- 2 years ago
- Wedding: January 2020
Hi bees. Using a sperate account here today to post about all this. I’m sorry if this gets a little long but I really need someone to talk to and I’m a wreck.
So a little background. My Fiance and I have been together for 7 years, we’ve lived together for six and a half years. He’s 38 I’m 27. We just got engaged at the end of november.
I love my Fiance. He’s a fantastic person, treats me great, has a good job, likes his work likes to spend time with me and my friends, he is great with family and kids and yeah–hes just all around the perfect guy.
Our issue? I don’t want kids.
I know, I know, I’ve been told everything under the sun about being CF (selfish, you’ll regret it, you’ll change your mind, why not just adopt ect ect) but the fact of the matter is; I work with kids on a daily basis and its made me realize things. I LOVE kids, they’re fun and silly but they’re also so much work. I don’t have the energy or NEED to have kids. There is no part of me that sees the pregnant women who come into my work, or the moms or kids that makes me go ‘oh shit I want that one day,’ It’s more like I see that and think ‘dear lord please no’. I’m motherly, im good with kids but there is no maternal drive for me to have my own, adopt or have a little human (or a teen) running around my house now or anytime in the future. I want to travel and explore the world and have experiences that aren’t easily, or even possible with children in the picture. I don’t look into my future and see kids or grandkids running around my Fiance and I. I see us having a beautiful place, filled with books and pets and friends and living a fufilled life without kids.
Well this has been a slow build for me, I’ve always been sorta on the fence about it, but as I’ve become full-time in my job and I spend more times around children I realize more and more how I feel about the idea. Well, my Fiance proposed to me and we had to have this discussion because we hadn’t talked about it in a long long time. Well–the conversation has been had like four times now.
The first time: We were in tears because we didn’t think there was anything we could do to reconsile this issue because I told him how I felt and he said “If this is a deal breaker, then yes I want kids.”
The second time: It started with me saying “Are you going to be okay with the fact I may never change my mind about having kids?” and ended with him saying “Its up to you to decide if you’ll be okay with the fact that one day I may want kids.” but within this conversation he said “If we travel and have experiences then maybe I wont want them.”
The third time: It ended with “If you’re going to make this into a deal breaker and something I have to decide on right now then, yes I want kids.” and he held out his hand asking for the ring back. Which I shut down very quickly because we were talking about what we could do not about ending it. Yanno? It was a discussion that needed time and energy put into it not a sudden “its over” sort of thing.
We haven’t really talked about it since then. This was maybe… two weeks ago now? No talk about kids or anything (other than stuff from my work, but no talk about us or having kids or anything)
What sucks is that every day I become more and more resolved that I really never will change my mind about kids. I can’t help but wonder what to do. He says if hes pushed he wants them, but if we travel and what not he may be okay….But I cant help but think hes just saying that because hes scared of what the other option is and hes trying to create a compromise…but is there really a compromise for kids?
I guess–I just–I don’t know what to do, I cry about this a lot when im alone. Some days I wake up thinking we can make this work, we can travel and I can make sure we travel and have fun; but other days…I wake up angry about it because what happens if life gets in the way and we can’t travel for a while? Does that mean he’ll start wanting kids? Some days I wake up thinking there’s nothing I can do, and im hurting both of us by holding on. If he wants kids he needs someone who can give that to him and sooner rather than later since he’s 38.
Honestly Bees. I just need advice and words of encouragement.