(Closed) Thinking about calling it off

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
6350 posts
Bee Keeper

Go to the police. Get a restraining order. PLEASE. I’d also contact google/gmail and let them know. You have grounds now. He has threatened your liberty, your right to persue employment.

The child’s mother should also know what is going on. This man is teaching his son to be an abuser.

We are all so proud of you. Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. We’re all pulling for you!

Post # 77
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would go to the police and make a complaint.  I’m so glad you left when you did!  None of this is your fault, you’ve done nothing to feel bad or embarrassed about.  Keep your head up and file the complaint.  Keep track of EVERYTHING in this case documentation is the key!  Also I’d let someone close to you know what is going on, two heads are better then one!

Post # 78
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

All I can say is good on you for dodging that bullet. He’s certainly showing his true colours now, and I am so very glad you didn’t end up married to this monster.

Like PPs have said, document EVERYTHING so that it’s your hard evidence against whatever lies he comes up with to cover his own butt. Print hard copies of any screenshots, emails, or other online evidence you may accumulate as well so that you have backups. Definitely contact the police and file a complaint so that if anything escalates, you have proof of how far back it started.

Post # 79
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Go to the police now, what he is doing is very illegal. Filming someone without their consent is illegal. As well as blackmail and harassment.

And obviously change your passwords (on everything! you don’t know what else he might’ve hacked into).

Maybe as a precaution, e-mail your contact book as say you’re email has been hacked into and to please not open anything from this account for the time being as it might be a virus. This will keep anyone from opening anything your ex might send.

Good luck! And keep up updated!

Post # 80
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee

Absolutely without a doubt go to the police. At the very least they can call him and tell him to stop which is usually good enough for cases like that, but then if he does decide to do anything else. Do you think it’s possible that he’s bluffing? If you’re agressive in your attempts to squash this, he’ll back down. 

I think its entirely possible that he’s bluffing and just taking drastic measures to get you to talk to him. 

Post # 81
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee

Also, I echo what other people have said about not having any contact with him whatsoever.

Post # 82
Member
1313 posts
Bumble bee

@missbunnyrabbit: SO GLAD YOU LEFT! CONGRATS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!:)

And……. OMG. I went through this with my last break up. It was very embarassing for me as well. He threatened to send it to my parents, my coworkers, everyone I knew. It was horrible. He fighted and fighted with me. This went on for WEEKS. I told my Mom & Dad about it because at that point, I was 100% sure it would happen and I wanted to warn them. I finally got SO exhausted and tired of arguing with him (he was using his last string of attachment to me and just couldn’t let me go!) I told him FINE, SHOW EVERYONE! I DON’T GIVE A @*%& ANYMORE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

And he finally did. And that was that. He moved out of state and I didn’t speak to him for 1.5 years. He still has the tape, but to my knowledge has never done anything with it.

I had no idea what rights I had either, and I still don’t know. I just know I was really scared and ashamed. (although my video was with consent, so I coudn’t do what JrzyGrl recommended)

“Like PPs have said, document EVERYTHING so that it’s your hard evidence against whatever lies he comes up with to cover his own butt. Print hard copies of any screenshots, emails, or other online evidence you may accumulate as well so that you have backups. Definitely contact the police and file a complaint so that if anything escalates, you have proof of how far back it started.”

YES YES YES. I saved every single text, EVERYTHING I could if it ended up that I needed to have it.

PLEASE PM me if you need to talk. I have BEEN THERE.

Post # 83
Member
11095 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@MissHobbit:

I totally agree.  No good will come from any contact with him.  You cannot reason with a terrorist.

Post # 84
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Congratulations to you, for putting yourself first. For understanding people like this do not change. For knowing that you deserve better. So many women think a man like this will change..once they’re married…once the kids come…etc, etc. I actually know someone who went through this and kept having kids because the only time her husband was not abusive was when she was pregnant. What an example, huh?

You need a support system. I hope you have family near you, or good friends. If you don’t know anyone in your area, now is the time to look for groups or hobbies that suit your interest. Make friends, you need them!

don’t take his calls. In fact, cahnge your number. Oh- and i truly doubt he has the tape he suggests, but even if he does, so what? IGNORE him. Anytime you react, you give him cause to react, and it will go on forever. You have to compeltely cut him out. don’t tell him where you are, don’t tell him anything. Don’t talk to him…at all.

We have all seen too many women hurt or worse by men like this. Get the restraining order, tell your family or friends where you are going when you go out (or leave a note in your apartment). I’m not telling you these things to scare you, they are meant to empower you even further! Taking precautions to protect yourself will make you feel even stronger.

You go, girl. Good for you!

Post # 85
Member
11095 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Your local DV facility may also be able to advise you about ways to protect yourself, ie tye restraining order process, etc.  They deal with this kind of abuse all the time.

These guys are at their worst when you try to get away from them.  I agree with Menobride (great name, btw)–your safety may be at risk.  Please be sure to use all of the support available to you.

Post # 86
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

Seconding everything Menobride and Sassy411 said — definitely contact your local domestic violence organization to understand the resources available to you.  Another great resource is your local bar association, they usually have lawyers that you can do a consultation with for a nominal fee.  Also contact google so they can monitor any activity on your account.  They can help get you any documentation you might need to show that your account was being access illegally.  I suspect he had some keystroke logging software to get your password so definitely change passwords on everything.  

Post # 87
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Congrats for leaving. Most courts have a domestic violence self-help center. They are free and they will help you complete restraining order documents. Figure out how to save the messages he sends. Sometimes your service provider will delete messages after 30, 60, 90 days automatically. If he sends a text message take a picture or print it if possible. If he calls tape the message. IT IS A MISDEMEANOR TO RECORD PHONE CALLS. Do not record phone calls without getting permission but as the other ladies have said your best course of action is not respond to his games. He is trying to control you. 

Post # 89
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Good Luck! I think you made a great decision taking care of yourself and leaving and being smart about your safety.

Post # 90
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hooray! I’m so glad that things are heading in the right direction for you! Congratulations on getting away from that….guy. Seriously, I wonder what it was that made him think this was okay.

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