(Closed) They’re bridesmaids, NOT slaves! (Verrrrry long)

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 107
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Bubalou:  I actually got in an argument with a bride and her mom because of the dress! She wanted me to drive an hour and a half just to get measured….I SEW ALL THE TIME. I know my measurements and said I’d call. They began to give me hell for it (mind you by the time I get out of rush hour, the place will have closed). I called my numbers in and the woman had no qualms. I tried being understanding and patient but blew at the micromanagement of the shower. Don’t make the invites too fancy (after I already bought the stuff and she said it was fine), I gave you the list 2 weeks ago WTH HAVENT MY INVITES GONE OUT FOR MY SHOWER 7 WEEKS AWAY!?!? nonstop….That friend I had? She’s gone and won’t even contact me now because I told her to calm down…

Post # 108
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jpalm13:  Oh my gosh! That is ridiculous! Isn’t it terribly sad though? I honesty am still heart broken over it! Especially now that I am getting married. It just seems like such a waste, why do these seemingly normal people turn crazy bridezillas?

Post # 109
Member
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Bubalou:  It is sad. She wanted to wait for her sister to try the dress on and then the shop said if she didn’t order by the end of the week, they wouldn’t be in in time. THEN she tried saying I was the reason she was waiting! I was like um no, all I said was that I’d like to try it on if it came in time- YOU said you wanted your sister to try it because she’s still carrying babyweight and super self concious! She’s always been a perfection freak on the tiniest things. I shoulda known this would be hellish. But its my friend right?? There’s way too much drama for me in this.

Post # 110
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m kind of in the middle on this one, but I don’t really agree with everything the OP said… 

When I asked my girls I made a little book of things I promised not to do, and things I expected of them. I think that you pick your best friends to stand up there beside you because you know they will be there for you to help with the DIYs, be there when you pick out a dress, help you make decisions about what the wedding should look like, what they should wear, how the venue should look.  They knew going into this that I was going to need help, that’s why I chose them and that’s why they all said yes.  I don’t pick my friends to just stand beside me and look pretty, I pick them because we can all count on each other to be there for each other, whether it’s wedding related or not. 

On the flip side, I don’t agree with the crazy bridezillas who want everyone to look like mirror images of each other and expect their girls to drop everything when they call.  I think there is a happy medium of asking when they are free, making “wedding” dates, while also keeping the non wedding friendship going as well.

I don’t think you are giving your girls enough credit as your friends if you just expect them to show up “clean and sober”. My BMs call me all the time to see how things are going, and if there is anything they can do to help, and I would expect to do the same when it comes time for their special days. 

Post # 111
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@UpstateCait:  I get migraines easily.  I had been doing everything that the matron of honor was suppose.  I asked very kindly if we could get food after the ceremony.  This was an hordever only wedding (not a good selection).  The wedding party did not get to eat a meal, I and other bridesmaids were crabby.  I figured since I busted my butt to help her out, the least the bride could do fufill one request.  Ugh!

Post # 112
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@KT808:  I have to agree with you. If we are going with the whole “nearest and dearest” mentality then why is the bride the only one held to standards? I am not condoning bridezillas but has anyone seen those Bridesmaid or Best Man shows? Bridesmaids flat out saying “I’m NOT wearing that!” “It’s ugly!”….give me a break. My opinion:

 

The dress: In theory letting the bm’s pick is wonderful not so much in practise. My first wedding I had a bm drop out b/c the thought of black satin gave her anxiety b/c she is not skinny. Well if you are a 22 nothing will make you look like a 2, I thought choosing the cut and style was enough but no evidently I was wrong. Another bm wanted long sleeves despite my asking for a black satin dress 2 inches below the knee, halter/tank top strap/sttrapless/spaghetti strap ect (bm’s choice), another wanted the dress to be shorter. YOU WILL NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE, no matter how much freedom they are given. So speaking as a former bm, wear the dress the bride picks, don’t complain about not being able to wear it again (I am yet to have a bm dress that I would re-wear evn the nice ones are clearly bm dresses), suck it up you should know being a bm costs money so unless the bride is asking you to pay for a designer gown don’t complain. No I am not a rockafeller I am just aware of what a dress costs.

 

Accessories: Karma will get you. Unless the bride is asking something outrageous pay for it with a smile, your day will come and the last thing you want is bm’s gripping over your choices giving you stress.

 

Shoes: You only have to wear them for the ceremony and the pics directly after. If they are not your cup of tea bring flats to change into at the reception. Exception being a bm with a medical condition in that case the bride should understand.

 

 

In regards to showers and the like: Throw a shower and bachelorette in your budget (combined all bms should pitch in something and not put it all on one). Bride should be thankful.

 

Sorry op we see things diffrently, if my nearest and dearest can’t wear a dress/shoes/accessories I picked for 1 day w/o complaining then they are not that near or dear.

 

Last being a bm use to mean something besides “yay!! I’m so special I get to wear a dress, OMG it better make me look good”.  Ofcourse you do not  care as much as the bride but your day will come so if you have accepted the offer of being a bm, pick up the phone and ask how you can help. If the bride is organized and has already asked for help with a few things don’t complain! You are a bm at a wedding not a woman at a singles bar. Brides should be gracious and thankful but wardrobe is to be picked by the bride and it is not ridiculous to expect a LITTLE help from your bms. If you can’t afford something talk to the bride in most cases she’ll gladly pay for a portion of your dress or something to ease the financial burden. On the whole if you can’t smile, wear the bm dress chosen for you, be helpful and if you know you can’t afford to buy a dress period perhaps reconsider agreeing to be a bridesmaid in the first place.

No one likes a bridezilla but what is worse is a deadbeat bridesmaid who thinks it is about her and her wants and what flatters her etc etc

Post # 113
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@MrsTrigger:   BRAVO!!! Love and agree with every word of your post which I have re-posted

Though I agree with the tag line that bridesmaids shouldn’t be slaves, I respectfully disagree with most of this post.  Being told that I’m making my bridesmaids “slaves” if I pick out a bridesmaid dress and shoes, ask them to go to a dress fitting with me, and prefer not to go to the local bar down the street for my bachelorette party.  It also seems a little funny that you would say “after all they’ve done” they deserve a nice gift….yet your post is about not making them do anything at all–just “show up and look pretty.”  Is a bridal shower too over the top as well?  Should we also tell the bridesmaids to please not get us a wedding gift?  Perhaps asking them to come to the rehearsal is also too cumbersome.

There are plenty of us brides out there that have perfectly reasonable expectations.  We do everything we can to accommodate our bridesmaids, keep within their budgets, and treat them will love and respect.  But we can’t be asked, as this post suggests, to sacrifice things as important as the vision for our wedding (if a bride wants matching dresses, she is entitled to that IMH).  Last time I checked, the wedding day wasn’t about the bridesmaids.  They will all have (or have already had) their big day, so what’s so awful about expecting them to help you have yours?  If they are such wonderful friends that will be there forever, do you really think they would break off a friendship if you picked a less-than-desirable dress for them?  If so, maybe they aren’t a good friend after all.  It’s a sad day when brides are told that asking a bridesmaid to wear a nice dress or help with some invitation-stuffing is slave-driving.

 

Post # 114
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am trying to be the relaxed bride (I think i’m succeeding, I told my Maid/Matron of Honor to let me know if I’m being a bridezilla–and she would and would likely slap me too)

 

My original thought for Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses was buying fabric and each of them getting them made in whatever style they want…then I found out that David’s bridal is opening in Calgary as well (one of my BM’s lives there and the rest of us is in ontario) so I decided to go that route instead…..especially since they coordinate with Moores….

My sister had a fit!  She is overweight and the rest of my bridesmaids are my size or smaller…she had found a dress that she liked on their website – apparently in “my colours” (I haven’t seen any fabric yet so I haven’t not chosen the actual colour) and on sale…she had to right then go try it on and buy it….i thought this was a bad idea because the appt is this summer for the bridesmaids and if she buys it now there’s a good chance it won’t match the other ones….

I called the store, asked about my sister’s idea and was told NO it will not work because the colour WILL be different…I asked about their plus sizes and they said they will definitely have something for her….

When I told this to my sister she just yelled and screamed and said she will wear whatever SACK they have for fat people and that if any of my bridesmaids say “do i look fat in this?” she’s walking out….(which i told her is unreasonable and you can’t judge other people’s own insecurities)

I thought letting them choose their own styles and looking a year in advance so they have time to finalize their ideas and know how much things will cost, letting them choose their own shoes, accessories, if they are having their hair and make up done or doing it themselves was going to make life easier…

I also chose david’s bridal because they do have a good selection of plus sized stuff….

Everyone else is fine….

BUT, the major issue which came out was that my wedding is scheduled 3 months before hers….she’s been engaged for two years already….i didn’t even think of her wedding when I set my date…my date was set according to my work schedule…..

anyways, venting done….

 

So even though I’m trying to so not be a bridezilla and treat my BM’s with respect and great care I’m still getting flack….some people just can’t be pleased

Post # 115
Member
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@EncoreBridetoBe:  agreed with everything said.

OP: I don’t know how asking them to attend the rehearsal and dress fittings, and wanting some support and help occasionally is treating them like slaves? there are some reasonable brides out there

Post # 117
Member
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@UpstateCait:  sorry just wasn’t very clear in your original post.

Post # 118
Member
9034 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@EncoreBridetoBe:  I disagree with your point. We are talking about brides expectations in this thread not about the etiquette of being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Brides should not expect BM’s to be at their beck and call and need to understand that they have lives and that the brides wedding isn’t their number one priority.

If we were talking about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man then yes it would be safe to assume that you should offer what assistance you can, plan parties if you can and as a friend be there to support the bride when you can but to also understand that you do not need to be disrespected, talked down to, walked over or order around like a slave.

Post # 119
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@j_jaye:  Yes and the bride’s expectations should be (or atleast it is acceptable for them to be) what is expected of a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Now there are exceptions, certainly I don’t expect my college aged sister or sister in highschool to fully get what a Bridesmaid or Best Man is all about. However the OP is basically saying the bride should expect nothing from them which is silly imo. If you want to complain about the dress, shoes, organizing a shower(or whatever) decline being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and just be a guest. I get that it is about bride’s expectations but I will never agree that it is ok to expect nothing more than the BM’s to show up AND be ok with them complaining about the attire. Treat the bms with respect but don’t act like they are just decorative figures who also get to make decisions. Want to pick your own dress, shoes etc and not help with anything period? Be a guest because that is what they do, show up day of in attire they chose.

I disagree but respect the OP’s opinion however my first thoughts were 1)how are they different from a guest then? 2) Why bother having them as BMs if we have to bend over backwards to ensure their happiness with everything ?

I have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man and never complained because it was not my wedding. I have worn dresses that imo were tacky but again not my wedding. Rather than act like the bride should bend to my taste I did what a Bridesmaid or Best Man should do wear the dress with a smile. I helped decorate recepion halls. If you think expecting nothing from a bm is fine so be it but don’t use or encourage terms like slave driver and bridezilla in reference to a bride who simply wants to choose the bm’s attire and get a little help.

 

Have a bee post that she expects her bms to pay for couture dresses, lose or gain weight for her wedding, and dictate elaborate parties she wants the bms to throw and I will agree SHE needs a guide on how to treat bms. The OP seems to be the opposite extreme. I think what I wrote was very middle of the road, indicating what the bride should expect and what the bms should expect given that they have excepted the honour of being a bm.

 

Post # 120
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@j_jaye: I never said disrespect or talk down to nor expect them to be at your beck and call. The OP strongly implied that brides should not only expect nothing but bend to the bms whims. Sorry don’t like the bm dress I will respectfully tell you the choice has been made and IF you ask me to be a bm I will gladly respect your choice in attire.

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