Thinking about giving up

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1081 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Actions speak louder than words. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready for next steps, which is too bad – they’re a’coming whether he likes it or not.

You took him back after an impressive display of hearbrokenness by him, but he still hasn’t made you his priority. It actually sounds like he went right back to his old behavior. You’re having a baby together, it’s time for him to step up. I think you should present him with an ultimatum: either you two go to couples counseling together and make some real changes (with timelines attached to each one!), or he’s going to be a part-time parent to his kid and you two are breaking up for real. Is he not planning for you two to live together after you have the baby? Are you going to not move in if you’re not engaged even after you have a baby? It’s not fair to you or your kid for this to not be settled by that point. Which leads me to this:

I imagine you’re not waiting for a surprise proposal with an expensive ring and hoping to plan a big wedding, but in case you are – I think your best bet will be to go to the negotiating table with him ready to go to the courthouse with just your kids and immediate family, with an inexpensive ring, to get this settled. That way he can’t throw the finances out as an excuse (though he makes 3x what you make! And lets his pregnant partner work 6 days a week! smh). 

If he wants to marry you and be your family, then money is shared, you are partners, and decisions are made together. That’s the deal. If he’s not willing to sign up for that, then I’m sorry but I think you’ll be happier and your kids will have more stability if you are co-parents who aren’t in a relationship. And he needs to contribute to the cost of the baby even when it’s at your house. Hopefully talking this out will be a reality check that wakes him up, but I think you need to be prepared to stick to your guns. You’ve already let him back in only to see no change from him. I’m sorry, bee.

Post # 3
Member
1021 posts
Bumble bee

There is wayyy too much wrong here. 

You don’t mention how your children are faring amidst all this turmoil? Where are they in all this chaos?

Post # 4
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper

Well he didnt want a child then, and it doesnt sound like he wants to marry you now. You don’t sound compatible at all, and with your comment about him not helping you with legal bills, it sounds a bit greedy. You contradict yourself saying how hard he works, soo hard, extremely hard, but not as hard as you? It sounds like he also works 6 (or more) days a week? 

Post # 5
Member
6540 posts
Bee Keeper

lynn1979 :  Oh, Bee, what a mess.

I agree with PP. He has Option #1: setting dates for counseling, marriage and moving in together or Option #2: a child support and visitation schedule. 

Actions speak louder than words. At this point his words mean nothing. He can step up or he can step out. 

Take care of yourself, Bee. You are making a human! You don’t need all this stress.

Post # 6
Member
2760 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

lynn1979 :  so you keep picking non commital men that don’t prioritize you but you make children with them. Now there are (almost) 3 children being forced to go through all this too. I’m not sure your course of action with this last guy but I highly recommend counseling for you.

Post # 8
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

If he’s letting his friend stay in his house for a year, does he plan to move into your place when you have the baby and keep his house on the side for his friend? Did he think this through? 

I would be super angry too, as he’s being an irresponsible ass, frankly. I think it’s ultimatum time, given that a baby is on the way and there’s no going back now. You two get engaged, he moves in to begin setting up for a new family unit, or he’s out completely. 

Post # 12
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

You don’t have screaming matches, you refuse to nag, he never cries… now all that might be healthy buuut I’m wondering if your communication is really still as good as you think? It sounds like you’re both a bit repressed and keep your vulnerable feelings to yourselves until they come out in one hours-long post-breakup conversation.

Are you sure you’ve been clear in asking for marriage and not just vaguely talking about “your lives together”? He might think helping fix things in your house is what you mean… Is he aware of your five year timeline? After the seven month breakup he might have mentally set your relationship start date back to zero so could be thinking he still has time. If he pays for dates out, have you told him of your financial difficulties? What help do you expect from him, and have you told him?

ETA: this came out blunter than I am intending for tone… OP, trying to look for more info instead of poking at you

Post # 14
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

Several things struck me right away. 1). Is he afraid to be a stepparent? From the beginning he seemed reticent about getting to know your children. Some men definitely hesitate about being a stepparent. Not saying it is right but it does happen. 2) Is he too money oriented and greedy? You both seem to have enough financial stability but his focus seems to be on HIS money and HIS retirement. Is he afraid that if you get married, he will have to share finances. Is he afraid of getting a divorce someday and losing everything? Was he ever married? 3) The worst red flag for me was inviting his friend to move into his house and not paying rent? He should be worried about your baby and creating financail security for you and the baby. You should be talking about living in either his house or your house? I don’t get it. 4) If the relationship was right, he should be taking marriage after 6 years and a baby on the way. Stand your ground and do not live with him.5) Honestly, I think it is ultimatim time. I would tell him we are either getting married or we’re done. If he can’t commit to marriage, tell him you will be meeting with a lawyer to set up a child support agreement. That should get his attention. You deserve the best. Not total games and ambiguity.

Post # 15
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

The only trouble is, given how wishy-washy he’s been and continues to be about moving the relationship forward, the engagement may just delay the inevitable. An engagement doesn’t mean he’ll be all gung-ho for marriage and may just push that back further and further. Especially with a new baby, it’ll be easy as hell for him to say that you guys shouldn’t be spending money on a wedding.  (Of course, you can always go to the courthouse for $100 or whatever.)

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