- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
I am so frustrated and angry right now!
For the last month or so, things have been going pretty well. Sometimes I just can’t read my boyfriend at all though. I get so irritated and frustrated. He knows I’m unhappy here in his country and I want to go back to the US, where, for work reasons, I have to go back by March. He is the one that brought up that he would be OK with leaving his job and moving back with me. He is the one that said that we should go ahead and apply for a “fiance” visa since it is the best way for him to be able to work and live in the US with me and, as he says, he wants to marry me although this might be a little earlier than he anticipated. So…we filed for the visa. We decided we would have a JOP ceremony to make it legal right away and save for a big wedding later on down the line. He made it seem like a “traditional” proposal would be on the way (although he didn’t actually say that). But, we looked at rings together a little bit online, he knew my preferences, etc…..I would show him wedding stuff and venues and he seemed into them….I was ecstatic, right?
But then he was doing stuff that made it seem like he didn’t really want to get married at all. We passed by a jewelry store and I suggested we go in to just try on some rings in person. He made this like really weird face..how can I describe it..: he gave me a sidelong glance looking at me like I had three heads and was from an alien planet. WTF! I got SO mad I flipped out. I was like…are you serious about this or not? His claim, then, was that “he didn’t think it was romantic to look at rings and he knows what I like and he would do it and he wouldn’t make faces anymore about it and he was just joking, etc.” Ok…I let him off on that one.
But he did that again twice in the last two days. Made those weird “you’re crazy” faces when I bring up something about engagement or marriage. Last night I said something about wanting to be engaged by 2011 and I asked him “do you think we will be engaged by the new year?” He gave me the “you have two heads crazy face” look and then said “by new year 2012″? haha…”NO by new year 2011” He said “maybe…”. I can’t tell if he has something in mind and I should just back off or if he just doesn’t at ALL and is putting me off with his “maybes”. If he would just tell me, I could shut up about it. The more he doesn’t, the more crazy I get. I told him I would like to be traditionally engaged at least by the time we had the visa. But, as far as I know, he hasn’t done anything about it…
Today in bed, I said “I can’t wait to make you my husband….” and instead of saying somthing like “I can’t wait to make you my wife” (what I was expecting) HE GAVE ME THE SIDELONG CRAZY FACE GLANCE AGAIN. I exploded….I know I should have controlled myself but this was too much. He has actually never expressed, verbally, something like “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” or “I want to make you my wife”. Maybe it’s not his style…..maybe I am being too “romantic” to expect to hear that…but is it really so crazy?
I know I should have remained calm, but I told him it hurts me when he acts disgusted (which his crazy face makes me feel) about getting engaged or marriyng me. I told him if he keeps it up, all bets are off, as I can’t stand to be with someone who is so put off by the fact of being married to me…. 🙁
I don’t know if he is just trying to totally surprise me or if he just doesn’t care and thinks we are just going to slide in this weird “psuedo phase” of engagment/marriage. Like, as if it’s not serious, I feel like he isn’t taking it seriously, like I am. We’ve been together for three years in December. I just don’t know how to take things. He is giving mixed signals and I am so frustrated. I don’t know when enough is enough. I just wanted him to say a timeline so I could shut up. I seriously think that if there is no formal proposal by January 1, I really am just canceling the visa process and moving out. I know I need to shut up until then….. but you know what I mean..these mixed signals and looking at me like I am BAT SH!T CRAZY every time I bring up the words, ring, proposal, husband, wife…does not bode well. I would like to think he “is throwing me off” so he can surprise me but…I don’t think he really thinks that deeply about it. Or that he is just being funny…but I am scared and I think he is genuinely weirded out by marrying me and if that is true after 3 yrs then this just is not going to work. I am so heartbroken.
I am sorry this was so crazy and all over the place, I just don’t know what to go from here, I am so mad right now I could explode, any advice or support would be appreciated 🙁