(Closed) Think he's cheating on me, advice needed please.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 302
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@This Time Round: Where were you you when I was 16 years old being cheated on my my first ever “serious” boyfriend?? This is the best piece of advice I have ever read!! I hope OP sees this and takes it on board. Thank you! 

Post # 303
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Brickette:  agreed! She’s one of my favorite bees!

Post # 304
Member
3198 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry OP. I hope you have the answers you need to decide how you want to move forward. I don’t think he’s telling you the whole truth, so if you need to get to the bottom of things, keep questioning. 

Good luck and hugs 

Post # 305
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry. I came straight here today hoping for a positive update and I wish he could have given you some good news. I don’t think you’re a coward at all for leaving and going to your friend’s house. I actually think you were very brave in putting your foot down and saying, “I’m not going to stick around right now to hear about more of your mistreatment of me.” Good for you for taking care of yourself! Obviously what to do next is totally your decision and I don’t know all the details of your relationship so I’m not going to tell you what I would do. Just want to offer *hugs* and say you are strong and will get through this fine no matter what outcome you choose!

Post # 306
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee

How you doing op?

Post # 307
Member
4690 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Men. I don’t get it. Why can’t they keep their dick in their pants?

Post # 308
Member
11200 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He brought her to your house?!  Unbelieveable.

I think you’re seeing the tip of the ice berg.  As a PP said, he’s telling you just enough to get you to back off.

He openly admitted to having a “crush” on ballerina girl.

Basically, he’s dating her while living with you.  Quite the nice arrangement he’s got for himself.

If you want to salvage this, I would think couples’ counseling is your only real chance.

I am sorry you’re going through this, it’s awful.  The phone guarding behavior is all to familiar.  My lying, cheating, abusive ex once flew into a rage because he thought I had “touched” his phone while it was on the charger.  I hadn’t.

 

Post # 309
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee

Ouch.  Sorry you are dealing with this.  If my Fiance did this, he’d be gone.  I’d be done with him.  If he’s just friends with her, and thought she was such a nice person, then he should have been open to you in the beginning about inviting her over for dinner – with you there!  Not when you aren’t there.  Red Flag – something was going on.  No doubt.  I’d corner her ass and say something to her. 

Post # 310
Member
11200 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@This Time Round:  

Great advice.  Speaking as a fellow mature Bee, I can say that in my experience, you’re right.

Post # 311
Member
20 posts
Newbee

I am sorry to read this… we all want the happily ever after story but if someone cheats, they will find a reason to do it again and again.  Hugs to you and don’t let this character tear you apart.  Celebrate what is wonderful about you and hold fast to it.  You did not deserve the bad hand you were dealt… life does that to us sometimes and it stinks but how we come through it shows how strong we are.

{{{HUGS}}}

 

P.S. If it is any consolation, he’ll probably cheat on ballerina girl too.  I’ve known a few cheaters in my years around the barn and they don’t change their stripes often.

Post # 312
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am so sorry!!! *BIGHUG*

Post # 313
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ack.  So sorry, OP.  XH having his OWs in our house was for some reason the hardest betrayal for me to get over.  It’s just so personal and over the line, ya know?  Nobody can blame you for leaving after hearing that.  It’s just too much.

If you feel the need to know the whole story, go ahead and get it.  But I think your inkling that things have already gotten physical is probably correct just based on what he’s told you so far.  For me, knowing the whole story was crucial, but just remember that what you hear cannot be unheard.  Digging for details can be equally illuminating and scarring.

I think you’ve gotten a great suggestion to check out the SI boards.  Some of the personalities there are a little strong but it is a great place of support especially in the immediate aftermath (check out the Just Found Out boards).  And feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk away from the thread.

Post # 314
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

OH NO! I was rooting for a good outcome.. I’m so sorry OP 🙁

Post # 315
Hostess
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

“Babe, you’ve been acting really out of character lately. Having X mention that they saw you at dinner but you not mentioning it yourself, and the new password on your phone looks suspicious. What’s up?”

 

It really is that simple. It could totally be nothing, but if this is the guy  you want to marry, you should have the ability to ask this without feeling shamed. He should be able to tell you honestly, and you want to have the ability to truly hear whatever he says. 

 

I haven’t been married a long time (only 2 years) but I will say that one thing that really keeps me secure in my marriage is the knowledge that I could tell Darling Husband “Man, this new coworker/whomever is giving me a hard time. I’m afraid I have a crush.” Sometimes even just saying them makes it go away, but it would definitely signal that I need to make sure to keep my energy focused on my relationship.

ETA: Sorry! I read the update. Girl, good for you for leaving. What a tool. I’m sorry this is so hard.

 

Post # 316
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Now that your gone I would be super pissed if I found out that while I was gone he call her.  Honestly I would probably end it at this point.  He is now lying to you about hanging out with her and would have kept lying if you hadn’t said anything.  That is something I wouldn’t be okay with.

If there was no feelings there he wouldn’t have lied and said just said something.  The whole turning red thing is telling too.  And if I remember you said in one of your posts you thought you were getting a proposal and then there wasn’t one.  And this is him lying years into the relationship.  Combined with lying to you about having a few drinks at a bar by telling you he’s out shopping (what a completely unnecessary lie!) I would be worried.

You don’t seem to be the kind of person that cares whether or not he goes out with a friend or has a few drinks so why would he go out of his way to lie to you about it?  And with the dinner he moved it to a place so no one would see him and someone did anyway.  That’s a whole lot of red flags.  Sorry hun but I say its time to reevaluate if you can deal with someone who lies to you at the drop of a hat then fine but I would need time to heal from these wounds and eventually I would move on if things continued on this way.  It would be really hard for me to trust him about anything and that is no good.

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