(Closed) Thinking about calling off my wedding.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 197
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My heart goes out to you. I am a professional therapist and I would recommend you at the very least postpone your wedding. I know it is an incredibly difficult decision, but what you have described is not going to get better after the wedding. What usually happens is these behaviors become worse. No one should ever spend their life with someone who makes them feel devalued and unappreciated. You deserve so much more!! I often tell clients that in life there are no victims, only volunteers. Please think carefully before you volunteer for this life.

I hope you don’t take this response harshly. I don’t intend it in that way. I just feel sad for you and hate to hear about what should be a happy, magical time in your life being made so horrible for you.

<hugs>

Post # 198
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AnonyNow:  “He is totally verbally abusive when he’s really mad. He always has been. But he is usually an amazing guy. I just don’t know what to do.”

Are you under the impression that verbal abusers have to be verbally abusing every waking hour?  Most abusers can act normal and loving believe it or not.  If someone was 100% abusive all the time, who would stay for that?  The nice times are designed to keep you where you are.

Take this revelation with a grain of salt.  My ex abuser had several revelations (as I called them).  As if he seemed to have that “ah-ha!” moment of actually understanding what he was doing to me.  It still didn’t make a difference.  It was just one big cycle.

Try reading this book: “Why Does He Do That?  Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”

by Lundy Bancroft

Post # 199
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@sienna76:  Sad but true…been there done that and NEVER going back!

Post # 200
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

how are things going?

Post # 201
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is old but showed up at the bottom of another post under “related topics” and I read through it all haha.  Hope things are continually getting better <3

Post # 202
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

If you look at her picture and recent posts, they got married! Seems everything is going great.

Post # 203
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

It’s true that when you marry someone, you marry his family too.. So I think if you have so much trouble with them, you should just be brave and face them! Tell them how you feel, what you think, DO NOT let anyone make you feel unworthy of anything, NEVER! And if your Fiance, supfamily his family more than you, then stupid the one whodoesn’t disserves you, because he should be supporting YOU, cuz you are about to become his wife, his partner for life and above all just because he loves you..

Love overcomes everything, forgives everything, love never fails.. If he’s not able to do that, then you have your answer…

Post # 204
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

The part that stuck out to me is that he calls you names when he gets mad.. It’s cliche, but this is a red flag for abusive relationships! Right now I would say he is verbally abuseing you. My mother was in a severely abusive relationship, and he was always nice to her at first, but then started calling her names, and blamed that they weren’t married on how he was acting. So, foolish Mom married the guy, then he beat her mercilessly and put her down, called her ugly, made her feel terrible, tried to controle everything she did, what she wore, what she said, told her her family and religion was just a mental problem, told her her family was trash and hated her, EVERYTHING. You name it. She got it.

So it breaks my heart to see even the slightest sign of this begining. Like, why if you’re mad at someone, put them down and do it JUST to hurt them? If my Fiance EVER said anything negative about me while we were in a fight, even if it was like, ‘you’re stupid!’. I would be devestated. You never, put your partner down out of anger. It’s a childish move that you’re just doing to hurt the other person. And why would you hurt the one you love, EVEN in anger? Answer, you wouldn’t.

He sounds like he needs anger management, and needs to be told by OTHER people that he’s mistreating you, or that he’s taking his mothers side over yours, everything. And you should never have to feel bad about your background and heritage! That sounds awful! :S I’m Canadian, but if someone was like, oh, stupid Canadian, I would be so hurt!

This is your day! It’s suppose to be your wedding! Imagine a bride not having their say in the wedding? That sounds like insanity!!

This will cause a huge fuss, but I say call off the wedding. Not the engagement, but just the wedding. Or push it back. Because once you’re married, that’s it. It’s for life. Or at least it should be. You shouldn’t be having any doubts about your relationship when you’re walking down the aisle and saying your I Do’s. You should be able to come to him with your problems, or your concerns. You are his team member, NOT his mother! YOU are his family now, he’s not a son first, he’s a HUSBAND first.

Take a few days away, really take a look at things from outside of your current situation, maybe with your side of the family. It sounds dumb, but talk to your Mom and Dad together, and maybe brothers and sisters if you have them and tell them EVERYTHING. Don’t hold back and try to defend him. Your family usually has your best intentions and just want what’s best for you.

Do you really want to spend your life with this man and being the daughter-in-law to this family? You shouldn’t have to go through this on what should be one of the happiest times of your life. This whole post broke my heart. 🙁 I’m so sorry. I truly wish you all the happiness and joy in the world, and I hope things look better soon. This sounds terrible confusing and emotionally exhausting. Please take some time off and relax and process all of this information! Best of luck! Hope these replies to this board help a little!

Post # 205
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bunnyharriet:  Ah I didn’t realize they got married. Ugh, I don’t know how I feel about it, but I suppose I wish them the best, and it’s really none of my buisness. I hope everything got better after all the wedding stress was over. :S Maybe it was just the hype of everything.

Post # 206
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

@silkspectre94:  curious, who is that in your pic? i seem to recognize him from somewhere…

Post # 207
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I left my Fi a year ago beacuse things where bad  ( not even this bad ) I lucked out and he was willing to change and went through some intense stuff to get me back.

 LEAVE girl!

 if you are ment to be together you will be – but in a happy way..

this is bad!

Post # 208
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Leave him. There is no other way of putting it.

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