Post # 1
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
**Note: I’m asking more because I’m curious, not because I 100% plan on bailing and being rude.
**
You can either just vote on the poll, but if you’d like to reply, here is the situation that prompted it:
DH’s college friend has apparently gotten engaged, and is having an engagement party at their place about an hour and a half away. This isn’t someone who we’ve kept in contact with, but they are people that I liked very much “back in the day”.
They sent us an invitation to an engagement party at their new home. Now, the issue, raised by Darling Husband, is that they regularly bail on events held on by other people, to the point of not even RSVP’ing, or cancelling at the last minute. We didn’t have a bunch of parties (even had a joint bachelor/ette) but they didn’t reply or acknowledge the ones that they have been invited to, whether casual or wedding related (birthdays, random “let’s hang out” things, or our recent “check out our new house” party). Well that’s fine, some people just aren’t interested, I’m still excited to be invited to their wedding (which I assume we will be since we were invited to the engagement party). They also bailed on their (the groom & DH’s) college friends’ very elaborate engagement party via text message the day of the event.
Next comes the issue of gifts. This couple did come to our wedding, and Darling Husband tells me they didn’t bring a gift. We’re not *angry* or anything, per say, but I’m wondering how we proceed with the gift giving. Do we show up to all of their events with a bottle of wine and a nice card, do we spend about $50 on their registry/gift card for each event, or *cringe* show up empty handed with a smile (likely not happening!)?
(Please don’t think I’m hurt over the lack of gift. I wouldn’t have noticed if not for Darling Husband pointing it out… and I don’t think he would have if they didn’t regularly bail on events, but it did get me thinking.. what do you spend? We aren’t poor, but not well off (and they are openly fairly wealthy), so it did get me thinking enough to post it on the bee.)
Post # 3
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
I would go to the events I could make it to. I would give a gift to the bride at her bridal shower, if she has one and if I attend, and a gift to the couple at the wedding.
Whether they gave me a gift or not probably wouldn’t play a part in how I choose gifts for them.
Post # 4
Member
9683 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@AnonymousCupcake: I don’t give gifts to get them. Having said that, I also don’t get played for a fool and taken advantage of. It reminds of that question, so what have you done for me lately? We were close years ago and that’s great…but we aren’t anymore. I base decisions on what is relevant in the present and not the past.
If you want me to make an effort and spend money on you and your events, then you need to do the same. Friendship is a two way street. If that’s not the case, I don’t need you in my life.
Post # 5
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
Depends on the reason they didn’t give a gift. Is it because they couldn’t afford it? Or they could and just didn’t want to?
Two of my wedding guests didn’t bring gifts and I couldn’t care less. One is a student and has hardly any money left over after paying for necessities. I wouldn’t have wanted her to spend money at our wedding. When she gets married you can bet I am going to get her a great gift though as she is one of my closest friends.
The other is my stepsister who is a single mother and really down on her luck right now. I didn’t want her spending any money either. Again, I’d definitely buy her a gift if she were to get married.
I don’t tend to keep tally on who got what and spent this amount or that. If they were just being rude thats one thing, but that isn’t always the case. I would however never attend a wedding without at least a card with well wishes in it.
I think in your case the wine and a nice card would be perfect.
Post # 6
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
@MrsPanda99: I agree! While I don’t think people need to “break even” on gifts, I do think the effort should match up.
Post # 7
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
@adoc86: thanks, that is what I was leaning toward as well 🙂
Post # 8
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee
Go to whatever events you want. An engagement party shouldn’t be a place whether you bring a gift beyond a bottle of wine or something else small. If you attend the wedding, give whatever gift you would give to a friend getting married.
Post # 9
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
I wouldn’t bring anything larger than a bottle of wine to the engagement party. I would not attend any bridal showers or bachelorette parties if you’re invited — they obviously didn’t prioritize your relationship enough to attend any of your pre-wedding events.
Honestly, I would probably just let this relationship go. It doesn’t sound like you’re close anymore.
Post # 10
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
I say bring an appropriate gift to any and all events you attend. (Side question: are engagement parties a gifting event though? I thought it was just a “yay we’re engaged, so come celebrate!” kind of thing.) If you decide not to attend a pre-wedding party, there would be no gift. If you normally send a present regardless of wedding attendance, go ahead and do so if you decide not to go then either. Gift giving shouldn’t be a tit for tat situation.
Post # 11
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
SITUATION LIKE THESE ARE CAUSE FOR “RE-GIFTING”! haha, I’d give them the ugly rooster statue or whatever crap someone else gave me 🙂
Post # 12
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
@cmbr: I would let it go, personally, BUT it is DH’s friendship to let go of :-/
Post # 13
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
@HisMoon: I’m not sure about what is expected by way of gifts, Darling Husband and I didn’t have a formal engagement party and we are the first of our friends to get married, so I don’t have much experience with all of it.
Post # 14
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
@AnonymousCupcake: Assuming you want to go to the events, I would bring a bottle of wine or favored beverage.
It can be irratating that people can be so inconsiderate, but if it was people I cared about and wanted to spend time with and enjoy their experience I would just do my normal thing. RSVP, bring a gift to what I am invited to etc.
Hopefully, on their end it was more a matter of not knowing ettiquete and they will figure it out now that they are planning their own wedding, and not make the mistake again.
Post # 15
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
We were recently in this situation. DH’s cousin came to our wedding empty handed. He didn’t even bring a card. When it was time for him to get married about 6 weeks later, we went to their destination wedding. We got them a nice card that we wrote in, and added less money than we would have if they had given us something. I felt like they didn’t think about us very much, so I still gave a gift, but felt like I didn’t need to put in as much effort since they didn’t put in any. I also still haven’t received a thank you note over 3 months later. I think some people just have no idea what’s appropriate. If I were you I would show up to the events you want to go to. I wouldn’t show up empty handed, but I also wouldn’t go out of your way.
Post # 16
Member
12249 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Hahaha, I agree! Bring a gift to the wedding, but either something AWFUL (I’m thinking a huge ceramic rooster statue with no reciept in the box–Marshall’s sells them) or re-gift something you got and hate from your wedding!
