- Ms. Sloth
- 11 years ago
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I think that the only person who is owed an apology is you – from your fiance.
I think that the only person who is owed an apology is you – from your fiance.
As someone who struggles me my weight, unfortunately it is very easy to be sensitive about this issue and possibly even over react. It’s such an emotional issue. There’s also the possiblity that she misunderstood what you were saying or your intent about the question. Just a few days ago my husband and I were discussing weight issues and he said something that really hurt me – when we finally talked about it, turns out I had completely misunderstood what he was trying to say.
I would recommend walking away from the situation for a day or two. Give her some space and a chance to cool down. Once things have settled a bit, ask if you can talk to her and work through the situion. But, for now things are probalby to emotional for both of you to be sorted out. If she’s a good friend, hopefully she’ll know you meant no harm and forgive you.
I think it would be hurtful not to attend the party. I would go, and maybe pull her aside at an appropriate time and tell her you love her and didn’t mean to hurt her. You’ll try to be better about it, that you didn’t realize until it was too late how rude it was. (FWIW, I don’t think it WAS rude, but you’re making amends, not arguing finer details.)
I think your friend is over reacting. If we can’t be honest with our friends then who on earth are we going to be honest with. Look at the facts…YOU DID NOT CALL HER FAT OR EVEN USE THAT WORD, YOU WERE ASKING ABOUT ANOTHER FRIEND…NOT HER, AND YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO TRY TO CORRECT A BAD SITUATION. Don’t be so hard on yourself…you will get thru this with or without her friendship. I can’t imagine giving up a friendship over one slip of the tounge. Good Luck!
@MightySapphire: My exact suggestion. I’m going to guess that she’ll be feeling better by the time party happens, and will be relieved to see you. By that time, she’ll have received the flowers, and will be surrounded by joyful people celebrating a happy occasion. Go to the party, pull her aside, and don’t look all doom-and-gloom. Be happy and say, “God, I’m an idiot, I shouldn’t have said that. You look gorgeous!” I think she needed time to think partially because she herself acted badly.
i just wanna point out the possibility that the op’s friend may not be overreacting. i have a friend who complains about the most inane crap that i hate hearing about and even if i point it out to her, she doesn’t realize it. so it’s possible the op talks about weight and food and all that jazz and the friend just got tired of it.
with that said, to the op, though she finally spoke up, don’t worry. it will blow over. go to the party. i don’t think you’ll lose her as a friend. just give her a little bit of space.
I don’t think you really did anything seriously wrong, but I think this is an issue people can often be very sensitive about. I am not overweight, but I have struggled a lot with body image issues and eating problems. It can be all in the mind (I’m nowhere near fat nor what we think of as unhealthily thin.) Overall, it’s not mean or intentionally hurtful or even wrong in any way to say the sort of things you’ve said, or talk about your own weight or diet. BUT it is part of the culture of caring about weight.
There was a period for me, of at least a year possibly more like two where I COULD NOT HEAR people criticize their body, anyone else’s, or choices in food. That was all it took to make me start hating myself for eating more than grilled chicken and lettuce.
Basically, I think you may have hit on a tender spot for her and she needs to not be around that kind of conversation, for her own sanity. You’ve apologized, she should know by now you did not mean it as an insult. Give her a little time and make sure you talk about things other than food and weight loss around her.
To the ladies who do not struggle with their weight and do not understand why the friend “overreacted”: Please read @christalynn11’s post. I can guarantee that this is what has set her off. As someone who has been surrounded by thinner friends all of my life, I can tell you that that is exactly what goes through my head when a normal-sized friend obsesses about her own weight – “What must she think about ME, then? If she judges herself that harshly, then she must think I’m a cow!”
@mrskisstobe: You have done nothing wrong, and your friend knows this on some level. That is why she is asking for space, not ending your friendship. She needs to come to terms with her own feelings and insecurities, and she realizes you weren’t intentionally trying to hurt her. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, thanks to her own internal dialogue. (That’s why she says she doesn’t like hanging out with you and other friends who obsess about their weight – it brings to light her self-judgment over and over again in her head, which doesn’t feel good.)
It may have been a goof on your part, but it was an innocent one, and you have done everything right since then. Tell your FH to lighten up, and be kind to yourself. You are not stupid. One thing you might want to do, when the time is right, is to explain to your friend that the reason you didn’t hesitate to ask her about the diet pills is because you simply don’t look at her as being overweight! So the thought that it would be hurtful to her just didn’t occur to you. We tend to be more critical of ourselves than our friends, and that’s something you may point out as well.
Hang in there. All signs point to this being a temporary bump in your friendship, so don’t assume the worst. Good luck!
To the OP: I think your friend overreacted, and honestly, I think your fiance is completely wrong. You made her feel bad, sure, but not maliciously. It was an innocent question and you had no way of knowing how that would make her feel.
To some of the other responders: I get what you’re saying about thin people beating up on themselves hurting your self-esteem, but you need to respect the feelings of others if you expect them to do the same. I’m coming at this with a somewhat unique perspective – I grew up about 50 lbs heavier than I am now. I’m still about 10 lbs from my healthiest weight, although I’m average and a size 2. I lost the weight years ago, so it’s not like it’s a new development. But guess what? I still have terrible self esteem. I don’t like to talk about it (call it fake it til you make it, I guess) but it’s true. Every damn room I walk into, I still feel like I’m the biggest or ugliest person there. Self-esteem has very little to do with how others see you, and everything to do with how you see yourself. The world would be a better place if we all stopped being so hard on ourselves and if there wasn’t such an unrealistic standard of beauty, but you’re damaging others just as much by assuming that anyone under a certain weight is being trivial in their self deprecation.
Look, I struggle with my weight and I get sensitive sometimes. For example, I have a friend who is a size FOUR who did nothing but bitch about how fat she is. To my face, while I was sitting there, 50 pounds heavier than she was. I finally had to explain to her how she was making me feel, and she understood and apologized. We’re still friends, and she still talks about her weight, but she no longer calls herself fat in front of me. Instead, she just talks about how she needs to tone up. And that’s fine. Everyone has insecurities and everyone is allowed to express them.
What you said wasn’t nearly as bad as what my friend said. And you apologized! And you SENT FLOWERS! Your friend is being overly sensitive and your fiance is being unfair. You shouldn’t have to censor yourself from having normal conversations about the normal things that friends talk about.
I feel awful still. I was thin in high school to a point where I was anorexic. I was the same way after I had each of my girls. I am terrified of gaining weight. I already see myself in pictures and think that I look like crap because I have hips and I hate them.
My friend did email me after recieving the flowers and apologized to me saying that it hurts her to see me beat myself up about this issue. She feels overly sensitive about because the friend who took the diet pills is very judgemental and it causes some anxieties when she is around. I told my friend that I think she is a very caring and beautiful person and I never meant to be hurtful.
Sounds like you are well on your way to mending the fence. Congrats for a job well done, and please allow yourself some peace of mind. It’s over. 🙂
1. Stop belittling and punishing yourself. It’s not going to solve the situation and you’ve already done what you can.
2. You apologized, and as a good friend, you’ll keep in mind that this is a sensitive subject for her from now on. Remember, you COULD NOT know this before she said something, and I find it really bad of her to take it out on you. She should have said something to you to let you know, and then forgiven you. If you kept at it, then this kind of reaction is warranted, but not before. YOU ARE NOT A MIND-READER.
3. This friend is punishing you because of her own insecurities. If you were really the “worst friend in the world,” you wouldn’t care about how she felt and this wouldn’t even bother you.
Chin up. You can’t change her, but you CAN adjust your own mentality on this. As long as you know you did everything in your power to show her you didn’t mean to hurt her and you continue to be a good friend, you’ve taken the high road.
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