesmaids, keep within their budgets, and treat them will love and respect. But we can’t be asked, as this post suggests, to sacrifice things as important as the vision for our wedding (if a bride wants matching dresses, she is entitled to that IMH). Last time I checked, the wedding day wasn’t about the bridesmaids. They will all have (or have already had) their big day, so what’s so awful about expecting them to help you have yours? If they are such wonderful friends that will be there forever, do you really think they would break off a friendship if you picked a less-than-desirable dress for them? If so, maybe they aren’t a good friend after all. It’s a sad day when brides are told that asking a bridesmaid to wear a nice dress or help with some invitation-stuffing is slave-driving.
I am trying to be the relaxed bride (I think i’m succeeding, I told my Maid/Matron of Honor to let me know if I’m being a bridezilla–and she would and would likely slap me too)
My original thought for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses was buying fabric and each of them getting them made in whatever style they want…then I found out that David’s bridal is opening in Calgary as well (one of my BM’s lives there and the rest of us is in ontario) so I decided to go that route instead…..especially since they coordinate with Moores….
My sister had a fit! She is overweight and the rest of my bridesmaids are my size or smaller…she had found a dress that she liked on their website – apparently in “my colours” (I haven’t seen any fabric yet so I haven’t not chosen the actual colour) and on sale…she had to right then go try it on and buy it….i thought this was a bad idea because the appt is this summer for the bridesmaids and if she buys it now there’s a good chance it won’t match the other ones….
I called the store, asked about my sister’s idea and was told NO it will not work because the colour WILL be different…I asked about their plus sizes and they said they will definitely have something for her….
When I told this to my sister she just yelled and screamed and said she will wear whatever SACK they have for fat people and that if any of my bridesmaids say “do i look fat in this?” she’s walking out….(which i told her is unreasonable and you can’t judge other people’s own insecurities)
I thought letting them choose their own styles and looking a year in advance so they have time to finalize their ideas and know how much things will cost, letting them choose their own shoes, accessories, if they are having their hair and make up done or doing it themselves was going to make life easier…
I also chose david’s bridal because they do have a good selection of plus sized stuff….
Everyone else is fine….
BUT, the major issue which came out was that my wedding is scheduled 3 months before hers….she’s been engaged for two years already….i didn’t even think of her wedding when I set my date…my date was set according to my work schedule…..
anyways, venting done….
So even though I’m trying to so not be a bridezilla and treat my BM’s with respect and great care I’m still getting flack….some people just can’t be pleased
If we were talking about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man then yes it would be safe to assume that you should offer what assistance you can, plan parties if you can and as a friend be there to support the bride when you can but to also understand that you do not need to be disrespected, talked down to, walked over or order around like a slave.
I disagree but respect the OP’s opinion however my first thoughts were 1)how are they different from a guest then? 2) Why bother having them as BMs if we have to bend over backwards to ensure their happiness with everything ?
I have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man and never complained because it was not my wedding. I have worn dresses that imo were tacky but again not my wedding. Rather than act like the bride should bend to my taste I did what a Bridesmaid or Best Man should do wear the dress with a smile. I helped decorate recepion halls. If you think expecting nothing from a bm is fine so be it but don’t use or encourage terms like slave driver and bridezilla in reference to a bride who simply wants to choose the bm’s attire and get a little help.
Have a bee post that she expects her bms to pay for couture dresses, lose or gain weight for her wedding, and dictate elaborate parties she wants the bms to throw and I will agree SHE needs a guide on how to treat bms. The OP seems to be the opposite extreme. I think what I wrote was very middle of the road, indicating what the bride should expect and what the bms should expect given that they have excepted the honour of being a bm.
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