Post # 1
I have been with my Fiance for almost 5 years, and things seem to be like a rollercoaster. I am always trying to be there for him through whatever the best way I can, and im not feeling like im getting this back from him. We recently went back to a LDR relationship, because he says he cannot deal with my depression. My thing is I try to keep it under control, but the way he acts sometimes sends me into one of my moods. He never tries to really help me with anything emotional, or problems I have period. He thinks him just basically sitting beside, me not saying or doing anything is enough.
Here is my current issue with him. I went and saw him last tuesday and came back home thursday, which is when the drama began. We accidentally left my daughters car seat in his car, and I called him to see if he could bring it back since I have no car. He told me I can wait until the following weds to get it when he comes, I didnt agree because you can’t have a baby with no car seat. To me its not safe. Fast forward to friday nite. I had been calling him through out the day, because where I live now is not the perfect situation for me and my daughter and its hard to cope sometimes.
When the nite came he called and said good nite. I asked him I could text him because I was feeling a little down. His response was sure you can text me once or twice, but I dont want it to become a habit. This kind of felt like a slap in the face to me, because It made me feel like I was bothering him. I asked him why it would be a problem and he said with the situation were in he doesn’t see the reason why. The situation he’s talking about is us not living together. Which I feel means we should communicate more, But obviously not.
I called him the next day and tried to explain how I felt about the situation. And he keeps saying he wants us to stay on the schedule we agreed on. Which is we would call wach other in the mornings in the afternoon and at nite to say goodnite. To him these talks should last only 15 mins. I told him it makes me feel like im not free to call him when I want to like I’ll be bothering him. And he has been acting like im bothering him. He always rushes me off the phone, When he does answer he seems bothered by me. He makes remarks like us living not together changes the importance of our relationship like he wants to be free to do his own thing.
I have asked him if he wants to be free and he says no. I try talking to him about how im feeling and he says im over reacting. To me I feel out of place and uncomfortable, and Im feeling really alone right now. Like my best friend I had is not there anymore. He doesn’t seem like he wants to fix things, but still expects me to visit with a smile on my face and act like things are ok. He still expects me to move in with him in october like nothings wrong. Im at the point now where I dont feel like I need to spend my time on him. I have been ignoring him today If he wants to call thats fine but I refuse to call him. I think He has gotten too use to me giving in to him. This time I feel like I might be done with it all.
He keeps telling me Im making things into what I want them to be. That he doesnt want to be free. And that he is taking the relationship seriously, and he wants to make things work.
I’m so confused. Any advice would really help me right now, please no rude remarks right now.
Post # 3
I’m sorry things are going like this.
In my own experience (and I’ve never seen this go wrong, ever), you need to stop calling him. Let him miss you. I swear it DOES work. Men don’t like it when we chase too much (regardless of whether you’ve just started dating or have been together for ages).
Just really, let him miss you. He needs to know you don’t depend on him to be happy, and that in his absence you’ll just go and do your own thing!!! So if you’re feeling lonely, go out with your friends or your daughter – DO NOT CALL HIM. Just try this our and I guarantee it will work!!!
Post # 4
While I agree with the previous poster that not calling him is a good idea, I also think that you two need to TALK about boundaries. Tell him what you think is reasonable as far as calling/texting, and see what he thinks. Then compromise. I was always the one that called/texted too much early on in our relationship, but now that we’re engaged, I can’t imagine my Fiance telling me NOT to call or text him. That just doesn’t sound quite right to me.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing trouble. I hope things work out for you!
Post # 5
@mrsBtoBee: Thank you so much i thought about doing that but everyone told me it would make things worse.
Post # 6
I’m sorry to hear you’re having this kind of trouble.
Whatever you decide, you might want to work on being happy with yourself right now. I was in an LDR too, and the best way to stay positive is to focus on other aspects of your life. Imagine if you spent 10% of the energy you spend on him… on yourself.
Rent a movie that no one else wants to see with you, make yourself a snack and a glass of wine, and just be happy with your own company for 2 hours. Get your nails done… not for anyone else, but because you have nothing better to do on a rainy afternoon. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but the more you focus on yourself and not him, the stronger you’ll be in whatever you choose.
(((hug))) Hang in there!
Post # 7
Girlfriend, take a deep breathe. Now another one. Now relax. Take a nice bath, light the candles, put on some music, sip your wine, and just relax.
Now, here’s my advice. Some men can’t deal w/ depression. It has nothing to do w/ love. Its just they can’t deal w/ it or don’t know how to deal w/ it. So, I suggest that you friend a good friend/therapist who you can talk to during these times.
I’ve personally have suffered from depression for most of my life and I’ve needlessly stressed many of my relationships as well as friendships because I didn’t know how to express nor ask for help during those times. Now my girlfriends and a really good therapist helps me through my low points.
I have several girlfriends who have been married for over a decade and they let me know that @ times I will be very lonely in my marriage but dont’ forget that’s why you have other relationships.
Hope this helps:)
Post # 8
I’m so sorry to hear that things aren’t getting better 🙁 I’ve been following your posts and it seems like your Fiance isn’t giving you what you need at this point. He seems to want limited contact with you and I’m not really sure why. I’m sure it must be tough to have a Fiance who struggles with depression but it’s something that can be dealt with. I struggle with depression from time to time and I know it isn’t all rainbows and puppies for Darling Husband, but I can’t see where suggesting less contact will be beneficial to your relationship. I would be bothered by his comment that not living together changes the importance of your relationship. Just because you aren’t living with someone, doesn’t make the relationship less important. It just means more effort. Besides, wasn’t not living together his decision because of your depression? I don’t really see how that will improve the situation because once you guys are married, you can’t just move away from the other person if they go through a rough time.
I would spend some time on YOU and what makes YOU happy!
Post # 9
I wuld call it off if I were you. He is supposed to be your #1 supporter, and he is putting limits on when you can call him and how long the conversations should be?
Post # 10
Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I really really appreciate the support. I have been giving him his space today, and taking the space I need with my daughter. But the crazy thing is since I’ve been giving him his space ,he’s been calling me often. The same way he tell me not to call him this is really confusing me.
Post # 11
The first thing I have to say is (((HUG))) and I’m really sorry you’re going through this!!!
I know I’m late to the party here…. but I really have to say, someone you’re talking about marrying should NOT be trying to keep you at arms length and have “assigned” contact time. That’s just… wrong. weird. not how it’s supposed to be. Doesn’t it feel wrong to you? Like, if I think of my Fiance doing that to me… well, I can’t imagine it. And if it happened I wouldn’t be marrying her. Your Fiance, at this point, should be your best friend… there for you in sickness and in health. If he can’t do that, then I wouldn’t marry him. It sounds harsh but it’s the truth.
It seems a lot like he’s the one calling all the shots. HE set the call schedule. HE decided you guys should go back to a LDR. HE decided you guys should go ahead with the schedule to move in and the wedding. And again, this isn’t how it should be. If you’re going to be married than you need to be equals.
I really think you need to sit down. talk to him, face to face. Take your depression off the table, tell him you’re working on it but that the issues you two are having are deeper than that, and tell him it concerns you that he doesn’t seem to want to be there for you, and that you feel like he’s pushing you away. See what he says. Listen to him, but also watch his reactions… is he sincere in what he tells you? Or is he just trying to say things to get out of the conversations? Because, I hate to say it, and I’m really really sorry to say it, but to me it sounds like he may be cheating. How far away do you live? How often do you see him? Would you know if he was? Maybe I’m way off base, maybe that’s not the case… but from everything you’ve said about his behavior… something’s up. He wouldn’t just randomly decided to only talk to you 3x a day if he was focused only on you, you know? And the “you can text me twice but after that no more?” That’s crap. That’s an excuse.
I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this… but with everything you’ve said so far, I have HUGE. BLARING alarms going off in my head. I’m sorry hun but I would NOT be marrying this guy.
Post # 12
im in the same nout and were not even LDR!!! we need to focus on ourselvs!
Post # 13
I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through this 🙁
Are you currently being treated for your depression? Are you seeing a therapist?
I ask because I think that if you are seeing a therapist, that it would be a good idea to have him come along to one of your sessions. One of the reasons that depression gets in the way of relationships is when the other person doesn’t understand (or understand ENOUGH) what it means to suffer from depression.
I don’t think that you should even think about calling off the wedding. When you are not feeling well emotionaly/mentally, you shouldn’t be making such serious decisions.
Try to work on feeling better and see a doctor. if you aren’t already. If you are seeing a doctor and don’t find that your depression is getting better, then you should go back to your doctor and let him know (or see a new Dr.). There are tons of resources out there availbale for depression, theres bound to be something out there can help better your symptoms.
It could be that this time away from him can help you focus on yourself. But, I also agree with the other posters who said you should speak to your Fiance. Find out what he is really feeling.
Good Luck! Stay Strong!
Post # 14
THe wedding is still ages away. I would postpone the wedding until you are able to move into together and see if things change then.
Does he do important work? Sometimes it is a bother when we call our SO’s during the middle of the day. They have work to do and don’t want to be seen as slacking off/don’t want to have to say “bye hunny” when with a client or the like.
I think that a little more work is needed before you completely call off the wedding. I agree with seeing a counselor either together or just for yourself.
I’m a little confused, if you don’t have a car, why did you need the car seat back?
Post # 15
Yes I am in therapy right now working on the depression. And he is not currently working, or has anything important to do. The thing that confuses me is that last thursday we started the LDR. At that point he was complaing about how much he missed his family and that he wouldnt know what he would to without me. Now its like he doesnt want to be bothered. He is back to the calling, he called me about 8 or 9 times today. But is complaining about how much I call him, and is kind of upset i didnt answer about 5 of the calls. It seems so backwards to me he seems sincere. Since im dealing with depression myself I have to wonder if he has a issue similar. The whole pull me in and then push me away thing is driving me crazy. When he’s down he leans on me a lot.
My thing is I dont want to call him all day everyday. Its just getting me as to why all of a sudden he says things like he doesnt want me texting him to become a habit, when it hasnt been for almost 5 years now. Im trying to figure out where all this is coming from. I asked him and he says its not like how im interpurting it.
I set some of my boundaries for him. I told him if he calls our LDR a situation again, and thinks it can change how the relationship works it wont be a situation. I told him I will no longer call him if he wants to call thats fine. I told him I’m not arguing with him about it anymore, cause he just makes me seem like im in the wrong. And if he wants to fix things show me don’t say it so im giving him some time to correct it. Maybe like a month before I call off the wedding and say im not moving anywhere.
Post # 16
@KeshiaSimone: Maybe I’m wrong, but it sounds like he wants to be in control of the situation. He isn’t doing anything pressing, yet wants you only to text/call at certain times of day or a certain number of times that HE deems acceptable. Yet, when he calls you, he gets upset when you don’t answer. That hardly seems fair. A relationship isn’t a mind game with one person calling all the shots. It’s two people working together who want to make each other happy.