(Closed) They aren't actually getting married

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Oh_No_That_One:  Definitely understand your concerns about the legal area, but I just don’t see that it’s defrauding the government. They are not going to be legally married, so why should they be under those regulations? If they actually signed a legal piece of paper binding each other, and then tried to hide it, that would be another case, but there’s no rule that says they can’t just have a big ‘social’ instead of ‘legal’ wedding and be done with it. 

IDK, once the federal goverment gives EVERYONE the ability to marry the way it should be, maybe I’ll lean more towards their side. 

Post # 48
Member
836 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@mishagirls79:  Okay, I can agree that the parents deserve to know because it’s their money, but all the parents are paying for is the STUFF about a wedding. The dress, the venue, all that. Legal or not, the STUFF is the same. However, because it’s their money, I will agree that they need to know.

The part I’m not understanding (as in truly not understanding, not just an “I don’t understand how you can think that”) is how not making it legal is wrong. If someone could explain this to me in a way that isn’t just a moral objection, I would love to understand, because then I might see it differently. But right now, I just don’t see the wrongness of it.

Post # 49
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@autumnmountainbride:  That’s exactly what I was thinking… I don’t see how this is fraud at all.  It’s not illegal to commit yourself to someone without signing a marriage license.  

Post # 50
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

i don’t think it’s a big deal/anyone’s business really.

Post # 51
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t see the big deal, and like PPs, I don’t really think it’s anyone’s business but the couples.

Post # 52
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Okay, this is not my style, but as another poster said there are couples who live together for decades and never get married.  I don’t think its fraud to do this.  Now, if it were a situation where they wanted to get lots of food stamps, have lots of kids, and claim unwed parent benefits, etc, then I would cry fraud!  But this doesn’t seem to be the case at all. 

My grandmother has been with a man for my entire life, but they aren’t married because they don’t need a piece of paper to tell them they are married.  Like I said, that’s not my style, I want my piece of paper to tack up to the wall and proudly proclaim, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. 

They should tell their parents, but that’s between the parents and the couple.  I would just think of their faux marriage as a celebration of their love and commitment, to be committed doesn’t have to be a legal thing, after all. 

Post # 54
Member
4945 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

IMO, a wedding is a ceremony to declare your lifelong commitment to someone. I don’t even think it makes you any more or less “married” to someone in your head or your heart. It’s just the formal ceremony. For people who are religious, it’s a pretty important step. The paperwork is what makes it legally recognized by the government or not. 

That being said, they should at least tell whoever’s paying.

Post # 55
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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@Oh_No_That_One:  Not only are they trying to defraud the government, but also the guests, and especially the parents who are unknowingly shelling out 10K to pay for a non-wedding.

There are so many issues here – especially ethical and legal – that I would not support their actions by attending this event.

The truth will come to light eventually, and then they will probably wonder if staging this farce was worth it in the first place.

Post # 56
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have friends who had a religious ceremony, though chose not to involve the state in their relationship by getting a marriage licence. I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to judge which marriages are valid, and which are not. There are people who aren’t legally allowed to get married. If they have a ceremony, are you going to try and judge them, too? 

Stay out if it. Maybe you just shouldn’t go if you’re going to be so judgemental. But remember this, there are plenty of people out there who would look at someone’s civil marriage and not see it as a real marriage because it didn’t occur in a church. It’s no one’s palce to judge the validity of someone’s marriage due to a lack of a marriage licence. Again, it’s no one’s business.

Post # 57
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@mishagirls79:  If they never file legal paperwork, it’s not fraud. The only way it’s “wrong” is because you judge it to be so. A marriage without a spiritual connection or love is just a legal contract. A marriage based on without legal paperwork is still a marriage. 

Get over yourselves.

Post # 58
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

As a sworn officer of the court, aren’t you putting your career at risk if you are a witness to this?

Post # 59
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@HeathenSwan:  Please read comment #52 which is written by the bee that wrote this thread on the boards. Also go back over my commetns, before you make a comment of “get over myself”. I never said their marriage would be a lie because they did not “FILE” paperwork and make it legal. If two people love each other and they want to get married, by the “legal” way or by a “love, faith, commitment’ marriage, I give them my blessing, and am very happy for anyone who has found true love and wants to dedicate their loves to on another. They are taking MONEY from their parents, LOTS of money under a lie of “legal” marriage, if they were paying for their wedding themselves I say more power to them, this is not the case.

Post # 60
Member
5117 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you don’t feel comfortable with the situation, politely decline the position and invitation and don’t go. If it’s truly bothering you (understandably), talk with your friend about why you won’t be there. Like you said, it may well be seen as holding out. It’s the same type of reason benefits can be taken from someone or charges brought for claiming single status while living with someone or being all-but-legally married. The not disclosing to their parents is another issue that would bother me as his friend, too. Just think through your decision on going, and talk calmly but candidly with him. 

Post # 61
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@sunitagt:  I agree 100% If he is your friend, don’t leave him out hanging in the dust. He probably really needs that social security disability check and without that may not be able to pay his bills or down to the basics of eating food. You could sit down and chat with the couple and ask them some questions and provide legal advise or find answers they need, so they don’t feel they need to do this. It really sounds as though they really would prefer to be really married. I would help them out, not go behind their backs. Do you really know the person who told you this information? Would they lie to you? What if it is a real wedding? I would really talk with the couple first. Hope this turns out good.

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