(Closed) Things are not getting any better…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Who is the problem here... really?

    FI... he needs to grow a set

    FMIL... she is a toxic b****

    OP...you're letting it all happen.

  • Post # 62
    Member
    11324 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Your Future Mother-In-Law is a raging bitch, but your Fiance lets her be. When you are marrying someone, they are your immediate family now. You should be the first priority. He doesn’t have to turn his back on his family… unless THEY make him do it. What he should be saying is “Mom, I will not turn my back on my Fiance for anyone so you need to get over yourself and calm the hell down”

    If he can’t put you first now, you will never be first. Better to have a broken engagement than a messy divorce. 

    Post # 64
    Member
    2861 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

     I don’t know why I keep reading your updates because they are painful to read. It is obvious you have no business marrying him, $12K in deposits is not a reason to marry someone. It is CLEAR that you should probably just break off the relationship as he is unwilling to treat you with the common courtesy you’d give a stranger, much less a wife.

    Honestly I find you at fault for your problems. You can’t control other people or circumstances you get put in, but you CAN control how you react to those things. By allowing all this to go on then you are giving your approval to be treated like dirt. People can only treat you how YOU let them. I can’t understand why you’d hang around for all this- a house together, a history, a ring and deposits for a wedding are NOT WORTH sacrificing your lifetime of happiness for. He has made it clear where he stands- he will never put you first. So please put yourself first and get away from this toxic relationship. 

    Post # 65
    Member
    11231 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Oh hon.

    Leave. Get out while you still can. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. Take your deposits and put them towards an awesome birthday/I’m finally free of that psychotic bullshit party.

    Post # 66
    Member
    5295 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 1993

    View original reply
    @mayflowerbride13:  My dad had to talk to her because my Fiance broke down crying to him bout how he has tried and she just yells at him/doesnt listen/turns it around on him.



    That to me is unbelievable. Will your dad always be fighting you and your FI’s battles for you then? To me this pretty clearly says your Fiance will never have the cahones to tell his mother that you come first. Your Fiance is clearly not ready to sever the umbilical cord here and participate in an adult relationship. 

    Like Corgi said, a broken engagement is better than a messy divorce (especially if it is going to involve kids). I don’t know how clear I can make this to you. Things will NOT improve after the wedding. They never, ever do. You deserve someone who will put you first ……….as well as in-laws who will respect your position as their son’s wife. 

    Post # 67
    Member
    684 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    Sounds like she is succeeding in tearing you apart so her son can marry a nice Italian girl. Some parents are like that, she is European and a b* about who she wants accepted into the family. If you Fiance does not grow some balls and stand up for you, this is how the rest of your life is going to be like. Every little thing will turn into drama from parties to children issues.

    You have to be careful now, it sounds like she got the power over him right now and he is having doubts about you. This is what happens when some people get under your skin. I think you need to be gentler with Fiance and not talk about the BS his Mom is pulling, so he is not in the middle of it. Try to find a nice way of saying: “I am not sure how to work out “x” with your Mother, perhaps, you can see what her point of view is… let’s make a decision together after you talk to her”. I think it might be better he would deal with his own Mom and the culture for now. You need to find your way back to each other somehow. Leave for a week-end to reconnect, do something romantic, relaxing. Omit any talk about wedding, family, etc, spend time with each other.

    There are MILs who will try to tear you apart even after the wedding, nothing will stop them from what they think is best for their son. This one sounds like one of them.

    Post # 68
    Member
    246 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @Luayne:   i agree

    this sounds all too familiar. It sounds like my mom and my aunts. the only way i am still sane, is because of i have fought to have my own opinion/life ever since i was a teen, and was even called a devil child (bc of not making my bed and not doing exactly what she wanted, i was hard for her to manipulate- although i am still left w/ emotional scars- (even if u don’t let them win, they some how will always get to you)). Italian moms are one of a kind. lol But the ground work has not been done. She is the queen of the castle, and no one has tried to displace her until you (a non italian) come along, and tell her how it is going to be. unfortunately you do not have the support, as ur Fiance is still under her control. I am sorry but after that comment about choosing family over you, it is clear where his priorities lie. Please get out. Your Fmil, will always be more important.  You will always not be good enough, she will question everything you do, and try to put it down. Beware! this is going to be one hell of a lifelong struggle.  

    ie) my mom, after making a dinner, will ask my married brother who makes better food her or his wife?, with his wife right there. Thankfully my brother is great, and says mom i love your cooking but his wifes cooking, is his fav.  Right there is a perfect example of crazy fmil behavior, pitting one against the other. It doesn’t sound like your Fiance will ever take your side. 

    Post # 69
    Member
    4192 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    View original reply
    @mixtapehearts:   I don’t know why I keep reading your updates because they are painful to read

    So true! Mayflower13- your posts are filled with so much hurt (except for your parents.) Your husband should be your teammate, putting you above all others. And I’m not sure he’s willing to do that, and I don’t see this situation with him getting better for you, unfortunately.

    Post # 70
    Member
    7365 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    This is a hot ass mess. Run while you can. 

    Post # 72
    Member
    4369 posts
    Honey bee

    The basic problem is that your Fiance doesn’t put your needs and concerns ahead of his parents. He straight up told you that. You’ll always be second fiddle on EVERYTHING and the rest of your lives together if you agree to this. I don’t think I would be able to marry a man like that without solving this problem first. What is going to happen when you have kids? Is she always going to villainize you and is your Fiance going to just stand there and let her?? YEESH!

    Post # 73
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    OP I really recommend you take a serious consideration of leaving this man. I can relate SO well. My brother is exactly like your Fiance. Even when it’s obvious that our mother is treating his wife like crap, my brother always sticks up our mother! It doesn’t get any easier once you’re married, in fact it gets worse. Mama’s boys are mama’s boys for a reason. It doesn’t matter how much you cry, b*tch, or scream, Mama is going to win every time. The difference between my brother and I is that I stick up for my Fiance (and get A LOT of grief for it) and he never sticks up for his wife. It’s a very sad situation. So, please take a hard look at the situation because I wouldn’t want you to end up in a situation like my SIL – trapped.

    Post # 74
    Member
    114 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    @pineapplelove:  I concur!

    Post # 75
    Member
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2008

    Your Fiance needs to stand up to his mom and tell her to back off.    Its not her money, its not her wedding, she doesn’t get to make decisions.  Your Fiance needs to grow a pair, stand up to mommy, and show that he is ready to be your husband.  IF he doesn’t do that now, then you are going to sign up for a lifetime of this woman making your life miserable.  OR else you are going to forget the $12K, and call it off.

    Post # 76
    Member
    2417 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    If your Fiance isn’t willing to stand up for you NOW, I doubt he will ever be able to stand up to his mother once you get married. It may be best to just cut your losses now and move on with your life, because I don’t think that you are willing to deal with his mother for the rest of your life. I can only imagine what will happen if the two of you decide to have children someday.

    The topic ‘Things are not getting any better…’ is closed to new replies.

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