- 10 years ago
I apologize for this being long. I just have to get it out and off of my chest. maybe by writing this down it will help me figure out what I am doing.
So I have been with my Fiance for 6 years. He is a wonderful guy. He is smart, funny, handsome and so kind but he does have a bit of a temper. It takes him awhile to freak out, but once he does it takes him even longer to cool off. He’ll call me names, say some awful things and then I’ll just up and leave. He sends me mad texts and after I ignore him for a few hours, he calms down and we talk about it. I hate his temper. So much. It makes me cringe to hear him yell. I am no angel either though, I have a big temper too, but I don’t say mean things to him. I want to but I can hold myself back from it.
Okay, now that you know that. Here is the story…
We are getting married in a month. He has a different cultural background than I do and it has made things very hard to plan because we keep fighting over what I want and what he and his family wants. Sadly enough, instead of compromising I always end up giving in. But when I give it to them 100% we the are compromising which makes NO sense to me on a count of they get what they wants constantly.
I had originally wanted a very small wedding. CLOSE friends and family only, so about 200 people. But his parents want to invite the entire world. So we went from 200 to 400. My parents are paying half of this wedding and they really can’t afford a huge affair like they want. We have kind of agreed on some paying stuff but it is very frustrating for me because again, I bowed down to them when I shouldn’t have.
My mom and I have done all of the work for this wedding. Found a hall, booked it, flowers, caterer, and we put together and addressed did all 300 invitations. We just asked them to give us the addresses and names. Half of these names I could not even pronounce and she handwrote them all so I can only hope I got them all right.
And recently they want the rehearsal dinner to be very early as in 3pm. We are having a sizeable wedding party and Friday is a workday and most of them have to work until 5. She says no big, they don’t have to be there. If half of the wedding party isn’t there, what would be the point? So i tell my Fiance this and he is with his mom 100%. Would it be SO hard to ask him to take my side one effing time?! It is always me and against them and I am sick to death of him never speaking in favor of me. His parents have 4 more kids to have weddings like this and he has 2 sisters who have yet to me married….can’t I have one thing my way ONCE?! I only get married one time…maybe.
So Now I am so upset with Fiance and we got into a fight today because I am sick of bowing down to all of their traditions and customs when they aren’t even telling us why they are important, just tell ing us what to do and when to do it. I was crying because I’m so stressed about this dumd wedding I don’t even want and no one is listening to me, Instead I’m just the dumb American.
He ended up losing him temper and telling me to eat shit and that I’m impossible and being so stupid about this because they have it all under control and that it shouldnt matter what we do that day bc we’re getting married. He doesn;t get it.
I have been having some doubts lately. Can I live my entire life like this? What happens when we have children, will they control their lives too? I hate the my Fiance has a temper and calls me names, I hate it. I hate that I have to always back down. I hate that I never feel good enough because I’m American. I hate how they want to totally make me into their religion and their culture. I was born and raised here. Our religions are very similar but it is annoying. I will be good enough for them.
But I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I deserve more. So I haven’t talked to my Fiance since noon. I don’t know if I want to marry him anymore. it’s not just this fight, it’s everything. When you marry someone, you marry their family. I don’t want to marry his family because they always try to change me. I like who i am, where I come from and I am proud of my family even though they aren’t nearly as rich as FI’s….they never fail to make that point.
I know most of you will say “talk to your FI” but it isn’t that easy. He won’t hear ANYTHING bad about his family, especially his mom. I hate momma’s boys. I don’t want to live the rest of my life under my in-laws’ thumbs.
I have also been imagining cheating in him. There was this old fling form back in high school and we talk on FB sometimes. I imagine my life with him, we are from the same religion same family values all of it. I don’t know if this means that I should elave my FI? But even if I see a guy that is attractive I imagine myself with him instead of my Fiance. Would I be happier with thatguy? Would be make me feel special and important?
Abd my Fiance never says I am beautiful and never makes me feel sexy. We got done having sex one night and I lay there naked for a mnute and gets up and says “Get dressed, okay? You look like a 4 year old.” WTF? I have curves, there is no way I look like a four year old. And when we have sex, it is the same every time. he rubs on me, I give him a blow job, I go on top and we’re done. I never feel fulfilled. I don’t feel wanted. I don’t feel cherished at all.
I want to leave him sometimes and sometimes I just can’t imagine life without him.
OKay, I know this was long. If you’ve read this far, you’re great. I don’t know if I am really looking for advice but I just needed to get this out.