Post # 17
I have called off a wedding 2 months prior to the big day and it was the hardest thing I had to do. I took a couple of days and stepped away from the relationship…I had zero interaction with my ex for those few days and I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. In my situation it was me not being in love with him but also feeling like I was going from my parent’s house right into his house and having a lack of independence.
This may be a situation of you laying everything on the line, telling him exactly how you feel and what needs to change in order for you to continue on with the relationship. If the two of you want to work it out then put the wedding on hold for a little bit to see if the dynamics of the relationship change and if it is now a relationship you can be proud of and happy with. If things do not change then walk away. Do not beat around the bush be completely honest.
Post # 18
I’ve always been fearful of doing something that he will blow up at… He told his son last week that I was “worthless and lazy” because I do not turn the socks right side out before I wash them. Miss SD’s post sounds like him to a T, minus the outright putdowns about my weight — he just constantly asks me every day when I’m going to the gym for the day, rather than blatantly pointing out flaws — or physical abuse. He has never put his hands on me.
What bothers me is that his ex mother in law (they’re still friendly because she helps out with his son) mentioned she had major concerns during his marriage to her daughter. She is a wonderful person and I can’t imagine she was coming from a malicious place with this information. She has tried to warn me in a veiled way a couple of times.
I started noticing it when we were first dating, but these behaviors come and go. He would send me passive agressive texts when I wouldn’t answer the phone, but blamed it on me living 3 hours away and him being concerned. Its just escalated in the past 2 weeks or so in a big way.
I know no one here, so I’m afraid of staying but afraid of leaving too. He and his son are all I have here. I have a great job but I can’t rely on my job alone.
Post # 19
I would talk to your Fiance and say what you said here. That you can’t be in a relationship where you are not respected. See what he says and it may help to make your decision. But I do think you should air clearly your concern before leaving. However, I would not get married until this issue is resolved in your mind.
edit: I didn’t see your last post when I replied. Something really needs to be done, that’s not a good partnership if one views the other as worthless. I can’t imagine being able to stay with someone who viewed me that way. I’m less than perfect sometimes but my husband helps lift me up when I’m going through a rough patch rather than push me farther down. I really think marriage is about two people making each other better and he’s not doing that.
Post # 20
I know I’ve already posted, but better for you to err on the side of caution on this one. Can you call the ex-MIL and talk to her openly? Just please don’t stay with someone who calls you worthless. This guy is supposed to love you unconditionally, no matter how you do his laundry. You aren’t worthless, and he doesn’t have the right to tell you that you are.
Post # 21
I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
If you can, please look into the resources available for battered women in your community. They will have resources to help you – they may even be able to help you find a place to stay, etc. I realize that you said he never put his hands on you, but emotional abuse is a precursor to physical abuse. Also, you said his behaviors come and go, which can be typical of an abusive person as well. Their behavior tends to go on a “circle of violence” where horrible/abusive behavior is followed by apologies, promises to do better, and sometimes gifts (flowers, vacations, etc), only to be followed by another blow-up.
Please take care of yourself, and please get help. This stuff is too scary to do on your own.
Post # 22
Why are you afraid of leaving? I mean what are the concrete reasons? Listing them out can help you deal with them. Why do you need to “have” anyone?
IMO a great job is plenty to have. You move into a cheap (safe) motel room and look for a small apartment ASAP. If you have a great job – this is not so hard. You find a nice place – maybe with roomates depending on preferences and live your life.
After that, you make your own friends in the area, join a club or two, hang out with coworkers. Completely doable. What else do you need?
Post # 23
I am afraid of leaving because it will be hard for me to afford anything on my own, plus I’m afraid of feeling isolated. I sold all my furniture etc when I moved here, and rented out my home. I feel like I need the support of friends and family, but they’re all so far from here. I guess I don’t need to ‘have’ anyone but support/company would be nice while I go through this.
Post # 24
I know that jobs aren’t easy to come by right now, but if that’s the only thing keeping you with him… well that’s not a very stable relationship foundation! IMO it’s better to lose a good job than to stay in an abusive relationship.
Is there someone you can go stay with (in another city) until you can get on your own feet without him?
Post # 25
@missbunnyrabbit: I think maybe you should have a discussion with him and let him know your feelings. Ask him if he is willing to go to counseling. If he is not I think that you should go yourself. I think it would be helpful to have a neutral person to talk to and figure out what next step is best.
Post # 26
@missbunnyrabbit: Would it be hard or impossible to afford things on your own? Arachna listed some good ideas to get you started. If friends/family knew your situation, do you think they’d be able to visit with you during this time?
Post # 27
THis is very creepy and is NOT a normal way for people to treat each other. Good men don’t do this. Please leave.
Post # 28
I agree with jo.lee – have a REALLY frank discussion with the ex-MIL.
Post # 29
Crunch some numbers. Running the numbers won’t cost you anything and it can make a big difference in a sea of vague panic (from personal experience). It can make you feel more in control even if you don’t do anything with it. Figure out what you can afford. Look up what apartments cost, figure out how cheaply you can eat.
Support is important yes absolutely. But you can do it without. And support doesn’t have to be physically close. I live far from my family (which is a constant ouch to me because they mean so much to me) but they support me constantly through phone calls especially if I’m going through a hard time.
I spent three years in NYC without any family or close friends (though I was getting monetary support). It wasn’t so hard even when it wasn’t very fun. What stops most people is the fear not the actual expereince of it being difficult.
You can absolutely do it.
Post # 30
Your safety and happiness are THE most important things. It sounds like you may possibly be in an abusive relationship. All the money and financial stability in the world aren’t worth staying in a relationship like that. It will be hard to start out on your own but you CAN do it!
Post # 31
You say you’re renting out your house? Does that mean you own a house elsewhere, which you rented out when you moved to be with this guy? If so, then at least the bulk of your financial issues asre short term, at least.
I say jack in the job and leave, go home to your folks for a while to get your head together. I personally would not be inclined to stay in the same town- how are you supposed to deal with the emotional fallout from breaking up with him if he can just march into your workplace, or stop you to talk as you leave it?
To be honest, his ex- MIL’s concerns just cement it for me. Just go. You can pick up the pieces of your life. Being blunt here, but it;s better than picking up your teeth off the floor.
Best of luck chick.