Thinking about ending it….Help?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

Spending the rest of your life “distracting” someone sounds like a miserable life. He wants kids and you don’t. There’s really only one solution. 

Post # 3
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I don’t have any true advice; I just wanted to say that I hate when people use the word “selfish” towards women or men who don’t want kids.  You could be the greatest with kids and still not want them for yourself.  I don’t understand how that makes a person selfish.  You have every right to make such a serious and personal decision without feeling guilty or judged by others around you.  I think it is far better to choose not to have children when they are not wanted vs someone having them when they don’t want them… if that makes sense. 

I am sending you hugs!  I don’t know if this is something that is going to last just because of how serious the topic of children is for relationships – it might be too great a difference between you and your Fiance.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  I wish you the best.

Post # 5
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Oh bee I feel for you. As a bee who is CFBC I will tell you there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to have kids.  Please don’t let anyone make you feel bad for that choice.

However, this is a deal beaker and you and you Fi aren’t on the same page.  I have to agree with the pp in that you’r only delaying the inevitable.  This royally sucks and I’m sorry bee but you’ve got to let him find someone who will want the same things he wants.

Post # 8
Member
8424 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

cfbrides :  

It is indeed very sad as it’s  obvious  you two really love each other .

If it were you who was 38 and wanted them and him who didn’t ,  I’d say the only thing to do was to leave. But aman  has obviously got more leeway biologically, so perhaps leaving is not so urgent . ( I don’t mean  – at all- stringing  him along  of course ) If you can  bear it , maybe just leave the ball in his court ?  Or  would that  just be too hard on a day to day basis, waiting for him  to  say  , ‘it’s no good OP, I can’t stop thinking about it’

ETA On reflection, thinking about the moment  when he held out his  hand for the ring – which must have been dreadful for both of you-  that really was  the defining moment wasn’t it ?  So sad. 

Post # 9
Member
9718 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It sounds like you are just dragging out the inevitable with these discussions. As it stands now he wants kids and you don’t. There is no way to compromise here and you cannot go into marriage hoping one of you changes their mind. I really believe this is something both partners should go into marriage in agreement on and it doesn’t sound like you can get there.

And it’s not fair to you to have this burden of keeping him busy/entertained/distracted enough to not think about wanting kids. He would need to be okay with not having kids even if you guys had totally boring lives. 

I’m really sorry OP because I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.

Post # 11
Member
8 posts
Newbee

cfbrides :  He wants kids, and you don’t.

You love each other now; however, resentment is going to grow on one or both ends.

Let go, in my opinion.

 

Post # 12
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Being CFBC is not selfish and it sounds like you’ve really thought it through. That being said your Boyfriend or Best Friend desire for children is also well thought out. Ultimately, this means you aren’t compatible. This is very sad as it is obvious there is a lot of love between you two. But sometimes loving someone means letting them go.

Best wishes 

Post # 13
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Put it to him that if you do agree to kids that it wouold be one only and HE would have to be the SAHP with the bulk of the caring and thought load on him. See what he says?

Post # 14
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee

Darling Husband wanted two kids, and I wanted zero. I always pictured my life as you picture yours. We had serious conversations over a few years about how sure were we, what were we willing to give up to get what we wanted, was I willing to change my dream to stay with him & was he willing to do the same, etc etc. 

Through multiple, lengthy discussions we realised that one child would be perfect for us. We both became happy and sure of our decision, and I am now 8 weeks pregnant. 

Part of our discussions involved why he does want kids, and why I don’t. We worked out which points were flexible and which weren’t. And we came up with ‘terms’ – one of my terms is that we still travel every other year, as we do now. Some trips baby will come, other trips he/she will be taken care of by grandparents. 

I know some doors have closed with this decisions, but others have opened. Experiencing magic again through a child’s eyes, having the opportunity to teach and shape a brand new human… it’s exciting. 

There isn’t an easy answer here. Good luck, bee. 

Post # 15
Member
4559 posts
Honey bee

Sorry, but you need to stop dragging this out and hoping his answer changes.  You know how he feels – gun to his head he picked kids and went so far as to ask for the ring back.  Anything else that isn’t that answer is pretty much bargaining away his feelings and rationalizing because ending relationships sucks.

The fact of the matter is love isn’t enough to sustain relationships.  You need to have compatible life goals.  And kids aren’t really negotiable.  There is no fraction of a kid that is acceptable to both of you – they are an all or nothing deal and having kids when you don’t want them or giving up having kids when you do want them is breeding ground for resentment – maybe not today, but it will likely happen.  Just how much traveling has to happen to make him forget about never having children?  What happens if finances or jobs or health or family circumstances (such as caring for an ailing parent) means you aren’t able to maintain the jet-setting lifestyle that fills the child shaped hole in his heart?  What happens if five years down the road he discovers that traveling isn’t a substitute for children?  Are you really ok having to constantly find ways to justify that life with just you and no children is enough?

You both deserve to pursue the life you want with partners who want the same thing and don’t have to constantly bargain with to make not having that thing ok.  Bargaining and denying one person isn’t the same as compromising.  Unfortunately, you may not be that partner for each other.  

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