Things You Overlooked Before Marriage?

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
6630 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

The things you are talking about aren’t small. Some are freaking huge. The misdemeanor, fine. But not raising your kids to know and understand two faiths? I wouldn’t be okay with that either. Religion, where people find it important, is huge. You are saying, essentially, that you don’t want to validate his with your children.  That’s harsh  

Then you’ve got a husband who acts like a toddler in public. That’s a huge no-go. I don’t even see how you got this far with a guy who embarrasses you like that. Never mind how he might treat kids. You’re here now and presumably you love him. So I’d give him the choice between an anger management therapist and a lawyer. If he won’t address these issues, certainly don’t breed with him. It takes a millisecond to shake or toss a baby in anger, even if he regrets it forever.  I feel sick just thinking about it. 

The money can be addressed with a financial planner. Again, no babies until finances are under control, but that at least is resolvable. 

No one can say if you should stick by him or not. It’s a small picture you paint but I see big problems. I know what I would do but that is all. Both of you can take the initiative to correct this if you wish to, but you both have to be all-in to make it work. 

Post # 3
Member
4577 posts
Honey bee

You were fine for four years because you had your head in the sand for four years.  Those are all pretty major issues that should have been handled before marriage, not after.  Now kids aren’t so hypothetical.  Finances are your shared business.  You can’t just go back to your own place when he has a temper tantrum.  You ignored it, convinced yourself you are compatible, and now it actually matters.

You need to handle it now before kids are a reality. 

Post # 4
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

No offense but it doesn’t sound like you “overlooked” any of this; you blatantly ignored it on the quest for marriage. I think you guys either need to get yourselves into some counseling now, or start looking at divorce lawyers. You’re either committed to fixing it or you’re not but no one can tell you any of that. That’s all up to you and how emotionally invested you are in making your marriage work. 

Post # 5
Member
6503 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Yes, you made a huge miscalculation. Please, take care of it and divorce now before children in any form are a reality. It was good that you knew about and/or discussed these things before marriage (as many people don’t even do that), but now that you know that some of them are non-negotiable to you, take better care next time before getting serious with someone. I am atheistic and it would be a non-starter for me if someone told me they didn’t want me expressing my views to my children. I might have agreed to have them raised as both, but I ultimately knew that Dh would never take the initiative to take them to church. If religion is not something you can compromise on, that’s okay. It just isn’t okay for you to marry someone with one understanding and then do a 180 on them.

Post # 6
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee

Before jumping to divorce I would suggest to take a step back and think. Did this feeling start suddenly? Do you have a tendency towards anxiety? Could it be about the ‘finality’ of marriage? Have you talked to your husband about this? 

This could definitely be a sign that you have been ignoring important things due to love or wanting to get marriwx. Love doesn’t conquer all. But I’m a person that has a tendency to ovethink and when I’m feeling anxiety I’m looking for faults in people to protect myself from getting hurt. So I’m wondering if there is something else going on with you?

Post # 7
Member
12219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

If you want to adopt children and knew that would not be possible, then you made a mistake. 

I know many couples who decide to raise their children in one faith in order to provide a strong sense of identity. There is nothing wrong with that. But that’s not what you agreed to, so it would be a terrible thing to go back on your word after the fact and a possible deal breaker for him. If you can’t agree and you can’t adopt, I don’t see how you can plan a future involving children.

His temper would have have been a big nonstarter for me years ago. You can insist he start treatment and counseling or else.

You were in real denial about the seriousness of all of these issues. Counseling for you is probably a good first step. 

Post # 8
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Did you never talk about children/adoption or religion before getting married? Those are huge topics, and deal breakers for most. Religion and children aren’t something that I would be able to compromise on, I made sure my husband and I were on the same page very early into dating.

the Anger issue is a whole other problem, if it were just that I’d suggest counseling to try and work through it, but there’s so much more going on.

turn2nextchapter :  

Post # 10
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee

 I can completely sympathize with your situation.  I compartmentalized each of the issues I had with my exH because individually I thought I could find a compromise.  Once I took a look at the big picture, I realized I would be compromising on basically everything.  I had blinders on and he was really good at manipulation and gaslighting and it took me a while and a very expensive wedding to figure out that I couldn’t live like that.

its hard to admit when you make such a big mistake and it’s hard to go through with divorce, but in the end I knew that we deserved happiness and that wasn’t going to happen if we stayed together.  Love (or what I thought at the time was love) was not enough.

 I do recommend therapy.   It has been life changing for me.

Post # 12
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

Sorry but I think the biggest thing standing out to me is that you married someone when you weren’t ok with raising your child with their faith as well. I’m not saying it’s wrong- I think most people want to raise their children in the same faith as them. It’s just a HUGE thing to “overlook”, it’s a make or break thing. I don’t see how you can address this other than convince him to only raise children under your faith which, honestly, I can see him disagreeing with for good reason. He’s already compromising with doing both, which I would think is what people from two religions usually do. My friends parents are Hindu and Catholic. She was raised in the Catholic church but also very much grew up under her father’s Hindu faith as well. Without compromise, I don’t understand how it could work. I’m sorry. I think you might need to find someone that’s a better match for you, or really think about why you chose this guy and if it’s worth sacrificing some very important things. 

Post # 13
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

I hope this isn’t ignorant of me to ask, but are you guys unable to have biological children? If so, is there any way to get his record cleared so that adoption may be possible? I have no idea if this is possible or not, but it’s just a thought. 

I think you guys will both need to compromise on the faith thing if you do have children, it won’t be easy but this is something that perhaps you could work through in counseling.

His financial irresponsibility needs to get under control before kids enter the picture for sure – is he open to seeing a financial advisor to start working on sorting things out? 

I think the anger issues are a big deal, even if they aren’t directed at you they need to be addressed. Perhaps anger management could be an option, or at least couples therapy as a first step to discuss these issues and see if you’re both willing to work on your marriage. 

Post # 14
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Stop looking here for advice. Go talk to your husband!!!

Everyone on this board will have a different opinion about your life (myself included!), but at the end of the day, you won’t resolve anything until you bring your concerns to your partner. Your situation isn’t hopeless. Your husband as a misdemeanor… see if it can be pardoned. You have different faiths… find out from him exactly what aspects of his faith he’d like to pass on and consider whether those parts actually clash with your faith or could in fact compliment it. He’s got a temper… tell him to smarten up and get it under control because it’s making you feel unsafe then get him into some anger management counselling. He has debt… take control of family financial management. 

Marriage is hard. Now is the time for you both to put in the work together to make things right. 

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