(Closed) They aren't actually getting married

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
7522 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@les105:  I kind of agree with you.

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@chickiebee: It is unfair that a lot of people have to survive on minimum wages but the majority do not lie to claim extra benefits they accept it or try to better their situation. That is life. The system is there to help people that need it and the government has divised a system that whilst not perfect helps those that need it. By claiming you are single whilst you are living on a combined income (so disability and the partners paycheck in this case) you are infact defrauding the system. So the extra money that goes to this couple when it shouldn’t may have been used elsewhere to help better the lives of people with disabilities. So in effect those with a disability should be even more upset by this because this couple are taking money away from the collective disability funds.

It is cases like this that perpetuate the stigma around those that claim benefits like disability.

 

 

Post # 108
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would not go.  I’d also report them to the SSA, since this is what’s wrong with the system… gaming the system is despicable and he deserves to lose his payment for trying to defraud the government.

Talk to them, tell them what they’re doing is illegal, and don’t go.  Don’t send a gift, either.  Maybe tell the parents and see what happens..

Ugh, this is disgusting.

Post # 109
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@j_jaye:  I completely agree with you. it isn’t fair that people who truley need the assistance get screwed over because of people who try to work the system. In my case, i contacted my caseworker when i became engaged to ask how it would effect me, and when i go to get my new SS card with my new last name i will obviously be informing them of my new marital status so they can make any appropriate changes. I personally have never hidden the fact that I live with my Fiance. 

My point was that the OP has only heard this information 2nd hand, she does NOT know all the facts. She only knows what she has been told by another person. There are alot of unknown variables here. As another poster stated, her disability was not effected by getting married either. The couple in this case may or may not have their benifit effected by getting married, it depends on alot of different things, like the type of disability they get and the reason. I AGREE that is is wrong to defraud the gov’t. that is NEVER ok and I, in no way shape or form, said I condone it. I only said that the OP has no way of knowing if the parents really are clueless as to whether or not they are shelling out 10K for a sham of a wedding. They could be in on the whole cover up.

Post # 110
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s so hard for able bodied people to put themselves in the disabled’s shoes. This thread just proves it. It’s depressing me now, lol, I’m done with it. 

Anyway, OP, if it bugs you that much, don’t go, but I wouldn’t report them. Do you really want to get THAT involved? I wouldn’t. I’d just leave it alone if you don’t agree with it. Or, I mean, talk to the guy, he’s supposed to be your best friend, right? Maybe you’ll be able to better understand his situation after he explains it to you, and maybe he’ll be able to see your point of view too. I always say communication is key in any relationship, not just romantic ones. Good luck! 

Post # 111
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee

@Bebealways: These people may need disability, but they need to report that they are now married, or living together as a husband and wife partnership…They are lying. That’s the issue here. I have nothing against disability if it’s truly needed, but once you are married, you will lose some money and lose some benefits, that’s the cost of getting married. If you truly do not want to lose anything, don’t get “married” and to hold a “fake” wedding, well that is just a “slap in the face” to everyone who works and pays into the system… 
And by the way, I am cripple, so don’t judge what i say as I am disabled in the eyes of the disability system…. I choose to work instead.
 

Post # 112
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think you want to potentially lose a friendship with your best friend over this. However, yes I would be uncomfortable in the same situation and I feel for you. It’s the fact that the parents don’t know that it’s not a legal marriage that bothers me. I would encourage your friend to come clean with the parents before the wedding…other than that there’s really nothing you can do. Since you commited to being a Bridesmaid or Best Man you should go to the ceremony and fulfill your obligation. After that, if you feel uncomforable at the reception then go ahead and leave.

Post # 113
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

The part the bothers me the most is that they aren’t telling their parents! I mean they are defrauding their own parents who think they will legally be married. If they don’t want to get legally married that’s fine, they can have a commitment ceremony or fake wedding but to lead everyone on, say it’s a wedding, not let their parents in on it that is the part I find the most disgusting, I cannot imagine doing that to my parents ever.

Post # 114
Member
6386 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Seems odd that they wouldn’t contact a family law attorney.  Here’s my take on it, being in love and being married in your hearts is cool, you don’t need a document to validate that.  Defrauding millions of taxpayers, not so cool.

Post # 115
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would like to hear from the OP after reading some of these responces and see what she’s thinking or if she’s made a decision.

I can see many of the bee’s views on this, actually theres three…

1. If this couple’s parents are unaware that they will not be legally married, that’s an out and     out lie and they’re disrespecting them.

2. If this couple is living together as man and wife/a couple and indicating to SSI they are single that’s fraud. If you’re legally married you have an obligation to let social security know.

3. If this couple did not tell their guests that it’s a commitment ceremony and not a wedding, they are duoing their guests and I’d be upset anf felt mis-lead.

I find this situation wrong in so many ways. If people live their lives just under the radar or feeling they’re entitled to benefits without complying by the rules they have a lot of balls and run the chance of getting caught.

Post # 116
Member
1395 posts
Bumble bee

Wait just a freaking minute.  10K “wedding” and the groom is living on Social Security benefits?  Da fuck?!

Post # 117
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Pinksapphire I believe one of their parents is paying for the “wedding” and they also don’t know it’s not legal.

Post # 118
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I say it is really none of your business and if a friend ” sat me down ” to talk to me about my life choices then I’d show them the door. It is not your place to be sitting them down to say anything to them, they are adults and you are not their parents nor should you be playing the Moral Police which is what this sounds like. If you don’t agree with it then don’t go. But don’t think it is your place to tell them what they should and shouldn’t be doing because it isn’t. 

Post # 119
Member
504 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020 - establishment theatre

personally a marriage is not a piece of paper…there are thousands of couples out there who are married in the eyes of them, their families, friends and even their God but not on paper. the paper doesnt make the marriage. and technically they are not commiting fraud, if they were legally married and he didnt claim it then yes it is fraud, and only if their state has a common law marriage clause can he lose any benifits.( I know lots about dealing with SSI and disability), is it really any different than a couple who gets legally married for insurance benifits?  I am sorry you cant just be happy for your friend( your best friend you say). just be there, smile and enjoy the party, leave the private matters just that, private.

Post # 120
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@penguinof3:  As the PP mentioned, it is fraudulent to continue claiming “single” even if they don’t go through with legal marriage. 

“Being legally married or not, they will still face the same adjustment to his SSI.  Their intent is to avoid the adjustment by not being legally married or claiming holding out on the yearly forms he has to fill out.  He will continue to claim being single.”

Post # 121
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

If they’re not having a “real” wedding, they should be honest about it to their guests and their parents.  If they’re having a commitment ceremony, they should just say so.  People have commitment ceremonies, vow renewals, later receptions, etc. all the time, and at least are honest about what it is.  Guests show up anyways because they support the couple.  When you celebrate these events, you’re presumably inviting people you love and care about.  The exact people you shouldn’t be trying to deceive.  It’s pretty sleazy of this couple to have a 10k party and not at least tell their PARENTS what they’re paying for.

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