(Closed) Think he's cheating on me, advice needed please.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 512
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@kait_anne:  I know how difficult this is for you and I’m glad that you did not make any decisions last night.  Please take all the time that you need to think about everything that has happened and to think about what it will be like if you get back with him, whether you’ll be able to trust him again or whether like PPs mentioned you’ll be an anxious nervous wreck at times when he’s on his phone or when he leaves the house to go out and even when he’s at work with her everyday, think about how you might feel and if you are willing to live like that and for how long because if you stay with him this will take you some time to get over and you both need to be prepared for that.  I know you love him and you want to believe the best about him but please think about yourself too and how you will be affected. Just please think about everything before you make a final decision.

@Sunfire:  +1
Clearly OP’s Boyfriend or Best Friend had already made plans to see ballerina again behind OP back, the only thing that stopped him was that OP became suspicious and confronted him.  So I don’t buy the whole “her personality wasn’t as interesting as OP” becuase he was just planning another secret dinner with her!  So clearly he was still interested in ballerina! I hate to say this but it really seems like he is still lying and not being completely truthful with OP. And another thing, he had no conscience about purposely waiting until OP was out of town each time to do these things that is so pre-meditated (its not like he ran into ballerina on the street and they grabbed lunch, he PLANNED these things behind OPs back!) AND the last time OP was right there in town, so he was getting bolder and trying to see ballerina more even with OP in town! He was definitely moving forward with whatever was going on and happy doing it…until he got caught! 🙁

I’m hoping for the best for you OP, whatever you decide.

Post # 513
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I get you love him but leave your heart out of the equation and look at the facts.

He is a proven liar.

You know he has emotionally cheated on you.

Don’t even wait for the proof that he had sex with her — you don’t take a girl to a nice restaurant you’re physically attracted to and have inappropriate convos with and don’t bone her.

You are being naive. Get an STD test pronto. And my advice would be to pack and leave. What he’s done is enough. Don’t wait around for the rest of the fallout. This is not a nice guy, he’s a douchebag with a capital D and you are worth a lot more than this BS. 

Post # 514
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee

Can I just say…as far as your update goes-I love me some me time! lol Time will play an important factor as you continue to collect yourself and figure out the next steps in the course. Not sure if you’ve read my past comments but I compared our situations when I was dealing with a cheating ex and how I never got over it and would literally get sick to my stomach thinking about it…but one of the main differences between our situations…I never ever believed in my heart of hearts that I had gotten the whole story out of him. I think that’ll be important as you move forward if you decide to stay. You believe what he’s told you and I think that’s the seed to replanting trust. If at any time you doubt it, just step back again and re-evaluate…nothing’s set in stone anymore. Take all the time you need because you deserve it. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do!

 

Post # 515
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

OP, I’m a long time lurker and I signed up to respond to this thread…

Honey, if for nothing other than your pride, don’t stay with this man. I am sure your bf loves you. You’ve lived together for four years and probably have a wealth of memories together. But in your first post ALL of your instincts were proven correct. And one of your instincts was “He’s not the cheating type so I’m afraid he has feelings for her.” He is doing physical stuff with her, if “just” making out on your couch. When I’ve read about emotional affairs on this website, it’s emailing/texting/having too many lunches with somebody. Not driving 30 miles out of town to see them and lying about where they are going. Not bringing them to your house when you aren’t there.

He was “trying on” being w/ this woman – he was dating her. Up until two days ago, and only stopped because you caught him. He has some feelings for her, even if the feeling is, “Wow, maybe I could be with ‘a model.'” especially if he’s the nerdy type who thinks “gorgeous” girls are out of his league.

I suggest you go on a “break” for at least a couple of months. And OP, I’d bet money he will be dating that other girl pretty quickly and you will have saved yourself from being dumped after taking him back. Men don’t like to be alone, even if they have to hurt the woman they’re with to make the “transition” easier…now if the break works, then you can move forward…but do you really think you’re getting a ring soon? You’re going to be dealing with this bullshit for how many months? Is your dream to get married or to have a faithful life partner? A man getting ready to marry someone doesn’t date other women.

He’s betrayed you – don’t betray yourself.

I suggest changing your bank account pw to protect your own assets. Good luck mija!

 

Post # 516
Member
31 posts
Newbee

@kait_anne:  I just read your most recent response.  I HOPE you read this.

I think there is a chance your Boyfriend or Best Friend is being honest.  I can’t say.  However, you need to face the possibility that he is still lying.

I want to relate what you’re going through with what I experienced with my Boyfriend or Best Friend.  It wasn’t cheating, but it involved a lot of stress and dishonesty.

My boyfriend is struggling with an addiction to heroin.  He is doing very well, and I know that because he is actively involved in the NA program and is about to get a shot that will prevent him from getting any ‘benefits’ from opiates.  He refuses to go anywhere where there may be temptation.

However, it wasn’t always good.  When it first came out, we talked about it, and HE WAS A CRYING MESS.  Me too, of course.  It seemed like the most genuine conversation ever, because we were both crying and talking about how we don’t want the relationship to fail.  We talked plans and solutions, tried to figure out what went wrong, etc etc.  And, before all this, he had been such a perfect, stand-up guy.  Genuine, sweet.  Perfect.  So surely I knew everything, right?  But here, through the tears, HE STILL LIED to me. 

Sure, he told me truths.  He told me things I didn’t want to hear, which was part of why I believed him.  Why would he tell me these things if he didn’t want to come clean?  Well, HE STILL DIDN’T TELL ME EVERYTHING.  He was selective in the incriminating things he told me, telling me just enough to think I was getting the whole story, but I wasn’t.  He lied by toning things down, leaving things out, and flat-out denial.  There was so much I still didn’t know.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend can still genuinely cry because it is a hard thing to talk about what he does admit to.  It’s also shameful and I’m sure that he’s afraid of losing you, which adds to the tears.  I’ve learned from experience that it doesn’t mean you’re getting the full truth.

No, this doesn’t mean that your Boyfriend or Best Friend is lying, but please, from someone who fell for it, consider the possibility that he is.

ETA:

I think the only way to know what is really going on is based on what he does.  I’d be afraid to trust what your Boyfriend or Best Friend says right now.  He needs to show that he means it somehow.  I still don’t always know if I can trust what my Boyfriend or Best Friend is saying, but I’m getting there.  Rather, I judge what is going on based on what he has been doing:  the fact that he is actively attending meetings, has a sponsor who he contacts to check in daily, refuses to go anywhere with temptation (including the city where we used to live together, because he has memories of using here), and is getting the vevitrol shot.  Unfortunately, there isn’t as much that can be done to show that he is serious about you two except for:

cutting Ballerina out of his life entirely.

If he really is serious about the two of you, this is the only way–in my opinion–that he can show you.  Delete and block her, change jobs or get a transfer.  Whatever it takes.  And even that doesn’t mean he won’t happen to find someone he likes later, whether he looks for it or not.

I’m not sure I could handle the questions and doubts, personally.  There are always potentially ways to sneak around undetected.  I can simply make my SO take a drug test so I can know for sure if he has used or not.  There isn’t a real way to know someone isn’t finding a way to cheat.

I hope this wasn’t too much of tough love.  I really hope the best for you.

Post # 517
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, thank you for being so candid and articulate in sharing one of the most difficult and distressful situations life can give us.

I know you are giving yourself some space and me time right now – good for you!  You have so many good viewpoints from the Bees to consider. I want to add that if you do decide to work on things with him, please consider counseling.  Speaking from experience, regaining trust is very, very difficult and I think you both (especially BF) will want to understand more about WHY this happened before moving forward.

Best to you!

Post # 518
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@kait_anne: 

@LaughLines:  +1000. OP, if you do choose to try to make things work out with this man, please don’t try to do it on your own (most would agree that’s a recipe for disaster). Couple’s counseling would be your best bet for trying to genuinely move past this together.

Post # 519
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

@kait_anne:  So happy you finally got some answers. I hope everything works out for you!!

Post # 520
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@kait_anne:  I think what you are doing is very level headed and mature. Time is the only thing that will heal anything, or allow you to think things through again and again. It will allow you to “proof read” your decisions before following through with them. It sounds super stupid, but for very important decisions in life I like to treat them like I would a dissertation. I can plan my rough draft, create my rough draft, ask for advice on how to edit my rough draft… but if I were to change the entire premise of my argument based on too much advice, it would not longer be my rough draft, and the plan I execute in the end would no longer be my own. 

I think what you are doing already is right. Listen to the bees here who are giving support, not yelling at you to instantly dump him here and now. That may be what you actually do, but we, your internet friends, do not know near enough about your entire relationship to justify giving that kind of advice. 

I wish you the best and hope you get this all cleared up in time! 🙂

 

Post # 521
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

OP, listen, i know you are getting a lot of the “once a cheater, always a cheater”, but the saying also goes that “good people make mistakes”.

Im sure you’ve seen the sex and the city movie where Miranda gets cheated on by Steve. Your story reminds me of that scene so much. Maybe watch it again just as a reminder.  Steve was a good guy and simply slipped.

I feel like some people deserve to be forgiven because they truly did make a mistake. We all do in life, we are only human.

Remeber: first time’s a mistake. second time’s a choice. third time’s a habit.

 

Thats all i have to say 🙂 Good luck hun!!

Post # 522
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

OP, I feel so torn for you. On one hand, it sounds like he is telling you the truth and genuinely regrets entertaining the thought of ballerina. On the other hand… he was going to go to dinner with her again. It does make me wonder how far it would have gone.

I’m so sorry and hope you are able to clear your head enough to make the best decision for you.

Post # 523
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@SimpleKitty:  That’s funny cause this thread made me think of that movie as well. Clearly Steve and Miranda are characters, but the difference is that Steve came clean to Miranda. 

I get that we don’t know their relationship but what he did was fucked up and he didn’t come clean to her – she found out. I believe in learning from other people’s mistakes and the women with experience in this area (cheaters or cheatees) have described the similarities between their experiences and OP’s. Work colleagues’ “first date” is an intimate dinner at OP’s house? Isn’t that disturbing? “First date.” He is dating another woman behind her back. While OP is waiting for a ring, he’s sneaking out of their home to see this woman…people say, “couples counseling! couples counseling!” We aren’t talking about Pre-Cana or working through his abandoment issues or her fear of having kids (or whatever). The problem is quite probably “We aren’t even married and he’s fucking someone behind my back.” They don’t have kids, they aren’t married. Save yourself the pain.

Post # 524
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Syzygy88:  I find it highly disturbing that he was dating another woman while dating OP. If Ballerina had been more interesting he would have probably left OP for her. When he said he can’t believe he risked it for a ‘no nothing coworker’ it sounds to me as though its not that he almost lost OP that bothers him its that he almost lost OP for what he sees now as a lesser woman but would have been ok risking it for a better woman. Basically if Ballerina had only turned out more to his liking it wouldn’t have been a big deal to continue to date her and leave OP. Can a man thats considering leaving you for another woman if shes “better” really love you?

Post # 525
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Yup sounds to me like he was seriously considering leaving you for ballerina until he was caught. He freaked out, didn’t want to lose you and then said she wasn’t really that great. What if she was that great? He would have kept sneaking around, ended up shagging her (if he hasn’t already) and then after ensuring he had a good thing going swung from you to her like a monkey on a tree. 

Meh, I’m a bit jaded about this sort of thing. Sure he’s showing remorse, he got caught. If he had come to you himself with 100% transparency then I would consider forgiving him. But that’s not what happened is it. 

It sounds like he is going to get off relatively scott free (which pretty much guarantees he will try again once someone a bit more interesting comes along) 

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I really do hope things work out for the best. 

 

Post # 526
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

@FauxBoho Yep! If he had fessed up before and said something like “Kait… there’s something I need to tell you. I did something wrong and went behind your back and have been spending time with Ballerina” that would make for a different picture. But he got caught. People tend to fess up when they are caught (or they continue to deny it), but it seems to me that he realized what he was about to lose – however, this happened only after getting caught. Did he even feel guilty for what he was doing BEFORE he was caught or is he only guilty now afterthefact because his secret is out? Obviously none of us personally know the OP or her boyfriend or Ballerina, but if it were me in this situation I would look at it this way: Boyfriend was seeing what it would be like to be with Ballerina with whom he admittedly was very attracted to. I would doubt that nothing happened especially since it seemed Ballerina returned boyfriend’s affections and attraction. Boyfriend was going to continue to sample what it would be like to be with Ballerina hadn’t OP’s co-worker alterted her to the situation. Yes, he seems to be candid now, but the fact that he INTENDED to keep seeing Ballerina behind OP’s back is what would concern me. Honestly, if it were me I would take it as boyfriend was seriously considering leaving me for Ballerina – maybe because she’s just beautiful. I think the personality thing was a cop-out as a result of being caught. Again, that’s just how I would take it if I were in OP’s shoes.

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