(Closed) Thinking about calling off my wedding.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Good Luck, Stay Strong, please and do whats best for YOU! You deserve to be happy.

 

Post # 138
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I’ve been reading this and thought “wow this was me 3-5 years ago.”

 

I married my ex husband knowing that he was pushy, etc. He was verbally abusive at times, but I “loved” him and couldn’t imagine life without him. Even though I had all these “red flags” that the OP has been talking about, I still married him.  I thought it was PTSD from serving in Iraq, but it was more than than that.

After we got married it got worse. Name calling, yelling, chasing me around the house and taking my car keys away so I couldn’t leave. I never thought he would do anything to hurt me, until Christmas of 2009. He smacked me on Christmas Day. I left him after that, but ended up returning home a few days later. Even though he calmed down on his verbal abuse, the damage had been done. He left me, thankfully, because I did not have the strength to do it on my own.

I would have left him if I was able to post about it on a board like this and have heard what others have been saying.

Verbal abuse should not be tolerated!!

 

Good luck, OP. Please make the right decision for you.

Post # 139
Member
1760 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow…….. leave him or not is not something you need to worry abt right now. But right now you need to make sure you do not marry this man! Beyond family issues, you need to figure out the intimacy part and the respect part. That is very crucial to a relationship.

Post # 140
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

@DaneLady:  Exactly- an “amazing guy” wouldn’t tell you to eat shit.

No one should be treated the way he treats you. And how do you think he would treat your children? What sort of household do you want your children to grow up in? A warm, loving one, or an abusive one (yes, I view his behavior as verbal abuse.) You wrote if he touched you physically, you’d leave. The verbal scars can hurt just as bad.

This won’t be easy, but I think you know what’s best for you to do. 

Post # 141
Member
7384 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@JM1217:  If you ever need someone to talk to about this, who’s been in this situation, please message me. 

Post # 142
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You already know what you want. You know deserve better than that. You say that he’s usually amazing but then there are times when he’s verbally abusive. No way should you take any abusive at all. Getting married isn’t going to solve your problems. 

Post # 143
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.  This would be an extremely tough decision for anyone to make but I think you’ve received some great advice already.  One thing to know and understand is that they don’t change and you shouldn’t expect or need the person you are in love with to change if you love them…what I mean like that is you need to be completely happy and content in this relationship if you’re going to marry him.  You shouldn’t be thinking in the back of your mind “well if he would only change…or…Maybe if he sees how much he’s hurting me he might change and actually care about me and feel bad”…no..you deserve to be happy and to feel amazing and feel loved.  Take the advice of so many people on here….especially ones who have been in your situation.  Do not marry him.  They don’t change and it most likely is not going to get better.  This should be a happy time of your life planning your wedding.  Especially with it a month away…you should be 100%ready to do this.  Because you’re not (which is totally ok) don’t go through with it.

Post # 144
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This is horrible :(. I think at the very least you should cancel the wedding. I know it’s a lot of money you would lose out on, but it would save you years of unhappiness if your doubts are founded.

I’m sorry to hear about this.

Post # 145
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

IF HE IS ALWAYS LIKE THIS AND NOT BECAUSE OF WEDDING STRESS THEN YOU GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM. YOU EITHER START TREATING ME BETTER AND STANDING UP TO YOUR D*** FAMILY OR ELSE I AM DONE. AND MOVE THE HE** ON. ME AND MY Fiance PLAY FIGHT CALLIN EACH OTHER NAMES BUT NOT TO HURT ONE ANOTHER. YOU SHOULD NOT TOLERATE THIS.

BE A STRONG WOMAN, TELL HIM WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN REGARDLESS. IF HE DON’T LIKE IT THEN LEAVE HIM. IF AFTER A WEEK HE DECIDES TO GET HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS ARSE THEN SEE HOW LONG THAT LASTS. SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE AFRAID TO STAND UP TO SOME PPL. SOME GUYS WANT THEIR WOMEN TO STAND UP AND TAKE CONTROL. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT. LIKE I SAID, IF HE IS GONNA ACT LIKE THIS NOW THEN NOTHING WILL CHANGE LATER. ABUSE LASTS FOREVER UNLESS HE GETS HELP.

HOPE YOU FIND SOME GUIDANCE HERE.

 

AND TECHNICALLY, YOU HAVENT SPENT THAT MUCH ON THE WEDDING YET SO IF YOU POSTPONE IT NOW, LEAVE THE OPTION THERE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS. IF IT COMES TO IT, THEN CANCEL AND LEAVE HIM.

Post # 146
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

PLUS, DID YALL NOT GO TO COUNSELING? IF SO,….WERENT THERE ANY CLUES AS TO THE WAY HE THINKS.

Post # 147
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AnonyNow:  you know he could need an evaluation. me and my dad have bipolar disorder and some things set me off badly. unless he takes medication though it will be hard to deal with. some people have the condition worse than others. you should look into it online and then see if he’d seek help.

Post # 148
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I feel like most posters are commenting on the name-calling/yelling, but I’m super disturbed by the family dynamic. I don’t know, that would be enough for me to leave. I couldn’t deal with that nonsense.

Post # 149
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@AnonyNow:  Hello fellow bee, I am sorry that you are going through this, I know the feeling. We are engaged to be married 9/21/13 and he is acting like he wants to be single…..going out constantly without me mind you, caught in numerous lies, neglects me mentally ,physically and emotionally. Cant have my back when I hold my own against his family….. I mean really? We been together 7 years and no kids and 6 yrs in he starts to act like he has had a steady diet of lead paint his whole life WTF!!!!!’ finally after catching him in another lie for the 6th time in a month I got fed up left out in this very conservative freak’em dress nd got so many compliments. He was pissed when i came home at 4:45 am… He tried to question me I kindly told him don’t ask me anything about where I been or who I was with, he thinks that since he takes care of us financially he can do as he pleases and I shouldn’t have a problem lol….dude seriously????? I ignored him 3 days str8 didn’t take anything he brought including food and took my ring off. Why am I wearing this ring when your not representing me while your out telling your lies and everything else? I hurt him when I took the ring off cuz I was planning our marriage b4 he ever asked me and I had told him b4 that if we didn’t work out I was keeping the ring cuz to worked for it. With him he holds the wedding/ marriage over my head so when I took it off and gave it back he was shocked! He was a dream come true up until last year ever since he proposed he has been a nightmare trying to pressure me into to kids,I refuse to be anybodys baby momma! Since this incident he is trying to do better but Its hard to forgive when I keep catching him in lies? Ther is someone out there foreveryone and we go thru these trials, lessons and heartaches to be better prepped for our soulmate that lies ahead.

The truth will reveal itself. in nature we are the only creatures that ignore our first instinct and we pay for it every time! Don’t doubt it just go with it! Good luck honey

Post # 150
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Counseling won’t work unless he realizes HE is the problem, and HE needs to change.  There is no incentive for him to do that.  His view of the world is so screwed up that he doesn’t even know what the right way to treat you is.  I think he’s a lost cause.  

Post # 151
Member
2560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Please let us know how things go, please please please, you are in my thoughts…

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