(Closed) Thinking about calling it off

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Somethign to keep in mind:  you don’t have to “justify” ending the relationship.  Maybe he’s not abusive (though it certainly sounds like he has those tendencies), maybe he’s not satan… But you aren’t happy. 

That’s reason enough. 

The two of you don’t share children, property or anything else that would create a legal or moral obligation.  So why stay if this relationship is a source of only frustration, fear and diminishment?

Post # 47
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

Run, don’t walk.  He won’t change.  As you said, he’s just sucking up because he knows you’re upset.  You don’t need that in your life.  You will find someone who appreciates you for who you are.  Run!

Post # 49
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Life is too precious to be worried that someone will yell at you if the house isn’t spotless and controls every aspect of your life.  I would encourage you to seek help.  If you don’t have family that will support you, there are women’s support groups in every county designed to help women out of abusive relationships.

It won’t be easy. You are in my thoughts.

Post # 52
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m glad he’s being sweet to you, however I also know that is part of the abusive relationship cycle. After the abuser has gotten angry of whatever, they often shower their SO with gifts and sweet compliments and promise to change. Just something to be aware of. I don’t mean to come across as harsh but it’s a HUGE red flag to me that your Fiance calls you to let you know the garage door has been left open and you’re instantly worried he’s going to fly off the handle. You shouldn’t need to spend your time worry about what will or won’t set him off. That’s no way to live your life.

Post # 53
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Have you ever seen the move “Sleeping with the Enemy?” Enough said. RUN!

Post # 54
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

um, how is it that you “still haven’t decided what to do?”

1. He calls you worthless, for a stupid thing like SOCKS

2. You are worried that he is going to fly off the handle at any moment (such as the garage call)

3. His ex-MIL has repeatedly warned you that being in a relationship with him is no good

4. you HAVE A WAY OUT. You can get a position at your old employer, a friend has offered you a place to stay

5. You are clearly unhappy with him and his behavior. Life is too short to waste time in a crappy realtionship

So, am I missing something?, what else do you need to convince yourself that you need to get out of this relationship and move on with your life? Wake up sister! (I say this with kindness, because I hate to see women stuck in a cycle of abuse)

Post # 55
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I know it’s hard to get yourself out of an abusive relationship, especially when it’s emotional abuse and not physical abuse. Abusers have patterns, and right now, he’s trying to lure you back in by being sweet and nice to you. He’s putting nice captions on the pictures on facebook to make everyone who sees those think that he’s a really nice guy. He’s a master of manipulation, and he’s bringing you back.

Look at everything ktisthatbees just summarized above. He may be nice for now, and it might even last a few months, but he’s going to turn right back around and start flying off the handle again. He called you to tell you that you left the garage door open and justified it by saying he just cares about you and doesn’t want some of your things stolen. A classic sign of an abuser is to blame things on you, and say he’s doing it because he cares about you. Re-read your first post and think about how many times he’s done this to you.

I think you need to go for that job that is back in your hometown and live with the friends who offered you the space. It’s going to be very difficult to get out of this relationship, but when you do, you want to be around people who care about you and who can support you.

Post # 57
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hey, congrats, sounds like you were very brave and made the right decision!  Can you afford living without a roommate? Sounds like it might be a good idea to live with somebody and save some $$ up. WHy don’t you go meet a few people advertising for roommates and see if there’s anyone you like, and take it from there? 

Post # 58
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think the best option is to have a roommate if you find someone suitable. You may make an excellent friend and/or friends through their connections.

I left an abusive relationship over 3 years ago. I literally had to move 5 hours away to get away fom his influence and get my head straight. It’s amazing what a text or phone call can do and have you right back where you do not need to be. Having a roommate will most likely gain you an ally in defense against him bothering you and may provide the support you need to not give-in to him in the future. It sounds like you have probably taken his bait more than once.

I would also look into some counseling. I would hate for you to go back to him or possibly wind up in another abusive relationship. My prayers are coming your way!!!

 

Post # 59
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m sure that was a difficult decision, but it certainly was the best choice for you. Your Fiance was abusive and nobody should be treated as he was treating you. It’ll be hard out on your own at first, but it’ll get easier and you WILL be stronger and independent again. Good luck deciding where to move. I think either the 1 bedroom or having a roommate will be great. Good luck!

Post # 60
Member
1536 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m so happy to hear this 🙂 I just recently found this thread, but I’ve read through the entire thing and I think you are making an incrediably brave and smart choice!

I agree with @da3lyn that a roommate might help to give you a stronger front. Speaking from experience (my mother had 2 extremely abusive marriages when I was a child) it is always best to have as much support as you can. You need to talk to people about what has happened because this will help your healing process and actually speaking those words will help you to truly believe what you’ve done is right (I know this can be a hard thing).

Mostly I just wanted to say “you go girl!” Thank you for being as strong as you are. More women like you need to set the example for all of those who are suffering in terrible relationships. You can take your own life back! Good luck with your future and stay true to your own happiness 🙂

Post # 61
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

So sorry about this!!  I know how you feel, I was there before and it doesn’t get better!!  First I want to commend you on bing able to admit this and seek advice.  Only those who have been in any type of an abusive relationship can understand how hard it is to say “SOMETHINE IS WRONG HERE, I WANT OUT”!!!!!

My ex was like that, very possessive and it go worst, to the point where it became physical and he almost killed me with our son in the house.  I had a weekly allowance for lunch and stuff.  When our anniversary was coming, I saved a bit of that to get him a gift.  It was small, 2 sweat suits he needed.  When I gave him the gift, he asked when I had gotten it and where the money came from.  I told him, so prod of myself for giving him a gift that wasn’t from out joint account……his response – HE BEAT ME TO A PULP, KICKING ME ON THE FLOOR, CHOKING ME AND PUNCHING MY FACE, I WAS NOT ABLE TO CHEW FOR OVER A WEEK!!!!  He said I had been hiding money from him and lying, because I hadn’t told him that I had gone shopping for a gift for him, and asked what else was I doing behind his back.  I stayed 7 years with him, the first physical abuse happened the day after we were married and even durng my pregnancy.

I ws horrified to leave, ashamed to tell anyone.  It came to the point were I felt dying was better than lving like ths, I couldn’t see any other way out.  God put his hand on my shoulder and heled me do it, for ma and my son.  Leaving was hard and involved orders of protections, him violating them and going to jail several times.

I’M NOT TRYING TO SCARE YOU, I’M TRYING TO SHOW YOU YOU CAN GET OUT, BETTER NOW THAN LATER, AND YOU CAN AND WILL GET THROUGH IT!!  As somene said, reach out to those you confide in and put yourself first…you are worth more, you deserve better and you can find better.  best of luck and I will pray you find the strength and help to do this.

Therapy can help you regain what you have lost in this relationship, no shame in it.

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