(Closed) Things are not getting any better…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Who is the problem here... really?

    FI... he needs to grow a set

    FMIL... she is a toxic b****

    OP...you're letting it all happen.

  • Post # 47
    Member
    5669 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I would scream and cry and if you look far back at all my posts there are probably so many of me having a breakdown over my inlaws. I started every day of my engagement crying in the morning, they tortured me.

    They are never going to see your side and the more you push the issue you will come off like the bad person. The best advice I can give you is to cut them out of the wedding planning and do not discuss the planning with them. I understand that this may mean less money from them, but it really is the only way you will get through this. Their money is coming to you with strings attached so you either jump right in an get used to the drama or have a wedding you can afford without drama.

    Post # 48
    Member
    9831 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    View original reply
    @peachacid:  +1!

    Post # 49
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    He needs to put you before his family if you’re right. You need someone in your corner. His mother is being ridiulous. there is no way in hell I would have paid for 60% of the guest list to be people i dont necessarily even want there. That’s crazy. demanding and open bar is also crazy since 60% of the people are attending are her people. who does she think she is? now she wants to wear an evening gown that’s blue? what a freak show. 

    Post # 50
    Member
    264 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    aiye!! hugs!!! I’m sorry you are having to deal with all this drama!

    Post # 51
    Member
    2605 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    What does your Dad have to say about this?

    Post # 52
    Member
    695 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I NEVER EVER post on these types of threads because I don’t feel qualified to know what goes on. But, I’ve read all your postings- your Fiance scares me. I have an overbearing Italian FMIL- sometimes, but she is nothing like this and I can handle her. Your Fiance scares me the most- he is not going to change- his line about his family comes first?!?!! No way. This will never change and you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak and frustration.

    I’m so so so sorry, but I would not marry him. Please, please think long and hard about what you’ll do.

    Post # 53
    Member
    3682 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    View original reply
    @mayflowerbride13:  Aww, shucks!  

    I had some issues with DH being too attached to his parents before, but not anywhere near the scale you’re dealing with.  He has this hero worship of his dad, and started a company with his parents.  They were all like, “You’ll be retired before you’re 30!”  Everyone thought I was crazy when I started saying the company was in trouble.  We were supposed to get married in August of 2008.  That January, he called it off.  The company filed for bankruptcy in April.  That’s when DH realized I’m not actually an idiot, and he’d be better off if he actually acted like I was  his partner, not his parents.  I don’t have blind faith in anything or anybody.  

    Post # 54
    Member
    7605 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I didn’t read your whole post and I know you’re not going to listen to my advice AT ALL, but please just end this relationship now while you’re still young.

    There are other, better things out there for you.  I know you’re 20-something and therefore know everything, just like we all did, but please just trust me on this one?

    At the very least elope.  This isn’t even real life anymore.

    Post # 55
    Member
    277 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    ((Hugs))OP I’ve been following all of your posts about this and I am SO sorry that he and his family are putting you through this. You are a saint for not strangling them all (yet). 

    My advice to you would be, (if after all of this drama you still want to marry this manboy) Tell your dad not to pay for it! If you want a limited bar.. pay for a limited bar! If you don’t want an elaborate midnight buffet, pick ONE item to be passed to guests while they are dancing. If you don’t want FMIL’s hairdresser and FI’s 1st grade teacher there DONT INVITE THEM! I know that it’s FI’s wedding too but if your father is paying X amount then that is the entire budget. If  the IL’s want something extra they arrange and pay for it. 

    Your Fiance needs to grow up and put you 1st. That doesn’t mean that he should turn his back on his family, but the text comment that he made this morning is out of line.

    Best of luck to you in this whole situation and worst case senario throw yourself a kickass 25th bday instead of the wedding and plan the party that YOU WANT.

    Post # 56
    Member
    11266 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @mayflowerbride13:  i am so sorry that you are going through this.  it should be a happy and exciting time for you.  i agree with pp;  your fi needs to stand up for you and tell his mother NO.  you fmil is never going to change so you really need to think about what you are signing up for.  are you truly prepared to put up with her for the rest of your (or her) life?  it will be the same when you have children.

    your dad sounds wonderful.  not only is he paying, he tried to reason with someone who is clearing unreasonable.  bless him.

    your family is paying and your fil’s are not paying a dime.  the inlaws should have ZERO input. period.  tell your fi that only the two of you will be discussing the wedding plans.  your dad will give you the budget and other than that, there will be no input from anyone else.  the two of you alone will decide the size, the meal, the bar, etc, etc, etc based on the budget that your dad gave you.  if it does not fit the budget, something must be cut, but again, the two of you will have to discuss it together.

    if your fi does not agree to these more than reasonable terms, tell him that he has 24 hours to think about it and if he still doesn’t agree, the wedding is off.  period.  no more negotiation.  done.  this will determine if your fi is true marriage material or just a “titty baby”. 

    if your fmil says she won’t attend, fine.  that is her loss.  if your fi holds that over your head, tell him that he is pointing the finger at the wrong person.  besides, do you really think your fmil won’t come?  of course she is.  it’s her son and she has that new prom dress to wear.

    good luck, hold strong and keep us updated.

    Post # 57
    Member
    5295 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 1993

    A. why was YOUR father contacting your Future Mother-In-Law to have that convo and not your FI?

    B. I would never marry a man who wouldn’t put me first and show that he could stand up to and be independent of his family’s demands. 

    Do you ever see your FI’s behavior changing? If not, you better run like hell. The lost money on deposits will be nothing compared to a marriage filled with your FI’s inability to act like a grown man and your MIL’s interfering and manipulation. 

    And oh yes, like PPs have said……when you add children to the mix, it will only get a million times worse. Believe me. My siblings and I can attest to that. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    1826 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Ok…

    1) I didn’t vote in your poll because In My Humble Opinion all three are true.

    2) Fiance definitely needs to grow a set and learn how to be part of a couple. There’s obviously a reason why he’s still single at 30 and I am in no doubt as to what that reason is. My ex has remarried a much younger woman that is fairly naive…easier to manipulate and control. I’m not saying that you are but your Fiance is definitely trying this tactic. That is why he is giving you the silent I-won’t-tell-her-that-I-love-her treatment…MANIPULATION! I have lived through…it doesn’t get better.

    He is TELLING YOU THE TRUTH! Believe what he says! He has point blank told you that he will NEVER love you more than his family…and you’re still considering marrying this man?!

    3) His mother (and family) is toxic and manipulative (Where do you think Fiance has learned this behavior?). She will not change. She has never had to so why should she? She knows that as long as she keeps having her fits she will get her way even if that only means her son is agreeing with her. She will control your life if you marry her son…and the lives of your future children. If you are willing to have the rest of your life dictated to you then get married…if not then RUN NOW!

    4) You are allowing this to happen. Although you have stated several times when you have been upset with your Fiance for very legitimate reasons you never follow through. You have told him that he needs to tell his parents that they have no input and then he doesn’t…your response? It’s hard for him and ‘Oh! He made me breakfast so everything’s all rainbow-farting unicorns again’. There are no consequences for his behavior at any time. You are allowing him to treat you this way. I know this because I allowed my ex to do it for years and always had the best excuse as to why. 

    This whole situation is borderline emotionally abusive and I have no doubt that once you marry it will no longer be borderline. If you don’t ‘tow the line’ with his family then they will just wear you down until you do…just like they are doing now.

    Post # 59
    Member
    1252 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I’m so sorry you are going through this, I’ve been keeping up with all your posts and have been appalled at the behavior of both your Future Mother-In-Law and your Fiance.  At this point it is clear that your Fiance is not supporting you and has told you his mommy will always come first…. I do not agree with those that say “elope” because this will be a problem for the rest of your (or her) life – it is not going to go away just because the big wedding goes away.  I also don’t agree that a gal should have to give up her vision for her wedding just because someone else is trying to force their views on her. 

    My advice to you would be to tell them all that it is on hold indefinitely.  Let Fiance and his mommy decide whether getting their way is worth losing you completely.  And give yourself time to figure out whether you can deal with his mommy coming before you for the rest of your life. 

    If you guys do decide to go through with the wedding, you need to do so with a united front.  He’ll need to agree to having a wedding within your budget, and to tell his mother if she doesn’t like it she can shove it.  Honestly it sounds like you and your parents have been bending over backwards and with every inch you give Fiance & Future Mother-In-Law are going to try to take a mile.  If this is going to work, you’ve got to make it clear that Future Mother-In-Law will have zero input into the wedding, you will give her X number of invitations and that will be the extent of it.

    Post # 60
    Member
    3580 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I haven’t read all the comments but uh-uh, no-way is this appropriate: because I will never turn my back on my family for anyone. For one, you’re not asking him to. You’re simply asking to remain the same team.  Two, soon you WILL be family, and his number one family. 

    As a newlywed, looking back it was the two of us against the world in terms of what we wanted for our wedding.  As it should be. I hope the same for you….or a relationship in which you’re truly valued.  Sincerely.

    Post # 61
    Member
    2909 posts
    Sugar bee

    @mayflowerbride13:  Re: your ETA, I think the response to this, calmly and at a time when you can talk without interruption, is “Okay, I’d agree that things between me and your family need to change if we’re going to go through with this marriage. I’d like to hear what things you think *I* should change, and what things you think your family should change.” And then his reply will tell you what you need to know. Because if all of the “change” is stuff he thinks YOU ought to be doing, and if he can’t come up with some things that his family needs to change, then you know very clearly which side he’s on. (On the other hand, if he is able to list some things his family needs to change, and is able to express everything in a rational, fair manner, then you know there’s a chance of you two working through this.)

    The topic ‘Things are not getting any better…’ is closed to new replies.

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