(Closed) Things were going well, but just had a HUGE fight

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am so sorry. But I think you are right standing your ground. I wouldn’t let him get his “fiance Visa” without an actual engagement. But I wouldn’t tell him that- the true test will be if he proposes without prompting from you.

Post # 4
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@maggierose: What was his reaction when you exploded and told him all bets were off if he kept up the weirdness? Did he apologize and try to reassure you? Or did he give you another ‘you’re crazy’ look? My advice would be to ask him point blank, no jokes, why he is uncomfortable when the subject comes up.

Post # 5
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@maggierose: Huge hugs to you! I was actually wondering how you were doing and I’m sorry things are so rough right now. I’ve looked at some of your older posts about moving to your SO’s country and I have to say wow, that took serious guts! I obviously don’t know your SO or your situation personally so I am speaking in broad and general terms. That said, I have to say that I have found some Latino guys take an incredibly long time to grow up and “get it” with regards to getting engaged, marriage and such. Been there, done that, vented a lot on WB! I also get the machismo, don’t talk about your feelings thing but it seriously concerns me that your SO has never explicitly said that he wants to marry you in the future.

My best advice would be to have a calm, serious “come to Jesus” discussion with your SO and make that the absolute last one. You said in your post that January 1 is your deadline for a proposal – is that a private thing or does your SO know? I absolutely would not tell him about the January 1 deadline if you haven’t already! I think I would phrase it something like “I am ready to move on with my life and for me that includes getting married.” Clear, direct, no ultimatums, no pressure. Notice that this is not phrased “…getting married to you.” This is about your life and what YOU want. No way in hell I would let the fiance visa stand without a ring and a date! I hope that him seeing you making plans for March that do not include him lights a fire under his butt!

Post # 6
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Aw, I’m sorry. The weird faces would piss me off, too.   I’d just tell him you’re moving back to your home country on January 1, with or without him.  He can get a fiancee visa when there’s a ring on your finger.  No ring = no visa.  Period.  Then drop it. 

Post # 7
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I would insist that the marriage and proposal be traditional and not sped up so he can get a visa.  Personally, if you did speed it up with his recent reactions and lack of communication about how he wants a life with you, I would question the real motive behind the rushed marriage.

Post # 10
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I agree with Lezlers. It’s really simple, you don’t have to overthink it. Or have big long emotional discussions. It can be communicated clearly and simply and calmly in one sentence. Then drop it. He can take action or deal with the consequences.

Post # 11
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@maggierose:Hmmm this is so tricky.  The Visa thing makes it tricky.  I know my boyfriend had never said he wanted to marry me until I let up on the pressure.  He finally did on his own recently, but if I bring it up again he says, “I’m 95% sure…I will ask when I’m ready!” Maybe try letting up on the pressure?!

I find by backing off and doing my own thing, my man wants to feel closer to me.  I’m sorry this isn’t great advice…but I’d say pick a deadline in your mind that you’re willing to wait [mine is the 3 yr 3 month mark] and peace out if it doesn’t happen.  BUT don’t tell him this is your plan.  Just tell yourself that and stick with it.  If he is worth it, he will figure out what you need and give it to me.

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