(Closed) Thinking about calling it off

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011


I agree 100% with Aunt Pol. 

The fact that his ex Mother-In-Law is warning you!!  Run.  Where there is a will there is a way.  Seriously. After 10  years of BS from my ex, including psychological abuse and one instance of attempted physical harm (from him to me), he really started to get worse.  When he threw his computer desk at me (with computer on it!) and caused a dinner plate sized raised bruise on my thigh, that was it.

I never should have waited THAT long but justified for years because of the kids, and because he was emotionally abusive and psychologically screwed with me but didn’t hit me.  He didn’t call me names.  he was much more subtle and calculating in his form of abuse.

I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, really.  When I told him to get out I was working for minimum wage at my children’s private school and over half of each check went towards their tuition.  I had no idea what I was going to do, no savings, nada… but you  know what?  It worked out.

Things will always work out.

Oh and regarding his ex Mother-In-Law warning you:  my own mother has warned every one of my brother’s girlfriends and his (now) wife about him and they never listen!  My brother  (who I adore, but I’m being honest here) is not abusive but he’s an alcoholic with some pretty serious emotional problems.  He is also completely charming, intelligent, funny, and loving… but being married to him is hell.  He takes off for days, his moods are up and down, he will drink up the rent, and so on. 

I was always amazed at my mom warning someone that they did NOT realize what they were getting in to.. she loves her son and would never want to speak ill of him to a potential wife or long term girlfriend.. but she knows he’s not a good husband/boyfriend in the long term!  His wife now says she wished she’d listened, and they are married but haven’t lived together in years due to his crap.

So the point is, if someone in a “mother role” to him says this kind of thing to you she probably is fond of him but knows what is to come, and you should take it to heart!

Post # 33
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

After your post about what he calls you and the exMIL trying to warn you, I would say that you really need to get out of there and out of your situation.  Statistics show that many women remain in abusive relationships because they are are afraid of being alone or not having the financial means and not thinking they have anyone to turn to.  If your family or friends knew about this, surely they’d offer to take you in?  You HAVE to do whatever it takes to get out of that house and stay away from him.

The one thing I’ve learned from all the programs is that in an abusive relationship, the abuser will isolate the other person and make them feel like they can’t turn to anyone else.  It looks like he was able to isolate you by getting you to move 3 hours away from your family and friends!  Can’t you return to your family?

Stay safe and try to get out of there!

Post # 33
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010
Post # 34
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Best thing is call your folks, or a friend who has the resources, and get someone to book you a flight/ bus or train ticket. Just go. You will find another job, you can then see about getting back on your feet. Get out from under this man’s thumb now. You know it will prob become a fist if you don’t.

Post # 35
365 posts
Helper bee

The abuse that doesn’t manifest in bruises is the worst kind indeed, because we can’t prove it and you often think it’s your fault.  This is NOT your fault, and you deserve better.

Run.  Run before you become more invovled.  Counselling?  Sure, but I honestly don’t believe you can fix someone who thinks they are in the right.  This would be a problem he may find hard to admit to, it’s just the way he lives.  I’m not saying people can’t change, but well, maybe I am.  You can’t change him, but you CAN change what you do, and in my opinion that is LEAVE.

So you’re 3 hours away from family, and you have a job.  Is your job more important than your happiness and safety?  Feck it, bail on the job and move home to your family 🙂  They love you!

Post # 36
439 posts
Helper bee

As a woman who has been in two extremely abusive relationships, don’t THINK about calling it off.  Call it off, period.

I moved from MI to Texas to be with my first ex.  He hit me for the first time 6 months after we got married.  It took me another 6 months to actually leave him, but I did eventually.  I jumped into another relationship because my self-esteem was so messed up after the first relationship, and I found myself in the arms of another abuser.

If you’re only three hours away from your family, call them and ask them to come down a day he has to work.  Have them help you pack your stuff and get out.  His behavior is not OCD, it’s abusive.

It took me years to heal and find love again, but I did.  And I’m a much stronger person now.  You can do this!  Be strong!

Post # 38
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@missbunnyrabbit: I think this is a great option for you! You have a VERY clear path out. Thanks for updating us — please continue to keep us updated.

How are things going with your FI? Have you talked to him about all of this?

Post # 39
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@missbunnyrabbit: That is such great news! You must be feeling much less trapped and that in itself is empowering. Keep us updated 🙂

Post # 41
6392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Glad to hear about your employer! I can’t imagine living with someone who I was afraid of, though. I think there are more issues to work out than just the budget, and I would go forward with your other options. Good luck and keep us updated!

Post # 42
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011


I hope all works out, we all make mistakes and who knows if he loves you enough he will change and not just for the moment…sometimes people need to be told about their behaviour and how it makes others feel.  I know once my fiance told me that I nag too much and how it makes him feel–I had no idea I was acting that way but the moment he talked to about it I changed.

Post # 43
348 posts
Helper bee

While you’re thinking your options through, I would strongly urge you to think about seeing a counselor who has experience working with women in controlling relationships.  If money is an issue, you might be able to get a referral to a free one through the national domestic violence hotline (1−800−799−SAFE(7233)).  In fact, they’re a good source for a referral in any case.

Talking to a counselor doesn’t mean you have to leave – I just think it can be very helpful to have a neutral party to listen to you and help you work through the issues.  And counselors who have worked with women in abusive relationships may have more of a perspective on whether your partner’s behaviors are something that are likely to escalate, or something that may well improve over time if he works on them.  

Post # 44
4 posts

For your sake, I hope it lasts.  Sometimes people are on their best behavior for a period of time, but unfortunately they usually return to their previous bad behavior.

Good luck – I wish you the best.


Post # 45
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@aunt pol:  Please do not think I was questioning whether or not there is abuse.  This is most definately abusive in my opinion.  When I asked her to talk to the people she knows best, I meant to ask them for advice on how to handle it (counseling, leaving, calling off the wedding, etc).  I was in no way minimizing his behaviors. 

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