(Closed) They said they would contribute, but won’t say how much?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My Fiances parents were the same way with being vague.  He decided to straight up ask them.  They volunteered to pay for a specific couple of things (limos and bridal shower) so he looked up prices and let them know.  They were like ok! 

I wasn’t there when the conversation was around, seemed ackward.

Post # 4
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I know how that is! They sat us down a few weeks ago and told us to keep saving our money, but that they would “take care of the wedding” and his dad said “we will throw money at it”…ok..uh…what does that mean? I want a number to work with!

Post # 5
Member
1869 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@InATizzy:  My parents are paying for our wedding, but they would never tell me how much they would give us.  It was REALLY annoying!!  I ended up just planning things, and when I decided on something I would just run it by my mom.  It was a terrible way to do it.  I hope they’ll give you an amount soon.  Guessing is no fun!

Post # 6
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OMG, same with my parents…so frustrating. I have asked several times, but they don’t ever give me an answer…so then i feel immensely guilty any time I pick anything. FRUSTRATING! It’s not like I want them to give me a huge number, just any number!!!

Post # 7
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My dad has thrown out numbers from the cost of my dress to paying for the whole wedding. Each conversation it changes. It incredibly frustrating, and I feel like I have to plan like hes not giving anything even though he might give a ton. Supposedly he will have a “real number” in a couple months and we have a long engagement so I don’t really need to know this instant, but I  hate how hes getting my hopes up.

Post # 8
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

So, you ladies are in the same spot as I am but on the other side.  I am a Future Mother-In-Law and we want to and can contribute a good amount but are not in a position to give a blank check.  I told my son that we want to help, and he said “there’s no need for that.”  I have no idea what our FDIL thinks.   As a parent, I’d hope my children would set up a budget/plan so we have an idea of what the costs for various items could possibly be and then let us know.  Just an estimate would be good.  I’m talking about the main items: Venue, Food, photographer, flowers, invitations. 

I wish there was an easy way to do this because I think we want the same thing!  We are all trying to be so careful and because I truly like my FDIL I’d hate to step on any toes.  I just want her and my son to have the wedding they want.

Post # 9
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

My FSILs both got married a few years ago, and FIL’s contributed for particular things. Both FSILs have told me they think the FIL’s are going to do the same for ours, but we’re 2 months out and they haven’t mentioned anything! I don’t want to ask because that would just be rude! Fiance and I have paid for most of it, but every little bit helps, and it would be nice to know now.

Post # 10
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SiriusOne:  My future inlaws gave us a minimum and said they would love to contribute more, but don’t know if they will be able to. They gave us a date when part of the money will be available, and said to let them know what things were costing so that they could adjust accordingly. It was incredibly helpful. Honestly I thought we would have to pay for the whole thing ourselves, and a little bit goes a long way as far as outside help goes. My frustration with my father is the range of numbers he throws out. And that he can’t give anything without my moms approval which she won’t give. I think the best way to help your son a FDIL is to say, “I want to give an appropriate amount, but I have no idea how much a wedding costs these days. Here is the minimum amount I plan on giving. Please let me know when you have a budget together and we can discuss additional contributions as necessary or as they come up.” The other thing I’ve heard parents doing which I think would work well is offering to pay for specific items and giving a budget for those items. Like say, “I think a DJ costs X, and I plan on paying for that.” or “I can pay X much for a DJ, if it costs more we can discuss it.” (I as the bride would plan on paying the difference if was over your budget). The big problem we had with figuring out the budget was deciding what we could afford for a venue. The first place we considered was what I thought we could barely afford, and something I could live with. Once I found out we were getting help, and that my future in laws thought it was worth looking at more expensive places, we found a more expensive but still reasonable venue that had a lot of things included that made it still a good deal.

Edit: Before it said “blank check minimum” by which I meant it was a check for the wedding with no specific purpose. But it was a solid number, and they chose it not us (which is good because I would not feel ok asking for money).

Post # 11
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

@asscherlover:  Thank you for your comments!  While it may not help the original poster, I’m really grateful to have your input and will take your advise.

Post # 12
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SiriusOne:  Np. Feel free to pass my advice on to my dad 😛

Post # 13
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@InATizzy: Family and money is tricky. But how kind of your Future In-Laws to offer to contribute. I think you’re right that Fiance should be the one to initiate the conversation, and depending on how close you are with them, you can be present w/ him or not (sometimes family doesn’t want to discuss ##s in front of FDIL/FSIL so as not to disappoint or frustrate).

Just mention that you’re both so appreciative of their offer. You’ve been looking at a few things, and you’d like to clarify what they would like to contribute financially, and that it’s very difficult to make a decision without numbers being set or some sort of decision. You can see if they just want to give X amount to be budgeted into the wedding, or if they’d like to pay $2K for the photog, or $600 toward a DJ, etc. Mr.ND’s folks had no idea what a wedding in the city would cost, so the price of food alone blew them away. Sometimes having preliminary numbers and costs will make it more comfortable for them to say “we’d like to give $X” or “we have $X to contribute to a DJ and $X for a limo.” etc. 

@SiriusOne: You sound very sweet and like you’re approaching the money issue cautiously because you love FDIL (always a good start! LOL). @asscherlover:  had great advice. Maybe check with your son (or get the go-ahead to check in with FDIL, sometimes sons have no clue re: researching the wedding costs) to see what sort of ranges they’re looking at. Then you can allocate the $$ as you’d like, or just give them a lump sum to put toward the wedding. If anything, I’d give a number on your low end so you can splurge and give more later if you’d like and can afford it, but saying ‘minimum gift’ seems to imply that you plan to give more, and things might come up. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and love in your heart for son and FDIL, so I think you guys will be fine if you just talk it out openly and honestly.

Post # 14
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee

Both my parents and FI’s wanted to contribute. My parents came up with the idea that we should come up with a budget and they would pay 1/3 of it, FI’s parents would pay 1/3 of it, and my Fiance and I would pay the other part. FI’s parents liked that idea and so that’s how it was. We are going a bit overbudget on things but my mom told me not to worry and that they would chip in a bit extra if needed. She also bought me my dress.

In your situation, I would recommed your Fiance explain to his parents that you’re working out a budget and discussing with everyone what kind of contribution can be made. If he words it properly I don’t think it will sound rude. He could even ask them if they would rather give a specific amount for whatever you want to use it for OR take care of specific items (ie. pay for the limo, or flowers, or cake, etc.)

Post # 15
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I think the best way to approach this is to figure out a general budget, and areas where you could use assistance.

“We’ve figured out that the venue will be X, photographer about Y, catering Z. We currently have $X, which will allow us to hold it at venue Y, and we’d really like Z instead.”, etc. 

Or- “We currently have a budget for 75 guests. With $X, we could have 100 guests.” 

Post # 16
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m sorta in the same position. My mother has offered to help by paying for specific things but my dad and step mom are pretty vague about it. My Maid/Matron of Honor actually has a really good plan and I’m looking forward to doing what she’s suggested.

We’re having a “planning brunch.” I’m inviting them over to talk for brunch and I’m going to show them the things that Fiance have decided that we want. I can point out what is in our specific budget and what my mom has already decided to pay for. Then they can see what else would really help achieve what we’re going for and on their own decide what things they want to contribute to or if they’d like to just give a certain amount.

I think it will let them know how we’re budgeting our portion and also give them something tangiable to contribute to instead of feeling like they’re just handing over a blank check.

Good luck!

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